VIZ top tip for the day

[El Presidente]

COLEEN ROONEY fancy getting your own back on Wayne? Give me a call, yours lovingly, John Terry

Snigger!

 

[Horton's halftime iceberg]

In the latest Viz collection,

SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.

Mark Johnson, e-mail

MEN. IF you have a bout of wind in a posh restaurant, tell the waiter there are crumbs on your chair. When he comes to remove the crumbs with a little hoover, you can fart to your heart's content.

Ben Jones, Bristol

 

[Kenneth Wattle]

COCKNEYS - get 2 of your 5 a day by simply walking up a flight of stairs

 

[Horton's halftime iceberg]

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
"erased."
Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The
Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their
holes.
J.T. Thropton.

 

[El Presidente]

COLLEEN. Teach Wayne a lesson. For £150k you can get a Pakistani cricketer to guarantee you no balls

 

[El Presidente]

FOOTBALLERS. Have a dry month and drive down the price of prostitutes for the rest of us.

 

[Malcolm Millichip]

FOOTBALLERS. Have a dry month and drive down the price of prostitutes for the rest of us.

Stick to moderating will you ?

 

[Horton's halftime iceberg]

MOTORISTS. When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly, and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.

Kathy, Crewe

 

[Collar Feeler]

Drivers of expensive German motor cars, look down at the steering wheel and you will see stalks sticking out at right angles, one of these has arrows printed on it. Push this stalk up and down to activate what other drivers commonly refer to as 'indicators'. These are handy devices to be used when maneuvering your Teutonically engineered pieces of crap in order to inform other road users of your intentions. Now when you are speeding down the road up someone's arse and perform that late lane change you can clearly signal this fact to less skilful and poor drivers. Vorspunk dirt tigertank as they say in Germany - probably.

J Goebbels, Nuremburg.

 

[Stoo82]

FOOL your friends into thinking you got lucky last night by simply eating some Scampi Flavour Fries

 

[Durlston]

Get a free lift home after being in the pub from the curry house takeaway by phoning up and asking if they deliver. Half an hour later, ask if it's for a Mr. Smith and jump in the car with them to your house.

 

[Caveman]

Make fans feel like they have commited a crime at footnall matches by gathering in groups, whispering and pointing.

Mr H Eadsteward.

 

[El Presidente]

WHEN your wife goes out, always remember the correct order to have Salt & Vinegar crisps and a wank.

 

[Northstander]

WHEN your wife goes out, always remember the correct order to have Salt & Vinegar crisps and a wank.