A thread of classic Father Ted lines

[Simster]

#1

Father Dougal: I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks.
Father Ted: I'm sorry!?
Dougal: I said I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks.
Ted: Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal!?
Dougal: I have, yeah Ted, you big gobshite!

 

[imissworthing2]

Father Eoin Mclove: I smell wee. (pointing at Fr. Jack) Its this one, this one smells of wee

 

[Stumpy Tim]

Mrs. Doyle: "Where did he come from??!!"

 

[Kumquat]

Think this was from the first episode.

Father Ted Crilly: Uh... Dougal... there's uh... some shaving cream there.
Father Dougal McGuire: No, no, Ted, your grand.
Father Ted Crilly: No... on you.
Father Dougal McGuire: Oh... where exactly Ted?
Father Ted Crilly: Just there, below your ear.
Father Dougal McGuire: Here?
Father Ted Crilly: Yes and there's... uh... there's a bit more...
Father Dougal McGuire: Gone?
Father Ted Crilly: No, there's still just a tiny... Dougal, its all over the place!
Father Dougal McGuire: How on Earth did that get there?... I didn't even shave this morning!

 

[Notters]

I love my brick.

 

[Norman Potting]

Feck, Girls, Drink. I am making a study of Father Jack as I want to be like him when I get old.

"OK, one last time. These are small... but the ones out there are far away. Small... far away... ah forget it!" . Possibly one of the greatest comedy lines ever.

 

[Notters]

Mrs Doyle: Would you like some cake father?
Father Ted Crilly: No thank you Mrs Doyle
Mrs Doyle: Ah, go on, there's cocaine in it
Father Ted Crilly: What?!
Mrs Doyle: Oh, I mean raisins.

 

[We're the Stripes]

Father Ted: "God, Dougal, you should have seen him. He's just a shadow of a sheep..."
Father Dougal: "I'm not surprised, Ted. If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now."
Father Ted: "Why?"
Father Dougal: "Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so's it can leap up at you better. And you know what, Ted, it lights up at night and it's got four ears, two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears. Its claws are as big as cups and for some reason, it's got a tremendous fear of stamps! Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail, so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses!"

 

[BarnhamBlue]

Father Ted: Ah, Sister Assumpta.

Sister Assumpta: Hello Father.

Father Ted: Dougal, Dougal, do you remember Sister Assumpta?

Father Dougal: Er, no.

Father Ted: She was here last year. And then we stayed with her in the convent, back in Kildare. Do you remember it? Ah, you do. And then you were hit by the car when you went down to the shops for the paper. You must remember all that? And then you won a hundred pounds with your lottery card? Ah, you must remember it, Dougal.

[Dougal shakes his head.]

Sister Assumpta: And weren't you accidentally arrested for shoplifting? I remember we had to go down to the police station to get you. And the police station went on fire? And you had to be rescued by helicopter?

Father Ted: Do you remember? You can't remember any of that? The helicopter. When you fell out of the helicopter. Over the zoo. Do you remember the tigers?

[Dougal shakes his head some more.]

Father Ted: You don't remember? You were wearing your blue jumper.

Father Dougal: Ah, Sister Assumpta.

 

[Dr. Notthenineo'clocknews]

small.............far away

 

[del strangefish]

Vicente

 

[KZNSeagull]

That woman was in the nip!

 

[TheBlueAndWhiteStrips]

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Father Ted "Let me try explain this again,these are very small… those are far away”



Ted: I know for a fact St. Tibulus wore more clothes then that. He was from Norway or somewhere, he'd have frozen to death
Dougal: And do you remember that bit when St. Tibulas tried to take that banana off the other lad
Ted: That wasn't a banana Dougal

 

[Postman Pat]

Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.

 

[Guinness Boy]

That would be an ecumenical matter!

 

[We're the Stripes]

Eugene: Ah Father, that sermon today..
[Ted looking smug]
Eugene: Frankly, it bored the arse off me.
[Ted reins in smugness]
Father Ted: Well Eugene, I'm not here to entertain you. If you want that type of thing, go and see Jean Michel Jarre or someone.
Eugene: What the hell was it all about anyway?
Father Ted [confused look]: Well, it was, errr..
Eugene: Ah jeez.. [walks off]

Father Ted: What was my sermon about today Dougal, do you remember?
Father Dougal: Sorry Ted, I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

 

[Simster]

My lovely horse,
Running through the field
Where are you going with your fetlocks blowing in the wind?
I want to shower you with sugar lumps,
And ride you over fences
Polish your hooves every single day
And take you to the horse dentist.

My lovely horse
You're a pony no more
Running around with the man on your back
Like a train in the night, yeah,
Like a train in the night.

 

[Carrot Cruncher]

Father Jack Hackett: Hey,hey,hey you!
Father Ted Crilly: Yes Father?
Father Jack Hackett: Rats!
Father Ted Crilly: Yes, Father; we can see them as well.
Father Jack Hackett: Hairy Japanese Bastards!

 

[Simster]

Dougal examining a car: "it's not too bad Ted"

*camera pans over to the bit Dougal is looking at* and it's a total right off.

 

[We're the Stripes]

Father Ted: "The Chinese - a great bunch of lads."