[Humour] Worst first dates

[Bry Nylon]

As a 25 year old I had just finished my teach training and embarking on my NQT year, I met a girl at the Amex and arranged a date for a drink. Whilst in a pub in Brighton having this drink it transpired she had just finished college and was only 18. A mere 18 months older than some of the students I was teaching at the time, it felt very weird just being out for a drink and being a gentleman I hadn't considered asking her age previously but in my defence she looked older than she was.

When I was in the sixth form at Uckfield Comprehensive, quite a few of the male teachers in their 30's dated girls from the sixth form, much to the annoyance of me and my mates who had nothing to offer beyond sharing 10 Benson and whatever they fancied from the Charcole Grill kebab bar on the highstreet.

 

[HHGull]

As a 25 year old I had just finished my teach training and embarking on my NQT year, I met a girl at the Amex and arranged a date for a drink. Whilst in a pub in Brighton having this drink it transpired she had just finished college and was only 18. A mere 18 months older than some of the students I was teaching at the time, it felt very weird just being out for a drink and being a gentleman I hadn't considered asking her age previously but in my defence she looked older than she was.

That’s what she told you anyway...

 

[seagullwedgee]

My best mate had been going out with a lass for about a year. And her best mate asked her to set up a sort of blind date with me. I had no idea. My mate and I used to get tanked up in The Bristol in Tunbridge Wells on a Thursday night, because it was free entry night in Chez Moi, the sh1tty night club opposite, but the drinks in the club were ridiculously expensive.

So we had 6 pints in The Bristol, and dashed into the club at 9.55pm with 5 minutes to spare. Neither of us had any idea that I was being watched, and probably about to be pounced upon. We were smashed. The poor young lass who was after a date with me came up to us, all nervous, as we were at the bar. She was very short, like 5 foot 2. She smiled sweetly and asked if we fancied a drink. I was thoroughly p1ssed, I asked her to stand up while she was talking to us, and then asked if she was old enough to buy drinks.

She persevered, I still had no idea what was going on. I went to the gents, and trying to wash my hands the sink tap sprayed water all down the front of my beige chinos. When I got back to the bar people laughed, I had no idea, she looked at me and blushed, as it seemed I had a p1ss stained map of India on my leg.

She still persevered. I could hardly form a sentence all night, but afterwards I said I would walk her home, which was about a mile away at the bottom end of town. I could hardly stand up, but I got her home. I had to stop for a wazz behind King Charles The Martyr church, which must have impressed her. I didn’t have a house phone, and all those years ago no mobile phones, so I asked if we could date again, which obviously she declined.

I walked away, without even so much as a goodnight kiss, completely oblivious as to what had gone on. I must have woke the neighbours up as I stumbled away slurring some love song like Del Boy singing “one voice, singing in the darkness”. I never saw her again.

That is, until the following Thursday, when as a long shot I thought I would go to the same nightclub at the same time, but this time sober and in control. And to my delight the young lass was there again.

That was 36 years ago this month. We’ve been married for 34 years, and have three lads aged 31, 29 and 22. Between the 4 of us we have 96 years service as loyal and now long distance Albion fans. God bless Mrs W.

 

[LamieRobertson]

Ummm...took lovely young lady to pub...met friend went to introduce her ..but had forgotten her name (couldn’t remember friends name either)...erm we didn’t go out again ...sigh

 

[Bry Nylon]

Isn't "first" here redundant? If they were that bad, they'd be only dates.

You say that. That young lady at the petrol station? We got married 6 years later.

Lasted 5 years and cost me a house

 

[Gwylan]

You say that. That young lady at the petrol station? We got married 6 years later.

Lasted 5 years and cost me a house

Fair point ... and Seagullwedgee above too - although you may have been better off counting your losses

I've only had one really disastrous one. It was at uni and I'd been out with a young woman who I thought was out of my league (but was also not renowned for her romantic encounters) but we'd got on well and went back to hers for coffee.

Over the course of the evening I'd had a couple of drinks, well, rather more than a couple and, unfortunately puked up rather copiously. The thing was: I didn't make it to the bog in time so it was over me, over her and her sofa. I made a hasty exit, borrowing a tee shirt off her (which obviously didn't fit). I don't think I said another word to her after that (beyond a hasty apology when I returned the shirt). She joined the Moonies a few weeks later - although I don't believe I had any bearing on that.

 

[Swansman]

You say that. That young lady at the petrol station? We got married 6 years later.

Lasted 5 years and cost me a house

Marry me

 

[Bry Nylon]

Marry me

 

[Tokyohands]

I must've only been 14 and got invited to some girls house in Hangleton. I got the bus from Shoreham but by the time I got to hers I was in dire need of a shit. Her and her mum answered the door all smiles but I immediately asked to use the toilet and had quite the horror show in there. When I opened the toilet door her and her mum were both standing there waiting but the smiles quickly turned to gags. Her mum just goes "thanks for that', rather unsurprisingly I never got invited back.

 

[Tokyohands]

The poor young lass who was after a date with me came up to us, all nervous, as we were at the bar. She was very short, like 5 foot 2. She smiled sweetly and asked if we fancied a drink. I was thoroughly p1ssed, I asked her to stand up while she was talking to us, and then asked if she was old enough to buy drinks.

That's hilarious and reminded me of this awkward encounter I had with a very pretty short girl at The Event. Public Enemy were playing a gig which was brilliant and I was well wasted. I was in the middle of the dance floor chatting to this bird who I noticed was using a crutch, just one. I said "what happened to your leg did you break it?" she answered "I've only got one leg" so I bent down for a closer look "oh yeah". I didn't really know what to say after that.

 

[Juan Albion]

What's a first date?

 

[Goldstone1976]

... I had just finished my teach training...

This made me laugh much more than it should have.

 

[Norman Potting]

My best mate had been going out with a lass for about a year. And her best mate asked her to set up a sort of blind date with me. I had no idea. My mate and I used to get tanked up in The Bristol in Tunbridge Wells on a Thursday night, because it was free entry night in Chez Moi, the sh1tty night club opposite, but the drinks in the club were ridiculously expensive.

So we had 6 pints in The Bristol, and dashed into the club at 9.55pm with 5 minutes to spare. Neither of us had any idea that I was being watched, and probably about to be pounced upon. We were smashed. The poor young lass who was after a date with me came up to us, all nervous, as we were at the bar. She was very short, like 5 foot 2. She smiled sweetly and asked if we fancied a drink. I was thoroughly p1ssed, I asked her to stand up while she was talking to us, and then asked if she was old enough to buy drinks.

She persevered, I still had no idea what was going on. I went to the gents, and trying to wash my hands the sink tap sprayed water all down the front of my beige chinos. When I got back to the bar people laughed, I had no idea, she looked at me and blushed, as it seemed I had a p1ss stained map of India on my leg.

She still persevered. I could hardly form a sentence all night, but afterwards I said I would walk her home, which was about a mile away at the bottom end of town. I could hardly stand up, but I got her home. I had to stop for a wazz behind King Charles The Martyr church, which must have impressed her. I didn’t have a house phone, and all those years ago no mobile phones, so I asked if we could date again, which obviously she declined.

I walked away, without even so much as a goodnight kiss, completely oblivious as to what had gone on. I must have woke the neighbours up as I stumbled away slurring some love song like Del Boy singing “one voice, singing in the darkness”. I never saw her again.

That is, until the following Thursday, when as a long shot I thought I would go to the same nightclub at the same time, but this time sober and in control. And to my delight the young lass was there again.

That was 36 years ago this month. We’ve been married for 34 years, and have three lads aged 31, 29 and 22. Between the 4 of us we have 96 years service as loyal and now long distance Albion fans. God bless Mrs W.

Makes it even funnier knowing all the locations to which you refer Add in the Barn and Beacon and that sums up TW nightlife of that era. Fortunately discovered the "Hungry Years" around that time - much better music

 

[jamie (not that one)]

Inspired but this gem from [MENTION=24502]81jamie[/MENTION] on another thread, this MUST be rich theme, surely?

The best way to get over the disasters and humiliations is to share them. I'm sure I must have a few of my own so I'll pop back in a bit and add to the roll of shame.

But in the meantime, a snippet from the post below that can't be allowed to just pass by. WTF?!

The pain is still pretty raw but I think I can be strong enough to offer a little more insight into the incident.

She was a very attractive young lady and we used to flirt a bit whenever I would frequent her place of business on my lunch hour. Like the walking cliche that I am, I dropped into conversation that perhaps we should go for a drink and she agreed. We swapped numbers and text each other for a while (smart phones didn't exist then so we couldn't perform the modern mating ritual of sending each other pictures of our genitals etc) and finally settled on a place (Othellos) and time (around 4 or 5 I seem to remember - the window for intercourse was still open should things go well).

The conversations leading up to that point were great and everything was pointing towards probable coitus, maybe more. Leading up to the big date I was pretty nervous. Lots of build-up, obscene amounts of flirting and innuendo, an obvious physical attraction that was developing into something more than purely carnal desire. The writing was on the wall for spectacular afternoon.

She arrived a little late, nothing to cry about, we said our hellos and sat down. All the joyful exuberance had been drained from her very soul and she just sat there with a blank expression and even blanker persona. I can be moderately funny on my day but I need someone to bounce off to get the jokes flowing. I'm more of a Chuckle Brother than a Richard Pryor and she was offering absolutely nothing in the way of material for me to work with so I went into shut-down mode myself and we just sat there in almost total silence for two or three drinks.

I tried to get some conversation flowing by way of the cocktail menu but she said she just drank bottles of Nastro Azzuro and could maybe have a vodka lemonade. I suggested we get a bite to eat as I was a little peckish but she didn't like anything on the menu and was thinking of meeting friends for dinner. At that point I text a mate to come meet me, he came to Othellos and say with us. I had a great laugh with my friend and she still just sat there not saying anything or joining in.

Finally she said she had to be off and thanked me for a nice afternoon. It was absolutely excruciating so I can't imagine how bad any of her other dates could've been. It's not like she was just shy either. She was totally disinterested.

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

That young lady at the petrol station? We got married 6 years later.

Lasted 5 years and cost me a house

They say time is a great healer but I bet you can’t pass a BP without filling up

 

[Bry Nylon]

They say time is a great healer but I bet you can’t pass a BP without filling up

 

[marlowe]

I don’t know if it was a first date but someone once told me that after a drunken one night stand he woke up to find the girl gone and a big turd on her pillow. Thinking about it, as it was a one night stand I guess it was a first date

Not sure it can get much worse than that tbh

So you could say that she did an "Amber Heard" which works on two levels. One as a direct reference to the Australian actress's alleged bedroom habits according do Johnny Depp in his libel trial, and the other as rhyming slang.

 

[FatSuperman]

The pain is still pretty raw but I think I can be strong enough to offer a little more insight into the incident.

She was a very attractive young lady and we used to flirt a bit whenever I would frequent her place of business on my lunch hour. Like the walking cliche that I am, I dropped into conversation that perhaps we should go for a drink and she agreed. We swapped numbers and text each other for a while (smart phones didn't exist then so we couldn't perform the modern mating ritual of sending each other pictures of our genitals etc) and finally settled on a place (Othellos) and time (around 4 or 5 I seem to remember - the window for intercourse was still open should things go well).

The conversations leading up to that point were great and everything was pointing towards probable coitus, maybe more. Leading up to the big date I was pretty nervous. Lots of build-up, obscene amounts of flirting and innuendo, an obvious physical attraction that was developing into something more than purely carnal desire. The writing was on the wall for spectacular afternoon.

She arrived a little late, nothing to cry about, we said our hellos and sat down. All the joyful exuberance had been drained from her very soul and she just sat there with a blank expression and even blanker persona. I can be moderately funny on my day but I need someone to bounce off to get the jokes flowing. I'm more of a Chuckle Brother than a Richard Pryor and she was offering absolutely nothing in the way of material for me to work with so I went into shut-down mode myself and we just sat there in almost total silence for two or three drinks.

I tried to get some conversation flowing by way of the cocktail menu but she said she just drank bottles of Nastro Azzuro and could maybe have a vodka lemonade. I suggested we get a bite to eat as I was a little peckish but she didn't like anything on the menu and was thinking of meeting friends for dinner. At that point I text a mate to come meet me, he came to Othellos and say with us. I had a great laugh with my friend and she still just sat there not saying anything or joining in.

Finally she said she had to be off and thanked me for a nice afternoon. It was absolutely excruciating so I can't imagine how bad any of her other dates could've been. It's not like she was just shy either. She was totally disinterested.

But did you get any of her hair?

 

[Icy Gull]

So you could say that she did an "Amber Heard" which works on two levels. One as a direct reference to the Australian actress's alleged bedroom habits according do Johnny Depp in his libel trial, and the other as rhyming slang.

I can see why Depp would have lost his rag with her!

 

[Cpt. Spavil]

I've only had one really disastrous one. It was at uni and I'd been out with a young woman who I thought was out of my league (but was also not renowned for her romantic encounters) but we'd got on well and went back to hers for coffee.

Over the course of the evening I'd had a couple of drinks, well, rather more than a couple and, unfortunately puked up rather copiously. The thing was: I didn't make it to the bog in time so it was over me, over her and her sofa. I made a hasty exit, borrowing a tee shirt off her (which obviously didn't fit). I don't think I said another word to her after that (beyond a hasty apology when I returned the shirt). She joined the Moonies a few weeks later - although I don't believe I had any bearing on that.

Same thing happened to me, although I wasn't drinking, I felt nervous as this woman was 4/5 years older than me and was really lovely,

We went for pizza then, I took her back to the train station but on the way I felt really funny and vomited on the street.

I don't think she was disgusted but I think she just wanted to be friends.