Worst Christmas Present

[crodonilson]

What's the worst you've ever had??

Last year my two aunts clubbed together to buy me a calender with horses on.

 

[TonyW]

My Uncle (from Croydon) bought me a Palarse calendar - bastard.
So I bought his kids Seagulls mugs!!

 

[crodonilson]

My friend once got a turd in a box for christmas and it was anonymous, I don't know if he had upset Sharon Osbourn.

 

[pasty]

2 years ago my "sister-in-law" gave me a very nice set of barbeque tools.
Last year my "sister-in-law" gave me a very nice set of barbeque tools.

Wonder what I might get this year ?

 

[bhaexpress]

My Uncle (from Croydon) bought me a Palarse calendar - bastard.
So I bought his kids Seagulls mugs!!

Why complain ? I'm sure it would have made very good toilet paper.

 

[B.M.F]

The US consulate telling me I could not get a visa to spend xmas with my other half was a pretty shitty present

 

[Prof P]

Thrush from my ex, Christmas 1998

I passed it onto my current girlfriend sometime the following spring.

 

[bhaexpress]

The US consulate telling me I could not get a visa to spend xmas with my other half was a pretty shitty present

I can go one better than that, I was refused entry and banged up in a shithole jail over night thus being denied my birthday, Christmas and New Year with my (soon to be ex now) wife.

American Immingration staff are the biggest turds in American and that's in the face of a lot of competition.

 

[tedebear]

I've just dislocated my rib this morning, been trying to get it back in all morning, if its anything like the last time I did it, I'll be in pain all through the Chrimble season, joyous present indeed.

Zefs at his works Christmas do, so I haven't called him cause there ain't much he can do from there...

 

[Gwylan]

Ouch tedebear, that's pretty awful. Hope it's not too bad for you (and that you get Zef to do a lot of running around for you at Christmas).

 

[tedebear]

Thanks mate - should be ok if I can get it back in....

 

[Gwylan]

Thanks mate - should be ok if I can get it back in....

It makes my eyes water just thinking about it...good luck

 

[tedebear]

Me too - although looking like a trip to a&e at the moment...

 

[Couldn't Be Hyypia]

As an eight year old I was given a second hand camping stove by my parents. I never had and never have been camping. All I wanted was a Super Flightdeck.

http://www.stuffwelove.co.uk/superflightdeck.htm

 

[Nibble]

Tede, lie front down on the floor and put your arms behind your back and legs in air, like a cradle and the rock back and forth.

 

[Buzzer]

Tede, lie front down on the floor and put your arms behind your back and legs in air, like a cradle and the rock back and forth.

That's no good. You want to do this:

The Worm

1. Start out in a pushup position, but with your body on the floor with your arms bent.
2. Throw your legs into the air as high as you can, and as your legs fall back down, lift up your abs and roll up all the way to your chest.
3. Repeat as quickly as possible.

The 6 Step

1. Get into a pushup position with legs spread to about shoulder width apart.
2. Lift your right hand and put your left leg where your right hand was (or as close as you can).
3. Bring your right leg behind your left knee and bring your right hand pointed to the sky.
4. Step your left foot out and bring your right hand back down to the floor with your back facing the floor. Both knees should be bent.
5. Step your right foot in front of your left.
6. Step your left foot away shifting your weight onto your right arm and left foot.
7. Bring your right foot under your left foot while bringing your left hand back to the ground in front of you so as to end back into the push-up position.

Freeze

1. Kneel on one knee with one knee up.
2. Put your left elbow on the side of your raised knee, and your right elbow on your hip.
3. Roll onto your hands and try to stay balanced. Your weight should be transferred to around your hands/elbows.

or

1. Start on both knees.
2. Put your left elbow into your left hip.
3. Lean forward onto your left arm (beginners should keep your back straight so as to get a feel for the balance and slight pain associated with this move). Use your right hand for balance and rest your head on the ground.
4. Add style.

Crab

1. Start on both knees.
2. Put your left elbow into your left hip.
3. Lean forward onto your left arm with your back straight (eventually you want your knees bent a little). Do not lean your head on the ground.
4. Reach your right hand out next to your head more or less and pull your body to your right elbow and shift your weight onto your right hip.
5. Bring your left elbow back to your left hip.
6. Go back to the beginning.

Swipes

1. Start on all fours, facing the ground.
2. Straighten up your body.
3. Bend one leg and keep the other straight in the air.
4. Move your hands to one side (and move your body from the waist up).
5. Jump with the bent leg and swing the other.
6. Turn back into the starting position.

Coffee Grinder

1. Put one leg bent and the other straight with your hands on the floor.
2. Swing your straight leg around underneath your bent leg and your hands.
3. Keep spinning until you're done, then put your legs together and spin on your butt until you stop.

The Jackhammer

1. You must learn to master the crab, without switching arms that way you can balance on your hands only.
2. Once the crab is mastered, try to balance on one hand.
3. After you can balance on one hand, put something in between your elbow and body which allows you to spin.
4. From there bounce slightly or spin your hands to move your body.
5. This will take lots of practice and persistence but when finished it looks amazing.

 

[tedebear]

Tede, lie front down on the floor and put your arms behind your back and legs in air, like a cradle and the rock back and forth.

Done that thanks mate - still out - just off to try and lie face down on the dinner table with my arm dangling down with a weight of something...

 

[Pavilionaire]

Abba "Supertrouper" album when I was 10. Cheers Nan, you kunt...

 

[Blackadder]

Toss up between the Herpes last year and the Syphilis the year before.

 

[Buzzer]

Toss up between the Herpes last year and the Syphilis the year before.

Aftershave or the names of carebears?