One liners

[Racek]

Hi,

I present some forex news on my companies website. At the end of the news I have to say a quote of the day.

We are now thinking of changing it to a joke of the day but need some ideas!

Any helpful non offensive one liners would be very helpful. Also its an international company so the joke needs to be appreciated worldwide.

Thanks.

 

[Common as Mook]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?


Fo Drizzle!

 

[shaolinpunk]

I've got a sponge front door. Don't knock it.

 

[Lush]

Follow @themiltonjones on Twitter.

"H H can't wait for this ants rugby match"

and

"here is a picture of my wife doing her toenails, inside the 'doing the toenails' cupboard [&]"

 

[cornish seagull]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." ..."Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the Oxfam shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, . . . they've lost the plot!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow that," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?

 

[Racek]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." ..."Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the Oxfam shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, . . . they've lost the plot!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow that," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?

Thanks for that!

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow that," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

I too went to my local pet shop.

Me: "I'd like to buy a wasp plase".
Pet Shop Owner: "I'm sorry Sir, we don't sell wasps"
Me: "Well there's one in your window"

 

[Stat Man]

I'm no expert on masturbation, but I hold my own.

I'm no bigot, I married a minority. I'm married to an intelligent woman.

A friend of mine is a dyslexic chef, don't order the carp, it tastes like shit.

A colleague accused me of having OCD today. I soon put him in his place

Just dropped pie on insurance forms. Terms and conditions appley

I have decided to stop my internet dating site for chickens, it's too difficult trying to make hens meet.

I got a job at world health organisation yesterday. I was disappointed though as I thought I was auditiong for Dr. Who.

If I had a penny for every time someone said that I have OCD, I'd have 4,562 pence.

 

[Nibble]

Sure this isn't much help but just to let you know if I ever found myself working for a company that signed off it's info emails with a joke or a one liner I would rethink every choice I have ever made in my entire life and more than likely come to the decision to hang myself. I'm not sure how distraught I would be if I was the poor fucker who had to write them.

 

[Racek]

Sure this isn't much help but just to let you know if I ever found myself working for a company that signed off it's info emails with a joke or a one liner I would rethink every choice I have ever made in my entire life and more than likely come to the decision to hang myself. I'm not sure how distraught I would be if I was the poor fucker who had to write them.

Emails? The quotes thing works well and now they want a a line at the end that is funny. Is it all that bad? strange..............

 

[Heffle Gull]

I have just been diagnosed with C D O. It's like O C D, but everything is in the right order.

 

[Heffle Gull]

Just got back from a holiday of a life time. Won't be doing that again.

 

[Nibble]

Emails? The quotes thing works well and now they want a a line at the end that is funny. Is it all that bad? strange..............

Sorry if I offended, just cannot stand corporate "funny".

 

[Common as Mook]

Slept like a log last night.

Woke up in a fireplace.

 

[Nibble]

Why don't you just hire David Brent and be done with it?

 

[fire&skill]

Type 'Tim Vine', 'Milton Jones', 'Bob Monkhouse' or 'Tommy Cooper' into Google. You'll have a supply till the day you retire.

 

[Racek]

Why don't you just hire David Brent and be done with it?

Finish with 'simply the best'.

Can you hire David brent?

 

[jharris]

I used to date a girl who was half English, half French, she used to shave under one armpit !

did you hear the one about the crossed eyed circumsicionist ?, he got the sack !!!

 

[jharris]

I'm wearing an aftershave made of breadcrumbs........the birds love it !!

 

[Uncle C]

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. He said it was a whisk he was prepared to take.