Bevendean Hillbilly
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Stupid little joke
- Thread starter Uncle C
- Start date
One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies
"There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid..... a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer printed the following:
************************************************** ********************
1)Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........
Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies
"There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid..... a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good
measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer printed the following:
************************************************** ********************
1)Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........
Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Mommy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
Mommy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Bevendean Hillbilly
New member
Two blokes get washed up on a desert island and are immediately taken prisoner by the fierce cannibal inhabitants.
Dragged before the chief he offers to spare them the barbecue if they can bring him 100 examples of a type of the islands fruit within an hour.
50 minutes later the first bloke runs back to the chief carrying 100 mangoes..
"Good" says the chief, "But now to please the Gods you must push them all up your arse, or else" he points at the crackling coals.
So the bloke starts shoving the fruit up his backside whilst sobbing and cursing, he is on 99 when he suddenly lets out a shriek of hysterical laughter and out come tumbling all the mangoes.."Why you laugh, you wish to die?" asks the chief,
"No" says the bloke pointing at the edge of the forest, I've just seen my mate coming carrying 100 coconuts"
Dragged before the chief he offers to spare them the barbecue if they can bring him 100 examples of a type of the islands fruit within an hour.
50 minutes later the first bloke runs back to the chief carrying 100 mangoes..
"Good" says the chief, "But now to please the Gods you must push them all up your arse, or else" he points at the crackling coals.
So the bloke starts shoving the fruit up his backside whilst sobbing and cursing, he is on 99 when he suddenly lets out a shriek of hysterical laughter and out come tumbling all the mangoes.."Why you laugh, you wish to die?" asks the chief,
"No" says the bloke pointing at the edge of the forest, I've just seen my mate coming carrying 100 coconuts"
In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England,
and said:
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every
living thing along with a few good humans.'
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard,
but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is
the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire
Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission
for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site,
even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission
on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited
workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'
and said:
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see
the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every
living thing along with a few good humans.'
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard,
but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is
the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed
Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire
Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission
for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site,
even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree
Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific
Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission
on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited
workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming
I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'
Bevendean Hillbilly
New member
You know what, I do beieve you're right. Obviously 100 coconuts up your arse would be relatively comfy, your pineapple would be much more tedious.
champion7
fast and furious
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Please forward this warning immediately to at least 6 friends.
If you realize you do not have 6 friends then you are already infected and WORK
has taken control of your life.
Please forward this warning immediately to at least 6 friends.
If you realize you do not have 6 friends then you are already infected and WORK
has taken control of your life.