Silly things you've done when under the influence...

[Meade's Ball]

I once went to one of those stage hypnotism nights and had the misfortune of living with a man called Keith who i'd been convinced was my mother by Corply Buccoon, the deceiver and convincer of the evening who sadly, for me, had a heart attack in mid-performance. Keith had also been coerced into this belief of his maternality of me, and his love seemed beautifully yet painfully real for this long 12 months of my occasional tantrums and his tears of suffering as i suckled with constant desperation. I send keith even now segments of my monthly income to aid his nipple-uncracking treatments and some therapy to help him delete the moments of my need for serious scrubbings down at the end of a schoolday. He was so proud of me, though, was Keith, in part for my school reports and abilities to outspell the other 3 year olds, and i loved him a little more than i was able to of my actual mother, who i would think had something of a tough time watching me in this perfect relationship from afar before the spell itself ran out. I ponder far ahead and think of the etching on Keith's funeral stone, fairly sure this embarassment won't be mentioned, but annually i'll visit the site and deposit some warm thoughts in his body's motherly direction, whilst under my respectable garb will be one of the nappies he bought to cater for my monstrous ploppetry. To Keith.

 

[Davemania]

I've never been to Canada in my life. I'll buy you a pint though at the Amex for the Barnsley match if you're in the West stand upper.

Going to Ibiza with an eighth of cannabis hash in my luggage a few years ago and having a few pints before boarding the plane for dutch courage. I thought it would be difficult to get over there but practically every scouser was selling it cheap.

That reminds me of my pointless smuggling adventure. We'd been driving round France for about 4 days, a couple of weeks after passing my driving test sleeping in the car. We had purchased some solid off some dodgy geezer hanging about outside the graveyard where Jim Morrison is buried. Back at the ferry port we had quite a lot of it left to smoke so we parked up about half a mile away and smoked bifters for a few hours and then drove on up to the terminal. The most stupid part is we didnt finish it all so we hid the rest loosely rattling around in a deoderant cap, ah cunning hiding place. As soon as we drove up towards the ferry we were beckoned to one side by the customs officials probably in large part to the car being an absolute tip piled high with clothes and rubbish and clearly containing two very stoned youths inside it. I pulled up alongside this guy and stared blankly at him through the window until my friend said Man, i think he wants you to wind the window down. Oh...yeah. Obviously they were convinced we were carrying some still which stupidly we were. Had they thought about it though it was much more likely that we had just smoked it all (almost). Anyway they turfed out everything i mean everything out of this car even opened the camera and ruined the film whilst we stood there stoned out of our brains looking sheepish but they never did find the rest of the solid. This went on for about 15/20 mins They thought we would have hidden it better i guess.