[Sussex] Overly Jovial Train Announcements

[Guinness Boy]

Has anyone else noticed the tendency for train announcements to drive you insane since good old Harry Clipper was replaced by “on board supervisors”?

Female one this morning started her arrival at Victoria speech today “wakey wakey, rise and shine” AT 7 BASTARDING AM while the bloke on tonight’s Gatwick Express implored us to “come to the front of the train because that’s where the party’s at man” (he meant there were some free seats). How long before one of them gets their PA shoved up their ‘arris? And what’s the reason? Are they all out of work actors or have they been collectively trained by Alan Partridge? It’s really starting to get on my Earthas.


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[seagulls4ever]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9A4Xy3OWozA

 

[knocky1]

Friend is a train driver. 8 years ago new at the job he was shocked to hear the Guard announce
"We are approaching Eastbourne. Time for you fat b******s to throw your Burger boxes on the floor and get off my ******* train"

Mate didn't know train was empty.

 

[Guinness Boy]

Friend is a train driver. 8 years ago new at the job he was shocked to hear the Guard announce
"We are approaching Eastbourne. Time for you fat b******s to throw your Burger boxes on the floor and get off my ******* train"

Mate didn't know train was empty.

I’d actually applaud that. Like the stewardess on Air New Zealand who told a mate’s flight “welcome to Wellington, please set your watch back 20 years”


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[Beach Hut]

Ever heard that inane drivel from one of the platform announcers at Victoria tube station, complete tosh

 

[5ways]

A conductor on a 745 train to London Waterloo had a spiel that went something like "this is your captain of the USS SW Trains, I wish you a pleasant onward journey as you depart this deep space nine, thrusters are disengaged and tractor-beam is activated. Live long and prosper" or something to that affect with a few more Star Trek references thrown in. It was quite prepared but it is hard to be enthusastic at that time in the morning. Pretty sure he has a fantasy one too "those adventurers about to depart the shire on an epic quest there are no reported balrogs in the area..." yada yada yada

 

[Guinness Boy]

Ever heard that inane drivel from one of the platform announcers at Victoria tube station, complete tosh

Yep that’s another one. There’s a bloke who just keeps banging on about snapchat and whatsapp. I quite like the Rasta geezer though. Meanwhile, back on my train, some c***’s BUSKING. Badly.


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[CP 0 3 BHA]

Even worse, a few weeks ago we finally got on a substantially delayed evening Easyjet flight back from Jersey only to find that the Cabin Manager was an aspiring Stand Up comedian. We weren't the most receptive of audiences.

 

[Wrong-Direction]

I've always found them amusing, too many miserable ******** .

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[knocky1]

I’d actually applaud that. Like the stewardess on Air New Zealand who told a mate’s flight “welcome to Wellington, please set your watch back 20 years”


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You can't beat the antipodean non PC humour. After 9/11 passengers were banned from waiting outside the inflight toilets for, horse has already bolted, security reasons. Our Qantas Stewardess announced
"All passengers must be aware that they are not to congregate outside the toilets and that includes you too Sean" pointing at fellow gay Steward Sean who was deliberately mincing around outside the toilets.

 

[Bob'n'weave]

Rasta Man is great. Always puts a smile on my dial.

 

[studio150]

Has anyone else noticed the tendency for train announcements to drive you insane since good old Harry Clipper was replaced by “on board supervisors”?

Female one this morning started her arrival at Victoria speech today “wakey wakey, rise and shine” AT 7 BASTARDING AM while the bloke on tonight’s Gatwick Express implored us to “come to the front of the train because that’s where the party’s at man” (he meant there were some free seats). How long before one of them gets their PA shoved up their ‘arris? And what’s the reason? Are they all out of work actors or have they been collectively trained by Alan Partridge? It’s really starting to get on my Earthas.


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Personally I think anyone that drones on and on like this should be sacked. Their priority is to provide information to passengers on which stations are approaching and which part of the train to be in, if it divides or the route has short platforms. Also to keep passengers updated on delays.

However I suspect there has been a management directive to be all happy clappy as they have received a few tweets from idiots saying how pleased they were with these idiotic announcements and they can retweet these thereby hiding how poor the service still is.

It must be about time that when these announcements are made passengers are entitled to a refund on their ticket cost due to having to suffer this tripe.

Not a fan

 

[Luke93]

Had a bizarre train announcement on my way to Chichester last year. As we were approaching Ford station the female train steward gave an announcement highlighting we were passing Arundal castle and produced a few facts I’ve since forgotten. Too much information for 8AM.

 

[Eeyore]

I remember once being held up for two hours in mid- Sussex due to a death on the line.

When we got back to town the announcement came over the speakers:

" We are sorry for the delay to the 1732 from London Bridge- this was due to a severe fatality at Balcombe..."

 

[pasty]

Had one recently who thought it hilarious on a rammed commuter train going up to London in the pissing rain to give us "We are now approaching Gatwick Airport. Change here for the Caribbean and Florida"

 

[Badger]

There was one particular guard who was quite often on the 7.32 to London Bridge. As soon as I heard his first announcement, I knew I wasn't going to be having much of a nap. He'd insist and making multiple announcements as we approached a station and then list out the stations as we pulled away. This was on top of the automated announcement which give us exactly the same information. He was also obsessed with telling us exactly which carriages the toilets were located in. It was a Gatwick Express train, there were located at the end of pretty much every carriage. Then we'd approach London Bridge and he'd give as a detailed rundown of the state of the tube lines and any connecting train services. He once give us some vital information about a train delay in Carlisle

 

[Gwylan]

There was one particular guard who was quite often on the 7.32 to London Bridge. As soon as I heard his first announcement, I knew I wasn't going to be having much of a nap.

When I have an early appointment in London, I go up by coach now. Not only is it cheaper but the driver doesn't make any inane announcements at ear-splitting volume nor do you get woken from your slumbers by some jobsworth demanding to see your ticket. The coach is great: I put my headphones on to listen to some Bach, close my eyes and I'm in the arms of Morpheus, generally until I reach Mitcham or Streatham

 

[The Large One]

Has anyone else noticed the tendency for train announcements to drive you insane since good old Harry Clipper was replaced by “on board supervisors”?

Female one this morning started her arrival at Victoria speech today “wakey wakey, rise and shine” AT 7 BASTARDING AM while the bloke on tonight’s Gatwick Express implored us to “come to the front of the train because that’s where the party’s at man” (he meant there were some free seats). How long before one of them gets their PA shoved up their ‘arris? And what’s the reason? Are they all out of work actors or have they been collectively trained by Alan Partridge? It’s really starting to get on my Earthas.

You miserable sodding misery.

 

[Washie]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9A4Xy3OWozA

I hate you for introducing this to me.

 

[Madafwo]

There was one particular guard who was quite often on the 7.32 to London Bridge. As soon as I heard his first announcement, I knew I wasn't going to be having much of a nap. He'd insist and making multiple announcements as we approached a station and then list out the stations as we pulled away. This was on top of the automated announcement which give us exactly the same information. He was also obsessed with telling us exactly which carriages the toilets were located in. It was a Gatwick Express train, there were located at the end of pretty much every carriage. Then we'd approach London Bridge and he'd give as a detailed rundown of the state of the tube lines and any connecting train services. He once give us some vital information about a train delay in Carlisle

I'm pretty sure I know who this is, he is a very good friend of mine.

My announcements were to the point but always said to stop me while I was walking through the train if you have any further questions as not everyone wants to know about delays up North.

There is also a massive disparity between how management receive them. One of my colleagues remarked that people should mind the gap between the timetable and reality and got dragged over hot coals because someone complained, a driver made the same announcement and someone liked it and tweeted about it and he was the best driver ever according the company.