Plenty of tasty TEAR UPS in store next season

[fork me]

If your worried about making yourself look like a 'tit' on an internet forum god knows what kind of paranoid wreck you'd be in real life. but its a fair point. its what most would think i suppose...

 

[fork me]

Instead of just rejoicing about those those 'biting' on what admittedly could just be a wind up thread, how about questioning the mentality of the person masquerading as a hooligan throwback. Either way they need to get a life!

Questioning the mentalitiy?

I'd just say it shows nhe has a sense of humour. Your posts suggests you don't.

HTH

 

[fork me]

hahaha ok if you insist.

did i ask for your life story? or any story for that matter?
if the answer to that is no, which i think you'll find is correct, then go and cry in a little corner by yourself as noone cares.

How do you know that Noone cares? I haven't seen him suggest that.

 

[Seagull Steve]

Seriously mate, the world is crying out for a comedy piss take hooligan book. You should start writing.

I'd buy it in a shot. This thread has really made me laugh out loud.

 

[fataddick]

And here's the scores on the doors. How did your so-called hooligan top lad do. Is he a man or a mouse. Or a mug. Or a macaroni? Who is the Weakest Link goodbye.

1. How many times did Blackburn get run at Ewood Park in the 83-84 season?

1. Trying me with a trick question sonny? Those in the know know that it was 3.5 times. Leeds, Middlesboro, Burnley had them on full runs, but afteer Fila introduced a limited edition trainer that only was sold in left shoes, the Blackburn Gravy Gang all bought them, and wore them at home matches. When Grimsby took them on after the match at Ewood, Blackburn's finest had to hop on one leg away from the bifters, hence the half that was given when totting up skirmishes at the end of season awards.

CORRECT Clever lad. Yes, it's a famous trick question. Even most of the bigboys from back in the day wrongly say four when asked, largely as their memories are so shot to shit from too many Bertie Bassetts in their retirement that they can't remember where they left their cockrings (one of the main weapons in the day, as well you know) let alone anything else. Well done.

2. What did Bam Bam from the Hullbellies end up getting sent down for?

2. Sniffing Dean Windass' mum's bicycle seat when she was 14 and smearing it in balti sauce to make it taste better.

CORRECT/WRONG He got a suspended sentence for that. He went to nick for claiming his knuckledusters as a fully reclaimable business expense on his 80-81 tax return. Every twat knows knuckledusters are a capital purchase, and their cost has to be claimed over three tax years (five if brass). The cheeky sod.

3. How did Freddie Foureyes of Oxford's Biscuitshitter Crew lose one of his (actual) eyes?

3. Drilling a hole in the ladies bogs at the Goldstone to peer through, unfortunately Big Sarah then came in for a dump, and what he saw there caused instant blindness and three years in a psychatric ward.

WRONG You just made that up as you hadn't a clue. As if one of the Biscuitshitter Crew would attend a game, they only followed football for the toe to toe action, they were all lacrosse fans when it came to sport. The real story, should you care to be educated: Everyone knows Freddie was a solo operative, always off doing his own extreme thing away from the rest of his firm. One time when Port Vale were coming to town, he not only found out which train the Dodgy Boiler Unit bigboys were on, but also which carriage. So he camped up at Heyford station (which the train was due to pass through without stopping) ready to headbutt the DBU's carriage as the train went past. DBU were well ahead of the game - that's the problem of being a solo operative - and had a spotter on the platforms of all of the stations their train was due to go through (except Berkswell, 'cause everyone refused to do it in case people started nicknaming them 'the berk' afterwards). The spotter at Heyford recognised Freddie, and got a message (via carrier pigeon) to the boys on the train. By lucky coincidence (lucky for the DBU, less lucky for Freddie!) the Oxford University Javelin Team were on the same train. DBU half-inched their gear and shoved javelins out of all the windows just as they went through Heyford. That was the day Freddie Foureyes became Freddie Threeeyes (or Freddie Twoeyes if he ever wore a monocle, which to my knowledge he never did).

4. What's a 'Grimsby smile'?

4. It's when your sister noshes you off in the aforementioned town, but forgets to put her teeth in.

CORRECT/WRONG That's the civilian definition, which everyone on here will know. The ITK term is quite different and is one of the four 'smiles'. The Chelsea Smile, where you shove a credit card in some mug's gob, even the most naive scarfer/civilian on here will have heard of. The Peterborough Smile is where you gag them with a load of 50p's on a bit of gaffer tape. The Portsmouth Smile is the same thing, but with 10p's. The Grimsby Smile is what you did when you were skint, or had forgotten to bring your wallet out with you. It was when you took off one of your socks, did a shit in it, and stuck it in your opponent's mouth. I'm sure you did it - we all did - but I guess you didn't know what it was called. Schoolboy mistake. I'm disappointed, frankly.

5. What sort of people were banned from joining Walsall's 8.53 To New Street Firm?

5. It was the Beano Bandits. They got into a fight amongst themselves arguing about how many stripes there were on Dennis the Menace's jumper.

WRONG This was before the Beano Bandits was even formed (they were an off-shoot of the Badger Baiters, not the 8.53 To New Street Firm, anyway, as I'm sure you know). The actual answer: Milkmen. The 8.53 To New Street Firm's general, Bigboned Phil, banned them from joining after he found out his wife had been shagging one while he was away on missions. Postmen, Eggmen, Paper Boys, Jehovah's Witnesses and the Duke of Westminster were also added to the ban list over the course of that season.

God Bless the Queen Mum.

CORRECT

You ain't done as badly as I thought you would, so I'll take you at face value for the moment. But I'll be watching in case you start sucking up other lads' doings. Take credit where it's due, take liberties wherever you can. Live long and f*** shit up, brother.

 

[fataddick]

Seriously mate, the world is crying out for a comedy piss take hooligan book. You should start writing.

Funnily enough, someone on here who writes for a living spent much of last night in the pub writing up a treatment for something they will run by Pompous in due course. As for a spoof hooligan memoir, that's already been done - by Ivor Baddiel (David's brother) - and it was shit. This is a bit of a variation on that.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Genuinely, I think Pompous could be an author! Hilarious

He is, isn't he or maybe a journalist. I forget which (or maybe both).

 

[Washboard Didgets]

This looks like gold, it feels like gold, it is GOLD.

Ironically some of the laugh out loud moments have been the WHOOSH moments and responses.

"We're going to need a bigger boat"
The line about not leaving his game of Asteroids
And dig54's attempts to gloss over things mid-thread were my three personal highlights.

Well done London Pompous (and FatAddick).

 

[Southwick_Seagull]

Gold. For sure.

 

[Deleted member 18477]

You're not for real are you?

Have you ever heard of satire?

THis is good stuff, had me genuinely laughing out loud.

I'm as real as father christmas was when you were 4 years old...

 

[queens park pete]

I can't help but read some of these posts in a Simon Day voice....

And here's the scores on the doors. How did your so-called hooligan top lad do. Is he a man or a mouse. Or a mug. Or a macaroni? Who is the Weakest Link goodbye.

1. How many times did Blackburn get run at Ewood Park in the 83-84 season?

CORRECT Clever lad. Yes, it's a famous trick question. Even most of the bigboys from back in the day wrongly say four when asked, largely as their memories are so shot to shit from too many Bertie Bassetts in their retirement that they can't remember where they left their cockrings (one of the main weapons in the day, as well you know) let alone anything else. Well done.

2. What did Bam Bam from the Hullbellies end up getting sent down for?

CORRECT/WRONG He got a suspended sentence for that. He went to nick for claiming his knuckledusters as a fully reclaimable business expense on his 80-81 tax return. Every twat knows knuckledusters are a capital purchase, and their cost has to be claimed over three tax years (five if brass). The cheeky sod.

3. How did Freddie Foureyes of Oxford's Biscuitshitter Crew lose one of his (actual) eyes?

WRONG You just made that up as you hadn't a clue. As if one of the Biscuitshitter Crew would attend a game, they only followed football for the toe to toe action, they were all lacrosse fans when it came to sport. The real story, should you care to be educated: Everyone knows Freddie was a solo operative, always off doing his own extreme thing away from the rest of his firm. One time when Port Vale were coming to town, he not only found out which train the Dodgy Boiler Unit bigboys were on, but also which carriage. So he camped up at Heyford station (which the train was due to pass through without stopping) ready to headbutt the DBU's carriage as the train went past. DBU were well ahead of the game - that's the problem of being a solo operative - and had a spotter on the platforms of all of the stations their train was due to go through (except Berkswell, 'cause everyone refused to do it in case people started nicknaming them 'the berk' afterwards). The spotter at Heyford recognised Freddie, and got a message (via carrier pigeon) to the boys on the train. By lucky coincidence (lucky for the DBU, less lucky for Freddie!) the Oxford University Javelin Team were on the same train. DBU half-inched their gear and shoved javelins out of all the windows just as they went through Heyford. That was the day Freddie Foureyes became Freddie Threeeyes (or Freddie Twoeyes if he ever wore a monocle, which to my knowledge he never did).

4. What's a 'Grimsby smile'?

CORRECT/WRONG That's the civilian definition, which everyone on here will know. The ITK term is quite different and is one of the four 'smiles'. The Chelsea Smile, where you shove a credit card in some mug's gob, even the most naive scarfer/civilian on here will have heard of. The Peterborough Smile is where you gag them with a load of 50p's on a bit of gaffer tape. The Portsmouth Smile is the same thing, but with 10p's. The Grimsby Smile is what you did when you were skint, or had forgotten to bring your wallet out with you. It was when you took off one of your socks, did a shit in it, and stuck it in your opponent's mouth. I'm sure you did it - we all did - but I guess you didn't know what it was called. Schoolboy mistake. I'm disappointed, frankly.

5. What sort of people were banned from joining Walsall's 8.53 To New Street Firm?

WRONG This was before the Beano Bandits was even formed (they were an off-shoot of the Badger Baiters, not the 8.53 To New Street Firm, anyway, as I'm sure you know). The actual answer: Milkmen. The 8.53 To New Street Firm's general, Bigboned Phil, banned them from joining after he found out his wife had been shagging one while he was away on missions. Postmen, Eggmen, Paper Boys, Jehovah's Witnesses and the Duke of Westminster were also added to the ban list over the course of that season.


CORRECT

You ain't done as badly as I thought you would, so I'll take you at face value for the moment. But I'll be watching in case you start sucking up other lads' doings. Take credit where it's due, take liberties wherever you can. Live long and f*** shit up, brother.