[Help] What do you say to a bereaved friend?

[Poojah]

I think it was Baz Luhrmann who once said:

Don't worry about the future
Or worry, but know that worrying
Is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing Bubble gum
The real troubles in your life
Are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind
The kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday

Turns out he was an hour early. I’ve just found out through a mate, that the daughter of another of another mate of mine, who was the best man at my wedding, has been killed in a house fire. I feel absolutely broken for the poor girl, for him and for her mum. I just don’t know what to say.

He had her very young, and she had disabilities that meant she had never been able to walk, but she was such a lovely young lady. Despite the challenges she faced, she lived a full life.

She’s been on holidays with us, and my wife in particular used to spend lots of time with her as I’d drop her off at my mate’s then missus (and girl’s mother) while we went to the football. She’s crestfallen too.

I just don’t know what to say to him. I’ve not seen much of him in the last three years due to a change in his work patterns, the breakdown of his relationship with the mother of his kids and Covid. In fact, I hadn’t seen him in over 3 years until I randomly bumped into him a couple of weeks ago and we had an impromptu and long overdue pint. It was great to catch-up, but now this.

What the hell do I say to him!? I can’t remember the last time I felt this sad. What the f*** must he be going through!? I’m alright with words but not at times like this.

Life is brutal.

 

[Badger Boy]

You might find that you don't need to say anything, you just need to listen. Let him speak, hear what he's telling you and be a mate. There is nothing you can say which is going to make a radical difference, but knowing you're someone who will listen to him and be a comfort in that way will mean a lot. A friend of mine recently lost her father, it came out of nowhere. He was in good health and had a lot of plans for the rest of this year and into next, but he slipped on some wet leaves and landed heavily on his head. He was ko'd and not found until it was too late. There's nothing you can say, but you can be there for them. And bring food!

Also, it's a loss for you two in this case and I hope you're doing ok.

 

[hart's shirt]

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear this.

Listening and just being there for your mate often speaks more than any words ever could.

Here are a couple of short Marie Curie videos of people sharing their experiences of grief and how to help.

I hope that they're both of use and some comfort at this time.

 

[Reddleman]

I’m very sorry to hear your story my heart absolutely goes out to all involved.

I have a little experience in this though nothing as awful as losing a child. My advice, as per others, is just reach out and keep it simple. It’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say (if that makes sense) but that you are there for him if there’s anything he needs be that something tangible or just an ear to break his heart to.

Good luck mate.

 

[Greg Bobkin]

Sorry to hear your news. I've no experience of that, but we've had a few family crises over recent years and I've listened, asked if I can do anything and just basically been a support in anyway I can. Let him know you'll be around if he needs/wants anything and check in on him over the coming days, weeks and months without bombarding him.

As people react in different ways to situations such as his/yours, I'm not sure there's a definitive answer apart from than to let him know that you care.

 

[dejavuatbtn]

Sorry to hear your news. Be there, listen. You’ll know what to say. It’s the thinking about it that makes it harder.

 

[highflyer]

Best advice has already been given I think.
Just say sorry.
You and he both know that no words can express feelings fully You and he both know that you saying sorry won't make anything better.
So there is no need to worry about what words you use. It doesn't matter. And he won't notice.

What matter's - as others have said, is that you are there, you don't shy away, don't try and avoid talking about it, if they want to talk, and that you listen. And also, offer whatever practical help you can.

 

[Super Steve Earle]

I think it was Baz Luhrmann who once said:

Don't worry about the future
Or worry, but know that worrying
Is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing Bubble gum
The real troubles in your life
Are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind
The kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday

Turns out he was an hour early. I’ve just found out through a mate, that the daughter of another of another mate of mine, who was the best man at my wedding, has been killed in a house fire. I feel absolutely broken for the poor girl, for him and for her mum. I just don’t know what to say.

He had her very young, and she had disabilities that meant she had never been able to walk, but she was such a lovely young lady. Despite the challenges she faced, she lived a full life.

She’s been on holidays with us, and my wife in particular used to spend lots of time with her as I’d drop her off at my mate’s then missus (and girl’s mother) while we went to the football. She’s crestfallen too.

I just don’t know what to say to him. I’ve not seen much of him in the last three years due to a change in his work patterns, the breakdown of his relationship with the mother of his kids and Covid. In fact, I hadn’t seen him in over 3 years until I randomly bumped into him a couple of weeks ago and we had an impromptu and long overdue pint. It was great to catch-up, but now this.

What the hell do I say to him!? I can’t remember the last time I felt this sad. What the f*** must he be going through!? I’m alright with words but not at times like this.

Life is brutal.

Just pick up the phone and say something/anything. Just be a mate and don't ignore it Tell him you just heard about it and had to pick up the phone to say how sorry you are. Don't overthink it. It's the fact you picked up the phone and gave it a go that matters, and offer to do anything you can to help. It's the mates who don't ring that are the problem.

 

[Poojah]

Thanks for the thoughts and advice people, appreciate it. Have dropped him a text for l now; I don’t expect a response any time soon.

I will pick up the phone too, but suspect things may be somewhat raw at this moment.

 

[dazzer6666]

Nothing much to add other than so sorry to hear. Just making sure he knows you're there for him is enough......no-one really knows what to say in these situations for sure.

 

[fisons]

Well done mate. That is proper friendship and very helpful.

This is such a helpful thread. Great contributions from everybody and full of sense. You dont need to speak, just listen.

 

[Durlston]

A deep, deep hug can say more than a thousands words sometimes in such a desperately sad situation in which you've found out about, Poojah.

It's a long road ahead. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[PILTDOWN MAN]

Being very much on the receiving end at the beginning of this year when my wife died suddenly, it's very simple. People would say to me they didn't know what to say. Often there was forced conversation along with pauses. I ended up saying there's no need to say anything as nothing is going to make a difference. Just be there if I need you, that's what friends are for. If honest I spent more time putting people at ease in the first few months than them comforting me.

People do deal with grief in very different ways so perhaps knowing that person well will hopefully give you an idea of the correct approach.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

I've noticed that most people try to avoid you and not say anything, which rarely helps.

 

[Machiavelli]

Being very much on the receiving end at the beginning of this year when my wife died suddenly, it's very simple. People would say to me they didn't know what to say. Often there was forced conversation along with pauses. I ended up saying there's no need to say anything as nothing is going to make a difference. Just be there if I need you, that's what friends are for. If honest I spent more time putting people at ease in the first few months than them comforting me.

People do deal with grief in very different ways so perhaps knowing that person well will hopefully give you an idea of the correct approach.

Thanks for posting, as that's a huge loss and overhaul you've been through. It's also really good advice. We lost my mum seven years ago (the day before the Charlton 3-2 comeback game), and my experience of that the least welcomed interactions were of the 'sorry to hear, not sure what to say'-type, whereas the most welcomed were of the 'sorry to hear, would you like to talk about it?'-type. The former constitutes a regular reminder of something that's just happened and which is very difficult to know how to deal with when you're going through it.
But everyone grieves differently.

 

[herecomesaregular]

Grief, it's an absolute shitter (obviously). So fecking hard to deal with. Personally, I've never coped well with it and it's really affected my life. Have to admire animals, who do grieve, but get on with things quicker. Again personally I get annoyed if people say "sorry" to bad things happening as I'm always why are you apologising? it wasn't your fault! I would prefer to say/hear how saddened someone is. WIth suicide I was upset that people never mentioned the person again, as if they were erased from memory or shared experiences we'd had because it was embarassing or something to mention them because of how they died. I think it's good to talk about the person. Death is awkward but leaving someone to grieve alone is rarely good for them just easier for us. Overcome awkwardness and contact them in some manner even if not by telephone. For the grieving, anything goes, people react in all manner of ways.

 

[Lenny Rider]

I think it was Baz Luhrmann who once said:

Don't worry about the future
Or worry, but know that worrying
Is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing Bubble gum
The real troubles in your life
Are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind
The kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday

Turns out he was an hour early. I’ve just found out through a mate, that the daughter of another of another mate of mine, who was the best man at my wedding, has been killed in a house fire. I feel absolutely broken for the poor girl, for him and for her mum. I just don’t know what to say.

He had her very young, and she had disabilities that meant she had never been able to walk, but she was such a lovely young lady. Despite the challenges she faced, she lived a full life.

She’s been on holidays with us, and my wife in particular used to spend lots of time with her as I’d drop her off at my mate’s then missus (and girl’s mother) while we went to the football. She’s crestfallen too.

I just don’t know what to say to him. I’ve not seen much of him in the last three years due to a change in his work patterns, the breakdown of his relationship with the mother of his kids and Covid. In fact, I hadn’t seen him in over 3 years until I randomly bumped into him a couple of weeks ago and we had an impromptu and long overdue pint. It was great to catch-up, but now this.

What the hell do I say to him!? I can’t remember the last time I felt this sad. What the f*** must he be going through!? I’m alright with words but not at times like this.

Life is brutal.

Hug him, at times like this there are no words.

You will be there for him throughout, but most importantly the days and months, then years following the funeral service.

As a society we envelope the grief stricken totally between death and the funeral service but the after care is the key.

As a friend you will know what’s the right thing to do.

Take care,

Harty x

 

[Poojah]

Being very much on the receiving end at the beginning of this year when my wife died suddenly, it's very simple. People would say to me they didn't know what to say. Often there was forced conversation along with pauses. I ended up saying there's no need to say anything as nothing is going to make a difference. Just be there if I need you, that's what friends are for. If honest I spent more time putting people at ease in the first few months than them comforting me.

People do deal with grief in very different ways so perhaps knowing that person well will hopefully give you an idea of the correct approach.

Appreciate you taking the time to post thank, thank you. Sorry for your loss too, hope you’re doing well.

 

[dannyboy]

You'll do the right thing. Just make sure you do something! When my wife died suddenly 3 years ago , she was only 52! A lot of people here in NZ where ive lived for 6 years actually steered clear from me . im guessing they didnt really know what to say . To say anything would have been better than nothing though in my opinion

 

[jakarta]

Have now lost almost almost all of my Parents generation (Uncle recently) so just my Mum and last of Mrs Jakarta's Aunts left.

Only thing I can say is call whoever is grieving and offer them some practical help if you can?