[Travel] What is the best, and worst, toilets you've ever visited in the UK?

[Baldseagull]

View attachment 184786
London taxi drivers refer to this public toilet in Westminster as the Iron Lung

A few years ago, a Black cab driver jumped out and had a shit on the road behind his cab as I was passing him, near Spitalfields, as I turned my head away from what he was doing, I spotted an old gent in an alleyway being fellated by a young lady. Classy area.

 

[clapham_gull]

Paraded in front a fawning crowd? No thanks

Au contraire.

This was a ceremonial private backroom unavailable to the general public where the crown jewels were cleaned and highly polished.

Camilla: Where is the hand dryer darling ?
Charles: It's his day off.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Another bad one is Henfied cub and scout camp toilet, as enjoyed by me in 1968. A small hole in the ground at the service of 300 small boys. I literally didn't shit for three days, a record for me, owing to the sheer horror of squatting over an absolute filth pit with an uprising of hideous methane derivative, with every chance an older boy would 'pop in' and shove you in it.

Incidentally, you can't beat an al fresco shit in the woods (if suitable tissue paper happens to be handy in the pocket). When my bowels used to play me up, this would be an occasional (very autistic, I know) pleasure.

I once had to forage for greenery at short notice, owing to lack of preparedness, but it was still emotional. Probably best for summer months when the brush is soft and plenty, rather that when there is nothing but dry leaves available. And try not to grasp a nettle by mistake. This is England, not Germany

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

A few years ago, a Black cab driver jumped out and had a shit on the road behind his cab as I was passing him, near Spitalfields, as I turned my head away from what he was doing, I spotted an old gent in an alleyway being fellated by a young lady. Classy area.

You are Dennis Potter and I claim my £5 of luncheon vouchers.

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

Japanese ones can be pretty fancy with various add-ons and self-cleaning rims.

Worst, Glastonbury ones are pretty grim even in the hospitality areas.

 

[clapham_gull]

Another bad one is Henfied cub and scout camp toilet, as enjoyed by me in 1968. A small hole in the ground at the service of 300 small boys. I literally didn't shit for three days, a record for me, owing to the sheer horror of squatting over an absolute filth pit with an uprising of hideous methane derivative, with every chance an older boy would 'pop in' and shove you in it.

Incidentally, you can't beat an al fresco shit in the woods (if suitable tissue paper happens to be handy in the pocket). When my bowels used to play me up, this would be an occasional (very autistic, I know) pleasure.

I once had to forage for greenery at short notice, owing to lack of preparedness, but it was still emotional. Probably best for summer months when the brush is soft and plenty, rather that when there is nothing but dry leaves available. And try not to grasp a nettle by mistake. This is England, not Germany

I had a touch of the Aztec two steps in central London and was forced to have an emergency evacuation in the open air.

It was brutal.

I won't mention the time of day or location because I probably committed a number of offensives, not only that of clean air legislation but one potentially under the Anti-terrorism, Crime and Security Act of 2001.

 

[Easy 10]

Worst: The Reflex, an 80s nightclub in Nottingham city centre. The floor was basically a rancid pond of piss and pubes lapping around your shoes, and the cubicle was straight out of Trainspotting.

Best: Hotel Riu Tequila, Yucutan Peninsula, Mexico. Spotless glistening marble from floor to ceiling, a pleasing scent of crushed blueberries, and a toilet rim you could eat sushi from. Which I duly did, the night before leaving.

 

[dazzer6666]

Best - The Savoy
Worst - holes in the ground inside a canvas cubicle when on scout camps (and having to ‘cover up’ after each doing with a trowel).

 

[Coxovi]

After a two week hike in Nepal in the 90s (best trip ever) I caught a stomach microbe. Spent the next 4 days dragging my sorry ass [sic] to a hole down the hall. First 35 times or so were bearable, then it started to get a bit old…

 

[Comrade Sam]

Chester away 1987. 4 piss soaked walls open to the elements and a knee high mountain of shit in the corner. 2nd was the public loo at a bus garage in Bergama Turkey 17 years ago. The urinal was a dry urine crust and 12,000 flies. When the attendant asked for money as I left, I turned looked him in the eyes and pointed in his face - then in my best Turkish said Çok ayip (choc eye-ip). Which kinda means shame on you, you dirty bastard.

 

[The Clamp]

Worst I ever experienced was Dubai in the late 90’s.

Shit hole.

 

[GT49er]

There's one of the last 'behind a brick wall' type gents in Harbourne (Birmingham). Expectation is to find turds in the urinal trough though. Yeugh!
There should be more public loos though. The undeniable and universal truth is that none of us can 'hold it in' for ever. We can't - so provide public loos wherever they're needed, or face the consequences.



Your choice.

 

[Juan Albion]

Rotherham away, at the old Millmoor ground. Not even any lights for an evening game. Shoot and hope for the best. Bit like our forwards that night too.

 

[Paulie Gualtieri]

A few years ago, a Black cab driver jumped out and had a shit on the road behind his cab as I was passing him, near Spitalfields, as I turned my head away from what he was doing, I spotted an old gent in an alleyway being fellated by a young lady. Classy area.

Gawd Bless E1

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

Japanese ones can be pretty fancy with various add-ons and self-cleaning rims.

Worst, Glastonbury ones are pretty grim even in the hospitality areas.

Just remembered this. Imagine finding a dead Tory in a loo at Glastonbury. Is this a contender for best toilet or worst? I actually witnessed the aftermath of this, I was having an early morning cigarette outside a bar and then police arrived, put screens up around the loo, taped off the area with me inside. I was stuck for about 3 hours.

Christopher Shale - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

 

[Worried Man Blues]

Bell Aldworth have wonderful outside toilet without a roof, splendid when you are in weeing the sun, not so good when it's pissing down..........er so to speak

 

[Flounce]

Worst, a motorway service station in France, the loo was completely full of shit right up to the top

Best - BA toilet in the upper cabin of an Airbus A380 in Business class, it was a better place than my seat on the aircraft and very very big.

 

[worthingseagull]

York City away - they're a bit posh though, as they have had a hand dryer installed now

 

[BigBod]

The worst are when there isn't one when you need it..my stomach flipped and I really had to go. I was outside a Morrisons up north, I went in and no public facilities, I begged them to let me use the staff toilets and they wouldn't. Had to dash outside and shit in the bushes, the relief was so good I really didn't care about the people walking past.

The actual worst I have used in the UK will be at the Bulldog Bash bike rally. It was a massive rally, portaloos were griim. I had to put a good layer of toilet paper over what was already there and push it down to make space...gagging the whole time till I got out of there....

 

[POSKETT AT THE VALLEY]

Best - M&S Fort William. After a six hour drive I was so close to crapping myself but good old M&S came to the rescue.
Worst - I’ve still got the pungent if not fruity smell of the North Stand (Goldstone) urinals in my nostrils.