[Misc] Putting your foot in it - your worst examples?

[dejavuatbtn]

Many years ago I was watching the open golf on tv at my ex father in laws. His niece and her husband were down for a few days from Scotland. Nick Faldo was playing well and leading, and had his new Caddie Fanny with him. I commented that his old caddy must have been a bit pissed off. The guy turned round and said “Yes, it was me!”

 

[W3D]

Apparently, if it's taken a while for a waitress to get to your table, and she says " sorry about the wait", the correct response definitely isn't " that's ok, I like a girl with a few curves"

 

[W3 BHA]

A few years ago a saw 9 Below Zero at the Fleece in Bristol. I'd had a few and later found myself standing next to Gerry McAvoy, bass player at the time, at the urinals. I turned towards him and slurred, 'You're Gerry McAvoy'. 'Yes, I am', he replied. ' You used to be in the Rory Gallagher Band' said I. 'Yes, yes i did', he said. I gave it some thought and then said, ' He's dead now!' Cue tumblweed and a filthy look from Gerry

 

[Bodian]

One of the lads I used to play football with got done for speeding and lost his licence. The paper said something like he was doing 90mph on his way across the Pennines to see his Mum who had had a fall. I mentioned it in the dressing room, and jokily said something like; 'worth it though to see your Mum, hope she appreciated it?'

To which the answer was 'she was dead when I got there'.

I didn't know what to say or where to look.

 

[Wozza]

A few years ago a saw 9 Below Zero at the Fleece in Bristol. I'd had a few and later found myself standing next to Gerry McAvoy, bass player at the time, at the urinals. I turned towards him and slurred, 'You're Gerry McAvoy'. 'Yes, I am', he replied. ' You used to be in the Rory Gallagher Band' said I. 'Yes, yes i did', he said. I gave it some thought and then said, ' He's dead now!' Cue tumblweed and a filthy look from Gerry

Ha. I was at a party once when a p1ssed-up friend told a woman that she "looked like that bird from The Corrs".

Her reply? "I am 'that bird' from The Corrs".

(Excuse Dwayne-esqe name-drop)

 

[Bodian]

Apparently, if it's taken a while for a waitress to get to your table, and she says " sorry about the wait", the correct response definitely isn't " that's ok, I like a girl with a few curves"

I was sat down in my first job at the bank trying to decipher some numbers, and exclaimed 'what a figure' when there was one I really couldn't work out what digit it was.

Only for a colleague (absolutely lovely, and someone I had a bit of a crush on) who was walking by to say 'thanks very much, most kind of you'.

Obviously I was quite embarrassed, as you're not meant to say that sort of thing about women in the workplace, so tried to explain it away by saying 'no, not you, this writing'. Of course, this just made it worse, as I then had to stammer something along the lines of 'but I don't mean you haven't....oh'.

My boss just said 'Maybe it's time for you to make a cup of tea for us all'.

 

[Eeyore]

I once went to an evening party that I didn't really want to go to.

I went into the kitchen and there was a ton of lovely food. 'This is what we came for' I gleefully exclaimed to my partner.

The host was standing behind me.

 

[origigull]

One of my mates years ago asked another mates wife when is the baby due as you are big enough to drop. She turned and walked away in a mad rage shouting 'I had the baby months ago.' The husband wasn't too pleased with him either.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Had a call with a Scottish colleague earlier. I obviously launched STRAIGHT into “Scotland get battered everywhere they go…”

Turns out he hasn’t been watching the football. His mate is in a coma, with his life in the balance, after he got hit by a bus at the weekend.

Oops.

That’s up there (down there) with the time I casually asked a new dad if his baby “had all its fingers and thumbs” - a ruddy ridiculous question, but I was v young. Turns out he did, but has Down’s Syndrome. A conversation I really wasn’t ready for at the time.

Worst ever was a few months’ back when I jovially asked a (distant) colleague how he was enjoying being a dad. Turns out his baby daughter was born with a brain issue and had died after a few weeks. *cringe*

Had a few “Are you pregnant?” scrapes too. I don’t ask unless they look at least 7 or 8 months in.

What’s YOUR worst?

Oh boy. I never thought you were *that* guy. I'm *that* guy. On steroids.

One I've mentioned before. One of my students, a goth at the time (early 90s) came in wearing especially black clothes one morning.

Smart arse says "Either your hamster has died or you've run out of coloured clothes"







"Actually it was my grandmother".
Turns on heels and with the faint whiff of burning sulphur, exits scene left.

 

[Guinness Boy]

When I was a kid, the Saturday evening family treat was fish and chips from the local chippie. I used to go with my dad to collect the order and over the years we got to know the owner and the other regulars in the early-evening Saturday queue pretty well.

One weekend, my older sister was home form nursing college in London and when it got to fish and chip time, she offered to go and collect them and consequently I was dispatched to go with her, as I knew the ropes. In her mitigation, I don't think she'd ever really been to the chippie before in her life.

When we arrived in the bustling shop, the owner spotted me coming through the door and called out from behind the fryers, "Alright young 'un? No dad tonight?"
"He's at home," I replied. "But he said to ask if you've got a chicken leg?"
Whereupon my sister thought it would be a good time to shout out, "No - it's just the way he walks!", Eric Morecambe style, which to be fair, in different circumstances, could have been quite funny.
Instantly, all the chatter stopped and a deathly hush instantly fell across the shop.
"I'll have to check out the back," replied the owner, coldly, as he limped off through the coloured streamers, his prosthetic limb and platform boot scrapping along the floor.

FFS

Not quite as good but many years ago I was going to get fish and chips with a mate. It was at the time that Channel 4 comedy show (either Friday or Saturday Night Live) with Harry Enfield was on. We loved his characters and on the way round my mate was doing his best Loadsamoney. I was replying with my best Stavros impression just as we walked into the chippie, which went deathly silent. The look from the owner confirmed they were Greek. We left.

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

Not me. But a group of us stayed in a Blackool B&B the weekend of an Albion game. Sunday morning we were in the breakfast room and the chirpy owner asked a woman wearing dark glasses “heavy night was it?”. After a short pause, her partner replied “no, she’s blind”. Room went silent.

 

[Bodian]

Not me. But a group of us stayed in a Blackool B&B the weekend of an Albion game. Sunday morning we were in the breakfast room and the chirpy owner asked a woman wearing dark glasses “heavy night was it?”. After a short pause, her partner replied “no, she’s blind”. Room went silent.

My Dad was blind, and he wouldn't have minded this at all, and would have had a good laugh. What did annoy him was when people would ask us or my mum questions they could have asked him - because obviously being blind also meant he was mentally deficient. Hence the long-running radio programme for the blind called 'Does He Take Sugar?'

 

[BevBHA]

My Dad was blind, and he wouldn't have minded this at all, and would have had a good laugh. What did annoy him was when people would ask us or my mum questions they could have asked him - because obviously being blind also meant he was mentally deficient. Hence the long-running radio programme for the blind called 'Does He Take Sugar?'

You may be able to solve a long time mystery of my family! My (at the time) 7 year old nephew once asked me very loudly in a public place upon seeing a blind person with a guide dog “who picks up a guide dogs poo?” I was mortified!

 

[Bodian]

You may be able to solve a long time mystery of my family! My (at the time) 7 year old nephew was asked me very loudly in a public place upon seeing a blind person with a guide dog “who picks up a guide dogs poo?” I was mortified!

Ha - good question! This was a while back, so there was less 'picking up' in those days. But the thing about guide dogs is their training. My dad had three altogether, and they would be taken to the back yard to 'get busy'. They would never go when on the lead. So, that left when running around the park/rec. If it were just my Dad, it wouldn't be picked up at all. If we were there, it would be us. I don't remember any of them ever using the pavement - because if they were on the lead they were working.

 

[Bry Nylon]

When me and my mates were old enough to get served in pubs without too much bother, one of our regular Saturday night haunts was a little boozer on the outskirts of Uckfield. (That isn’t the embarrassing bit btw, although I fully accept that it could be).

One evening, there were a couple of new faces; a quiet sort of lad who was a friend of a friend and a rather masculine looking young woman, pumping a seemingly endless supply of fifty pence pieces into the Kanomi Track & Field video game machine, which was beginning to frustrate me deeply.

“Of course, it isn’t too bad in here,” I said breezily to the friend-of-a-friend, trying to adopt the aloof manner of a hardened and worldly-wise pub goer. “Especially when some f***ing sex change isn’t hogging the Track and Field game.”

“Oh,” he replied. “I’ll let her know. She’s my girlfriend.”

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Ha. I was at a party once when a p1ssed-up friend told a woman that she "looked like that bird from The Corrs".

Her reply? "I am 'that bird' from The Corrs".

(Excuse Dwayne-esqe name-drop)

Did you start this thread just to post that?

If so, top work

 

[BN9 BHA]

I was working on a building site in the 90s and was friendly with the painters, one morning 2 of them came in to work with number 1 crew cuts, they had another painter with them that I hadn’t met, he was wearing a bandanna.
I was commenting on the new haircuts and asked the lad with the bandanna if he also had a crew cut but didn’t want anyone to see it……he replied that he wore a bandanna because he had Alopecia

 

[Lady Whistledown]

Similar email error. My step daughter was going by train on her own aged 13 to see her dad. I put her on the train and asked her dad to let me know when he’d picked her up at the other end.

He duly did, so I forwarded the message to her mum saying “dick head knobjockey had picked her up”

Except I didn’t “forward” it. Yup, I’d hit reply

Most of us will have done that with either an email or a WhatsApp message won't we?

I accidentally sent quite a rude message to the IT department, two days into a new job, after an attempt to send an email to someone in my old job kept bouncing back due to a word in it (entirely innocently, it must be said) getting blocked by the firewall. Eventually, I tried to re-send it to the intended recipient, complete with an explanation, slating the IT department for their pettiness. Only to hit Reply to the automated message instead of forwarding it back to my ex colleague.

I got a very short email back from IT explaining what firewalls were for and asking if I'd like them to forward it to my new manager.

Could have been worse though. A former colleague thought he'd engage in some sexy time by phone with his partner of the time, only to accidentally send the photo of his cock to his Mum. I mean, it's nothing she wouldn't have seen before, of course, but not in THAT state.

 

[BevBHA]

I was working on a building site in the 90s and was friendly with the painters, one morning 2 of them came in to work with number 1 crew cuts, they had another painter with them that I hadn’t met, he was wearing a bandanna.
I was commenting on the new haircuts and asked the lad with the bandanna if he also had a crew cut but didn’t want anyone to see it……he replied that he wore a bandanna because he had Alopecia

The bandana part reminded me of this video. It’s absolutely fantastic, I bet the blokes never heard the end of it. Has me in tears every time I watch it

 

[chickens]

One from a relative that has the smack of an urban myth about it, but if true is a diamond example: We’ll call him Bob to protect the guilty.

Bob rang a mate of his who’d recently had a minor fire caused in their kitchen by a chip pan (put out before the rest of the house was damaged)

“Hello, is that Smoky Joe’s?” goes Bob.

“Oh, hello Bob, um, can I call you back? I’m just back from my dad’s cremation.”