Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
--------------------
Policeman: Knock, knock.
Woman: Who's there?
Policeman: The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
--------------------
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
--------------------
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
--------------------
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.
--------------------
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
--------------------
How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
--------------------
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
--------------------
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."
The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit."
--------------------
Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?
Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.
--------------------
Man: What a beautiful dog. Does he bite?
Dog-owner: No.
Man: Can I pet him?
Dog-owner: No, he has a form of eczema that makes him skin weep if touched.
--------------------
What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?
There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.
--------------------
What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?
A mule.
--------------------
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.
However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other.
--------------------
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull.
Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
--------------------
Policeman: Knock, knock.
Woman: Who's there?
Policeman: The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
--------------------
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
--------------------
Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
--------------------
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.
--------------------
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
--------------------
How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
--------------------
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
--------------------
Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."
The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit."
--------------------
Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?
Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.
--------------------
Man: What a beautiful dog. Does he bite?
Dog-owner: No.
Man: Can I pet him?
Dog-owner: No, he has a form of eczema that makes him skin weep if touched.
--------------------
What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?
There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.
--------------------
What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?
A mule.
--------------------
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.
However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other.
--------------------
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull.
