Things guaranteed for Brazil WC 2014...

[The Fifth Column]

England with our decidedly average players will be shit and let us down again anyway, not before the press have built up everyone's expectations and we all delusionally think we might have a chance. Somewhere in the tournament you can guarantee the following:

A small Mediterranean referee will make a shocking decision against us and cost us the game.
England will miss a series of penalties.
An England player will be pictured dressed as a nazi storm trooper at a party in 2009 and the papers won't leave it alone, he will play badly and become the scapegoat for England's abject failure.
A group of pro-russian players will turn up for the official russian teams game against Belgium, they will annex the center circle and threaten to shoot anyone who crosses the halfway line.
There will be a South American player with a ridiculous name and similarly ridiculous haircut, the Sun headline will read along the lines of, 'anyone fancy a Brazilian' or some other pubic haircut related tomfoolery.
Sepp Blatter will deny that there are any problems as a riot rages outside a stadium and protestors are shot dead by police snipers, Blatter will claim it has nothing to do with football or the World Cup and will be escorted out by an armed guard.
The entire Aussie team will be pictured enjoying the delights of a Rio brothel, they will be hailed as dinky die hero blokes in Australia.
An England player will be pictured looking in the direction of a topless teenage hooker 50 yards away on a beach, he will be sent home and forced to front a 'kick prostitution out of football' campaign.

Any others?

 

[Jim Van Winkle]

Hoping David Pleat with be commentating and telling us tales of "last gasp hand-job on the line" - circa WC 2002.

Don't forget the Dutch squad will have a big bust up on the eve of the tournament.

An African team will do rather well (semi-finals) and ITV will be telling us they're the plucky underdogs everyone wants to do well. No really ITV they won't be.

Expect Rooney or Sturridge to get injured sometime in April.

 

[BadFish]

Despite the fact that our defense is ropey and we finally have a few exciting attacking players we will still play an uninspiring dull game which will lead us to be in contention for the knockout stage bu ultimately narrow miss out.

 

[Pevenseagull]

1 Gary Lineker will use the phrase 'carnival atmosphere in Rio' and think he is clever and amusing for doing so

2 Gary Lineker will not be clever and/or amusing

3 ITV will cut to adverts during a penalty shoot out

4 A pundit will excuse some lewd comment about Brazilian women as being 'banter'

5 Poyet will earn a tidy sum

6 Hodgson will make a lame excuse rather than just admitting England are simply not good enough.

I could go on ........... and probably will

 

[Pevenseagull]

Should Uruguay meet Germany, Talk Sport will run an hilarious campaign based around eating tinned Steak and Kidney products and/or Corned Beef and watching 'The Battle Of the River Plate' ...............




(banter)

 

[Jim Van Winkle]

BBC pundits will choose their Player(s) to watch for the tournament and all of them will flop as per usual.

 

[turienzo's lovechild]

-the phrases "carnival atmosphere" and "colourful fans" will be used every single game
-one of the following will have a massive implosion and crash out in the first round: France, Italy, Netherlands, Argentina
-England will exceed peoples expectations by getting to the quarter finals
-a new hate figure will emerge from the itv/bbc punditry teams
-Belgium won't be anywhere near as great as people think they will
-At least one of Englands better players will either miss the tournament or be unfit for it
-One, and only one, African side will make the Quarter Finals
-Germany will win the tournament

 

[somerset]

A group of England fans will be filmed throwing chairs in a town square, besieged by local knife wielding locals.

 

[Prince Monolulu]

Not forgetting the painstakingly produced montage at the completion of the tournament showing carnivals, players' tears of joy and ecstasy, hilarious goofs and gaffs and cheeky winks and dances all to the background music of.....well something akin to this really.

 

[Badger]

There will be a number of cameramen whose sole purpose is to pick out FITTIES in the crowd, a job which shouldn't be too challenging in Brazil.

 

[turienzo's lovechild]

-Bosnia & Herzegovina will be the tournaments SURPRISE PACKAGE

 

[somerset]

We will see endless loops of Brazil's goals in the 1982 World Cup,... Socrates, Eder, Falcao etc......

 

[The Legend that IS Lawro]

The boy Lineacre with Shearer and/or Chiles with Keane playing keepy-uppy on the beach with some local street kids

 

[TWOCHOICEStom]

• During the build up to every single match, we will see the same footage of Brazillians partying in the streets blowing whistles and playing BONGOS
• A BBC journalist will eat traditional food at a house in a favella
• We will see 106 different images of children playing barefoot on gravel pitches
• We will see the same two Brazilian women (one blonde, one brunette) dancing together in the crowd at every single match. They will be wearing fake replica shirts, cut off somewhere between the breasts and belly button. They will also be wearing face paint.
• A host of 2 second interviews with English fans before every match saying what a great country Brazil is. "One big party" "CARNIVAL atmosphere" "CARNIVAL!", "Locals are great"", "One big CARNIVAL", " It's like a CARNIVAL"
• The use of the word CARNIVAL will end up being more irritating than the constant blasting of vuvuzellas at the last World Cup
• People will blow whistles like this "toot toot toooot ta toot toot tatoooot" (you know what I mean)
• Some woman in the crowd with massive feathers on her head will be belly dancing during extra time of the quarter final

That's all I've got right now.

 

[Easy 10]

The ball will move around in the air a lot because of its "revolutionary design". So when you see shots and free kicks being blazed MILES over the bar, its because the players are still adjusting and getting used to using it.

 

[Hiney]

The Maracana - the spiritual home of football