MoD unveils surface-to-air cockneys
COCKNEYS will be launched from the top of a tower block if someone attacks the Olympics, it has been confirmed.
The Ministry of Defence said the rocket-propelled geezers will have a range of five miles and be told that any rogue planes entering Olympic airspace have insulted their lovely old mum.
A spokesman said: “We understand residents will be concerned about having a live cockney on the roof but the weapons will be controlled by a handler armed with tranquiliser-laced mashed potato.
“We will only unleash the cockneys as a last resort, unless of course we grow sick of them and just fire them directly into the ground.”
The MoD has been testing market stall traders on Dartmoor, where local people have reported a loud ‘CAAAHHHNNNT!’, whenever a cockney is launched from a catapult.
Early prototypes were unstable and often kicked off for no discernible reason, forcing engineers to try and hypnotise them with a live eel.
Bow resident Roy Hobbs said: “I bought this flat in the hope the area would become a gentrified haven of antique fairs and artisan bakeries, so I am peeved at the notion of a battery of tattooed cockneys on my roof.
“Surely it’s better that the Olympics are attacked and everyone dies?”
Difficult. We train people to react quickly in order to prevent incidents and they really do only have a split second to both analyse what is happening and react to it. Little wonder that with "harmless" incidents they are seen to over-react while if something more serious were to occur they would be heroes.
Of course it was over the top but it is one of those situations where you have to choose whether you want security at all or if you would rather just allow that what will be will be...................
Hindsight! Are you telling me of all the things that could happen they hadn't legislated for a kid maybe on a bike to cycle nearby? If they didn't then they are incompetent or worse still they had planned for this level of force! Its only a bloody torch, should a child be wrestled to the ground like that over a torch? It wasn't a member of Al qaeda cycling with a rocket launcher on shoulder saying "death to the infidels!"
Spot on.
Severnside gull sums it up perfectly. It may be over the top, but I'd rather be assured that security is tight rather than not. Imagine if it was a small man, or a kid with a bomb strapped around him. It sounds crazy, but it could happen so no chances are taken. Rather it be tight than not, plus the kid should have known a little better.
"Its only a bloody torch" ? Its the Olympic Torch, of course its going to be bloody well protected, they are hardly going to let anyone nick it are they !?!?!?!
No the kid shouldnt of been wrested to the ground, but they were too close - do you actually read anything thats posted ?
You keep bashing on about the child being to close what are you a robot, where does personal judgement come in to the situation? I dont care what the torch is made out of, or what it symbolises if its valued more important to wrestle innocent children to floor they can stick their symbol up their arse.
Ah thats it, your against the Olympics. That explains everything. Its obvious you dont get close to it, hence why there is a ring of police officers around it !!
The kid is hardly innocent, they were too close.
I like the way the official response is basically that he should "not have entered the security bubble" as if that's just a general every day term.
I might start creating my own bubbles: "Oi, mate, move your car you're in my parking bubble."
The kid was hardly innocent!!!!!!
So what are you saying he was guilty of?
Funny how this guy tried his best to actually throw him under one, lol
Getting to close to the torch, isnt it obvious ? Looks as if they were going to go straight through the "bubble" (could they have called it something more scary ?). Not as if the Police knew what they were going to do.
Yes, the police officer deliberately tried to throw them under a car
Yes but he was supposed to be protecting from the moving vehicles
Getting to close to the torch, isnt it obvious ? Looks as if they were going to go straight through the "bubble" (could they have called it something more scary ?). Not as if the Police knew what they were going to do.
The idiot grabbed hold of the kid and dragged him in front of the car - why? He only had to usher him to the pavement on his side! The prat then fell over skinned his knees causing the car to do an emergency stop and almost crush the kids bike. Over reaction by a self important jobsworth in my opinion.
The kid is hardly innocent, they were too close.
You are not from this planet. What on earth are you on about? The officer could've figured out after about 1.3 seconds that it was just a kid that ACCIDENTALLY strayed too close. Bloke's an utter tosser.