Your favourite, Viz Top Tips.

[Stat Brother]

There must be a fair few threads on this, so 1 more can't hurt. I heard this on 5-live, this afternoon.

If you're running out of plan paper, just photocopy you're last sheet until you have enough.

 

[wadhurstseagull]

Why waste money on an expensive pair of binoculars? Simply stand closer to the object you wish to see.

 

[Tooting Gull]

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.

Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

 

[surrey jim]

There must be a fair few threads on this, so 1 more can't hurt. I heard this on 5-live, this afternoon.

If you're running out of plan paper, just photocopy you're last sheet until you have enough.

I always get some faxed over

 

[Stat Brother]

I've got this running on another forum, which so far has given this:-

STATELY home owners. Sprinkle pepper into the helmets of suits of armour so as any intruders who hide in them when being chased will give themselves away by sneezing just after you walk past. S. Doo

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

make people think you wear glasses by pressing a spoon to each side of your nose for 10 minutes

 

[scarby]

attach a roller skate to each end of a lenght of drain pipe to make a great car for snakes..........

suck on a magnet then dip your chin in a bowl of iron filings to create instant designer stubble........

 

[gjh1971]

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

 

[gjh1971]

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

 

[shaolinpunk]

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.

 

[Paddy B]

MOURNERS. Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, whilst being only 2 letters away from sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
C. Tarquin

 

[Paddy B]

LADIES When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.

 

[Lewesian Seagull]

Drill a hole in your fridge door so you can check the light go's out when you close it.

 

[Gully]

This thread will have sent me to work with a smile on my face...can people add to it during the day so that I can have another one when I get home.

Save the cost of buying viz by pursuading members of NSC to post the best bits on a suitably titled thread.

 

[smelly]

BOOKSHOP owners. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the 'Fiction' section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs.

 

[Brovion]

My favorite is still this:

Fellas, play 'Rodeo Sex'. Take your missus doggie-style and half way through say some other bird's name. See how long you can stay on for!

 

[Eggmundo]

An elastic band with a dab of toothpaste makes an economical substitute for chewing gum, and it's better for your teeth.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Make the postman think you've had a nose bleed by opening the door with tomato ketchup smeared on your top lip.

Make the postman think you have a dental abcess by opening the door with a hard boiled egg in your cheek.

Make the postman think you have been sick by opening the door with diced carrots and rice pudding and parmesan cheese smeared on your shirt front.

Don't change your trousers simply because your pockets are full. Add extra pockets by suspending old socks from belt loops.

Holiday makers, if your late for your flight to the sun, simply phone the airport and tell them there's a bomb on board your plane. Don't forget to give them the flight number.

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

Dog Owners..convince passers by that your dog is expertly trained by shouting commands at him to do whatever he is doing at the time.

 

[maffew]

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
during a powercut.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.

 

[Mackenzie]

Place a chocolate button between your wife/girlfriends bum cheeks while she is asleep. When she wakes up she'll think that she has 'followed through'.