What are your favourite opening gambits from Jehova's Witnesses?

[Mr Banana]

1. Have you ever thought about the future?

2. In these days of Further Education, do you think we can really be educated without having a basic knowledge of the bible?

They make me want to cry. I still always end up taking a pamphlet off them, i somehow can't stop myself feel like a shit if i don't. It must be the perfect teeth blinding my senses.

 

[The Great Cornholio]

I used to tell them I'd had a blood transfusion but that doesn't work any more.

 

[Silent Bob]

I tell them I'm catholic. That or f*** off.

 

[Eddie the Seagull]

A kick in the goolies.

 

[Lord Bracknell]

I was on the receiving end of a particularly good opening gambit from a JWit the other day...

"Do you know whether there are any deaf people who use sign language living round here?"

Before I knew what was happening, I was in conversation with him. Apparently they are now offering signed services and are looking to recruit more deaf people to their congregations.






My mother always has a good response to the young men in dark suits that knock on her door ...

"I'll say a pray to Saint Theresa for you".

That usually gets them running.

 

[Scoffers]

When they call on him, my Father In Law just calls them murderers (in reference to not allowing transfusions etc) . Funnily enough, they don't call on him any more

 

[Mr Banana]

The ironic thing is that on the frequent occasions when i do as they suggest and think about the future, my mind is invariably drawn to the irreversible damage the American government is inflicting upon the environment that sustains all human life. Whose leader, of course, used a front of orthodox Christianity to woo millions of voters in his re-election.

 

[bhaexpress]

I tell them I'm catholic. That or f*** off.

Ditto

 

[Normal Rob]

i f***ing hate the way they always come round my place on Xmas day. Piss off c**** and let me eat me dinner and get shitfaced.

 

[The Large One]

There must be some kind of way out of here
Said the joker to the thief
There's too much confusion
I can't get no relief



Geddit?

 

[CHAPPERS]

Whilst walking through town a few weeks ago at 7:00am f***ed on MDMA we stumbled across a queue for the Jehovas Witnesses Convention. It didn't open nutil 10 and there were already about 300/400 people outside trying to get good seats. We got talking to one guy about what they believed, he could tell we were f***ed I imagine but explained their beliefs anyway. Rather interesting if a bit f***ed up. He was a nice boy.

 

[Pavilionaire]

I remember one Saturday morning my then girlfriend left my house while I was still in a state of undress.

A minute later I heard a knock at the door and, thinking it was her and that she'd left something behind, I bounded down the stairs in just a pair of boxers.

Imagine my surprise when I swung the front door open to see a bloke and a woman from Jehovah's Witnesses! Remarkably, they ignored my obvious surprise and embarrassment and continued to bang on about the end of the world...

 

[Lady Whistledown]

I went on a boating holiday on the Norfolk Broads with some mates once.

One afternoon, we'd tied the boat up in Norwich and were sitting on board having a few beers, when there was a knocking sound on the roof. It was two Jehovah's Witnesses doing their rounds, going along all the boats on the riverside.

On a good note, we drunkenly accepted their godly wisdom, and a large quantity of their Watchtower magazines.

The thing that will probably see me burn in hell is that we later used the magazines to get the barbecue going for dinner.

Lovely sausages though, I'm sure Jehovah would have enjoyed them had he been watching

 

[Herne Hill Seagull]

When I was a teenager still living in Brighton they called during the Cup Final(!!!!!) I was, to say the least, not pleased, given that this was in the days when the Cup Final was still a very, very big deal, with coverage from 9am. I told them we were a family of Satanists and shut the door....

Lately I've been polite, but pretty much told them to go away on the weekly occasions that they rang the bell. Until a few months ago that is, when they dragged me (not literally you understand) out of the bath. They got a gobful of abuse, including some language I suspect is heard rarely, if at all, at the Kingdom Hall, and they haven't been back since.

 

[Dave the OAP]

I am never rude to them ( in fact it annoys Mrs DTG that I am also not rude to cold callers on the phone), I let them start and drop in the converation that we are Jewish.

That ends the conversation quickly

 

[Exmouth Seagull]

They keep a written record of every single house on their patch in the local office. It records details of each time they have called and what happened. The records are kept forever so that new witnesses can have a look at it before they go out. If they call you should insist that they put a note in the record for your house that you want no more calls at your house from Jehovas Witnesses ever again. They should now leave you alone.

My wifes best friend was married to a witness for ten years before she got sick of it and divorced him. She gave us this tip - we used it about three years ago and havent had a knock since.

 

[looney]

I invite them in for a cuppa. I'll eitherer put on Kevin bloody Wilsons "Festival of life". Or tell them I'm a mormon and converted a JW a couple of months ago, giving the name of the laster JW I had a row with.


I have religous "issues".

 

[jevs]

One of my work colleagues is a JW. He doesn't swear and won't join in with any of the "explicit natured banter"

Damn nice bloke who has very strong beliefs on every day topics such as homosexuality (he hates it !!!)

I've had more problems with people trying to sell me cheaper leccy or phone calls then JW's.

 

[NMH]

I would have to insist that they came in and lit up a fattie, telling them "iss my reeleegion mon" and have they considered Rastafari ?
Some decent ganga will always bring a chap into full agreement without a struggle.

If there was a mormon chick present, I would insist on masturbating freely, and drooling, whilst looking at her, always interrupting with comments about her pert nipples.

 

[Norman Baker suck my lozenge]

f*** oorf