[Football] So... surely it's high time to decide who is/was our slowest ever player...

[Kosh]

Jimmy Case at the end of his career... he didn't actually need to move out of the centre circle mind!

Interesting to read the takes herein re those class older players who seemingly could dictate a game with zero legs... Ray Wilkins of Orient era springs to mind. What is difficult to understand is how a younger pro can be soooo slow. God alone knows how slow Kemy will be at 41 (I think Case made it that far), or indeed how ponderous Ross Johnson is now... George Parris was bad enough!

Paul Byrne was another very slow winger... so slow he actually benefitted from the opposition falling over themselves as they tore beyond his wake.

 

[Yoda]

Remember Dirk Lehmann being overtaken by moss growing on the Withdean pitch once

 

[Wilko]

Joe Gatting or Gary Dicker

 

[Whitechapel]

Marcus Painter? I cant remember the game but it was our first season at the Amex and he was chasing a ball down the left wing.

Poor guy. Never stood a chance.

West Ham away always sticks in my mind. Painter was getting sodomised by Vaz Te time and time again which prompted the bloke sitting behind me to shout "For f*cks sake Painter, you run like a torso."

To this day I'm not sure if he was just too drunk to prononuce Tortoise/Turtle or if he was saying that Painter ran like he had no limbs. Either way it makes me laugh every time I think of it.

 

[Kosh]

Joe Gatting or Gary Dicker

I remember John Carew out pacing Dicker, he was therefore slower than most living things... indeed more glacial is his movement.

 

[Kosh]

Ian Baird - both slow and chronically unfit. He looked like we'd asked the coach driver to play. Pint, pie, cig, goal. And then drive the lads to Blackpool for some quality late evening 'ladies night' action down the pink pussycat.

Pickled onions, bowls filled with quavers and roasted peanuts... pints for £1.75.

Beautiful.

 

[Kosh]

My Albion slow XI:

Wayne Henderson
Marcos Painter
Ross Johnson
Gary Hobson
Robbie Pethick
Gary Dicker
George Parris
Paul Byrne
Darren Currie
Ian Baird
Ritchie Barker.

 

[Berty23]

Staggered no one has named Mark McCammon.

 

[The Antikythera Mechanism]

Fred Emney has to be in with a shout

 

[Sirnormangall]

Remember Dirk Lehmann being overtaken by moss growing on the Withdean pitch once

To be fair, Dirk was slowed down by the weight of his earrings.

 

[Sirnormangall]

Staggered no one has named Mark McCammon.

At Brentford they give him the nickname "shopping trolley " because no one knew at what speed or in what direction he was going to go.

 

[Wellesley]

Dean Hammond would have been an excellent player if he could have accelerated beyond walking pace.

 

[seagullwedgee]

I raise you a Federico Turienzo,

McGhee bought him to Withdean having seen one video. When he got here, we ACTUALLY had to teach him to run. True story.

 

[MrSnuggles]

Dean Hammond would have been an excellent player if he could have accelerated beyond walking pace.

You beat me too it! When he ran it looked like Michael Jackson's moon walk

 

[big nuts]

Billy Painter. I've seen milk turn quicker.

Les Briley very close behind.

 

[Moshe Gariani]

So funny that Joe Gatting gets described by a load of overweight middle aged men as "slow"...

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[Lady Whistledown]

Not sure if Russell Osman had any pace in his Ipswich Town prime, but he'd certainly lost it by the time he arrived at the Goldstone.

May I suggest Frank Stapleton, however, after his mate Liam Brady brought him to the Albion for no apparent reason? The polar ice cap in Greenland is receding faster than big Frank ever moved for us.

 

[Buzzer]

Joe Gatting, surely.

 

[Buzzer]

Fred Emney has to be in with a shout

View attachment 91027

That's Fatty Foulkes, the Sheffield United keeper of legend, isn't it?

 

[Kosh]

So funny that Joe Gatting gets described by a load of overweight middle aged men as "slow"...

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Hey Joe,

I think it's funnier that you were actually slower than those same middle aged men. As for me, I'm neither overweight nor middle aged, but I am right when I say that you were incredibly, incredibly ****ing slow.