[Help] More anxiety as i get older

[maltaseagull]

Today i started a new role which is a role i have strived for over the last 15 years, however i have zero excitement or drive to do it. I am feeling constantly anxious and chatting to people on cam is a real effort.I have to remind myself to smile and nod, and not to look so dead eyes and bored.

I have noticed that as i get older i really do not want to meet new people. I have a few friends that i have made over the years and am happy with that. I have also become very anxious about new environments and new people. I just want to stop working and live in the Sussex countryside away from people (just having friends stay over). Am i just turning into a Victor Meldrew or are others experiencing this as they age?

I feel comfortable posting these thoughts as NSC has been in my life for 20 years so feels comfortable to me.

I have felt like that for years ! I just thought I was an antisocial bar steward as it never really bothered me.

Have stopped working now and did do some volunteer driving for the Hospice pre covid.

My only real anxiety is seeing that people my age or even younger have died.
I don't want to go yet!

 

[SK1NT]

Overwhelmed by some of the replies, so thanks everyone.

How old are you?
Are you financially secure, could you give up your current job and do something you really want to do?

I'm 41 and not finacially secure. We really need to move to a house so that makes me even more anxious knowing i will get lumped with a massive mortgage meaning i will have to do a job that i don't particularly enjoy. My partner is a part time teacher so i have the added pressure of being the main earner. I work in IT so it's very dull and stressful. I constantly feel i am not good enough and realistically am not but i don't know anything else. I would love to stop working and just spend my time with the kids. I hate work but again realise i am lucky that i get paid fairly ok for just sitting at a desk at home.

That doesn’t sound like anxiety, more like depression. Have you talked to a professional about the way you are feeling?

I have wondered if it is that but i will fine when i am at home or going for a walk in the countryside. I hate to brand myself as depressed as i know a lot of people seriously suffer from it and i don't feel quite like that yet.

 

[lost in london]

Really interesting thread - I've felt anxiety levels going through the roof the last 3-6 months. Wanting to jack work in and go and hide; spending more time on my phone doom-scrolling just to avoid having to deal with a huge to do list. I am hoping that getting back into the office will reinvigorate me. 16 months of working from home hasn't been bad on a day to day basis, but I think it has had a cumulative effect on me that's takes me by surprise sometimes.

 

[SK1NT]

Wanting to jack work in and go and hide

This. Except i really don't want to go into the office and meet my new colleagues. I have said that if they want me to go into the office i will probably just look for a new job.

I am typing all this inbetween being bamboozled by the new jobs onboarding meetings

 

[Billy the Fish]

Great thread.

I feel like I've been on a knife edge for the last year or so. I was furloughed for the initial 9 months of covid and since I went back to work 6 months ago I've been feeling a lot of anxiety, I can only concentrate for a few minutes at a time and get really easily distracted, sometimes I catch myself just starting at the screen having forgotten what I was doing, it stresses my out that I'm now completely crap at my job and working far below my previous ability. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack and get short of breath and can feel my heart racing.

I don't get any of the social anxiety, I think I'm just desperate for a change of routine that lasts more than a couple of hours.

 

[The Clamp]

Overwhelmed by some of the replies, so thanks everyone.


I'm 41 and not finacially secure. We really need to move to a house so that makes me even more anxious knowing i will get lumped with a massive mortgage meaning i will have to do a job that i don't particularly enjoy. My partner is a part time teacher so i have the added pressure of being the main earner. I work in IT so it's very dull and stressful. I constantly feel i am not good enough and realistically am not but i don't know anything else. I would love to stop working and just spend my time with the kids. I hate work but again realise i am lucky that i get paid fairly ok for just sitting at a desk at home.



I have wondered if it is that but i will fine when i am at home or going for a walk in the countryside. I hate to brand myself as depressed as i know a lot of people seriously suffer from it and i don't feel quite like that yet.

Fair do’s. You know your mind better than anyone. Good luck in the new job and hope you find the balance anxiety doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with YOU, just might need to change things around you. It’s an ongoing, never ending process, I believe.
We’ll get as close as we can to contentment. Or at least an anxiety minimum life.

 

[Deleted member 22389]

You just got to try and keep going and look for the positives, it could be a lot worse. Covid certainly hasn't helped the situation over the last 18 months, but we are nearly over that.

 

[MattBackHome]

Overwhelmed by some of the replies, so thanks everyone.


I'm 41 and not finacially secure. We really need to move to a house so that makes me even more anxious knowing i will get lumped with a massive mortgage meaning i will have to do a job that i don't particularly enjoy. My partner is a part time teacher so i have the added pressure of being the main earner. I work in IT so it's very dull and stressful. I constantly feel i am not good enough and realistically am not but i don't know anything else. I would love to stop working and just spend my time with the kids. I hate work but again realise i am lucky that i get paid fairly ok for just sitting at a desk at home.



I have wondered if it is that but i will fine when i am at home or going for a walk in the countryside. I hate to brand myself as depressed as i know a lot of people seriously suffer from it and i don't feel quite like that yet.

Thanks for sharing. I don't have advice to add, but will say that if they've hired you for the job then you are self-evidently 'good enough'. Don't underestimate the cumulative effect of Covid - You and I are the same age, and though I feel inordinately lucky to have what MrsMBH & I have (both secure jobs, 2 healthy kids etc) it has been a slog which has taken its toll on me.

Also the fact that you're willing to open up on here suggests that there is something about 'new people' on NSC which doesn't cause you so much anxiety? Main thing I would say is to keep reaching out on here if you feel that it's a place you feel comfortable doing so. x

 

[SK1NT]

Thanks for sharing. I don't have advice to add, but will say that if they've hired you for the job then you are self-evidently 'good enough'. Don't underestimate the cumulative effect of Covid - You and I are the same age, and though I feel inordinately lucky to have what MrsMBH & I have (both secure jobs, 2 healthy kids etc) it has been a slog which has taken its toll on me.

Also the fact that you're willing to open up on here suggests that there is something about 'new people' on NSC which doesn't cause you so much anxiety? Main thing I would say is to keep reaching out on here if you feel that it's a place you feel comfortable doing so. x

Absolutely this... as long as friends and family are healthy (especially my little ones) i can deal with anything. x

 

[Seasidesage]

This. Except i really don't want to go into the office and meet my new colleagues. I have said that if they want me to go into the office i will probably just look for a new job.

I am typing all this inbetween being bamboozled by the new jobs onboarding meetings

I think a big thing is learning to only get anxious or stressed about things you can actually affect? Sounds obvious but in reality it can be difficult to separate that you can improve on right now from that you cannot. Learn to drop the stuff that is beyond your control, it won't make it any better but neither will you worrying about it...

 

[Normal Rob]

I had similar to you for years. Hated gatherings, hated having visitors to the house or even visiting other people.
.

If this has changed...

Plus the BBQs are a whole lot better and the beer cheaper

and this hasn't, can I come and stay?

 

[Pavilionaire]

I can relate to much of what is being said on this thread. My thoughts:

1. I have improved my house and garden so feel more inclined to enjoy that.
2. Going out still seems a bit of a faff re masks, social distancing.
3. People's attitude to Covid - and the breaking of Covid guidance throughout the pandemic - has annoyed me.
4. I'm still pissed off with the country voting for Boris and Brexit.

 

[Weststander]

Overwhelmed by some of the replies, so thanks everyone.


I'm 41 and not finacially secure. We really need to move to a house so that makes me even more anxious knowing i will get lumped with a massive mortgage meaning i will have to do a job that i don't particularly enjoy. My partner is a part time teacher so i have the added pressure of being the main earner. I work in IT so it's very dull and stressful. I constantly feel i am not good enough and realistically am not but i don't know anything else. I would love to stop working and just spend my time with the kids. I hate work but again realise i am lucky that i get paid fairly ok for just sitting at a desk at home.



I have wondered if it is that but i will fine when i am at home or going for a walk in the countryside. I hate to brand myself as depressed as i know a lot of people seriously suffer from it and i don't feel quite like that yet.

Mind state that 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem of some kind each year in England. So over lifetimes, the proportion would be much higher than that. Many of your neighbours, colleague and associates would be suffering with depression and/or anxiety today, but keep it private. You're most certainly not alone.

Similarly most working age folk have a large mortgage, other debts and low/zero savings. Again, don't beat yourself up, life/family is pricey!

Whilst you're feeling like this, my advice would firmly be not to move house and take on a bigger mortgage. Those two events alone could tip you over the edge. Property prices won't probably be escalting over the next year or two.

Put all that on the backburner, get well with the first step being help from your GP and with your wife work out an achievable medium term plan for all of you. Be open minded as to where you could live, for example.

 

[Eric Youngs Contact Lens]

OP should be congratulated.. the responses show just how "typical" these kind of feelings are. Certainly different nuances and stages, but anxiety/lethargy/depression are part of lots of men's lives at "our age" in fact at all ages.

I think at my age, I'm 52, there are a number of factors that hit at once.. for me they culminate in the "is this it?" conversation. Work, health, fitness, sex-life, friendships etc.etc. And that can be hard to contemplate. I have been very lucky in so many different ways - earn a good living, have a fantastic family (2 sons, younger one in final year at Uni in Sept) happily married for 25 years, good health. Absolutely nothing on paper to moan about. But I too have had nagging doubts about work - can I do this until Retirement. Moving house - I want to but I can't afford to move to where i want. I find I am far more critical of others (privately) and socialise much less than I used to. I crave more time on my own now(linked to moving house) - genuine "me-time" that is not driven by not liking who I spend time with, but I just want to selfishly have time to think and contemplate.. this is typified by the footy recently. Would almost rather watch on my own than with others.
Talking about it helps, recognising it certailny does help. I saw a GP a year or so ago. In his mind, if you stop wanting to do things that you loved, then its worth considering that we have depression and should look to treat it properly. I am not yet there, in my own mind anyway, but its OK to acknowledge that its been close at times and there is something you can do about it.
.
BTW - the "family rely on me " thing. I recognise that, especially when the kids were young. Even to the point that "It's alright for you Mrs EYCL, you've given up your proper job and can now do something you love/are interested in because your money is not decisive". I had to eventually re-frame that, and used that as the motivation to keep going - people need me, are counting on me. Do I want to make their lives harder just to make mine a little easier? Would I swap positions? Maybe for a day or two but not really. It worked for me, but as the boys are now less reliant (or will be!) then that will change, and maybe I can change or take a different option too . Its an important converstaion, thanks for raising it and keep talking about it.. we all need it!!

 

[Notters]

This is me... if it wasnt for my 4 year old and 1 year old i'd love to just live remotely somewhere.

I am sad to see others feeling the same things as me, however i feel a little less weird now I was expecting the whole woke, snowflake replies.

Definitely nothing weird in what you're saying! Sounds like you're in a very similar situation to me (mine are 5 and 1) and have been having similar challenges myself.
Whilst it's great to spend more time with them, they don't lend themselves to sleep and I think lack of sleep is one of the biggest contributors to anxiety.

For short term relief vigorous exercise has been the best thing for me (cycling/running).
Longer term, I think a change in the way of thinking is needed, but this is easier said than done!

As said above, CBT can help managing things but I think there is also the potential for it to make you repress things which can cause other problems (chronic pain, IBS etc.) It can also medicalise things to a certain extent.

Have been reading 'Dare' - free on Kindle Unlimited - which first of all explains how anxiety is a normal reaction to modern life - which is pretty helpful.

Do PM me if you want to share anything!

 

[DIFFBROOK]

I suffer from Anxiety. Not all the time, it comes and goes. Its always there, lurking in the depths of my mind - just waiting for the opportunity. Unfortunately, Anxiety is a curse in my family. We all have it to degrees.

For me, its my imagination. I can imagine the most incredible things, almost be in a situation itself, be it in a conversation with someone, a place or a moment in life. But, the flip side of that is that my imagination turns dark. It spins out my concerns. Most people might worry about something for a short while, but then put it into perspective. i dont. I spin it, make it far worse that it really is. I dwell on things, going over and over, wishing I could go back in time to change it.

Anxiety is an awful thing. Those that suffer with it will never get rid of the feeling of being anxious. But, with the right people and treatment, the condition can be lived with and it controlled - rather than anxiety controlling you.

 

[Kosh]

Yep, I wish I could just get in the car and drive to the ends of the earth - which I would but for my wife and kids. Modern life is shit.

The other day I was driving home and I thought about just driving off and walking away into the wilderness. That said I enjoyed my tea and bath. But it doesn’t change how utterly empty (work) in particular has become. Corporate cock sucking and bowing to the ****ing MAN just isn’t my bag… yeah, I wanted a revolution and I’ve wound up in an institution. The young me would look at me and think what a pathetic loser - yeah, he’d never be that indoctrinated into ‘the work’/mortgage trap and all that utter bollocks.

Work is shit, Covid is shit, everything is absolutely shit.

But heck, England might win the Euros - oh unbridled joy heaped upon orgasmic climaxatude.

Yep, I’m off to live in a cave - who knows I might find the FA cup money somewhere near the back.

 

[The Clamp]

Covid
Brexit
Boris Johnson
Looming Climate disaster
Cost of housing
Cost of living
Cost of further education
Unemployment
Food bank usage
Wealth disparity
Right wing politics
Frozen wages…
Frankly, I’m more concerned for the mental well-being of anyone walking around without anxiety

What’s the saying?
If you’re not confused then you don’t know what’s going on.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Today i started a new role which is a role i have strived for over the last 15 years, however i have zero excitement or drive to do it. I am feeling constantly anxious and chatting to people on cam is a real effort.I have to remind myself to smile and nod, and not to look so dead eyes and bored.

I have noticed that as i get older i really do not want to meet new people. I have a few friends that i have made over the years and am happy with that. I have also become very anxious about new environments and new people. I just want to stop working and live in the Sussex countryside away from people (just having friends stay over). Am i just turning into a Victor Meldrew or are others experiencing this as they age?

I feel comfortable posting these thoughts as NSC has been in my life for 20 years so feels comfortable to me.

Thanks for sharing. Some interesting replies. I will add my tuppence.

I too am going through the motions at work (which I'm still doing from home) when I'm not losing the plot with dimbot colleagues, and I always prefer to be by myself. I have a Teams meeting later this afternoon where a collegue on my union is trying to post a motion to press my employer to disinvest from and boycoot Israel (the prat) and am likely to become rather rude....because I don't instinctively know how to deal with unexpected ****wittery, and it stresses me out (This is why I put so many NSC users on ignore).....

But....on prompting from Mrs T have recently discovered that I am probably on the Aspergers/Autism spectrum. I took a couple of online tests and despite subconsciously answering some questions mendaciously to make myself appear more sociable, I was off the scale. When I redid the tests more honestly it was worse. This has come a bit of a shock to me, but it explains a great deal. In some respects it is good to know, but my characteristics are hard if not impossible to fix, and I'm now torn whether to declare it to colleagues or not. Here is the thing. If someone sends me a shocking poor set of minutes to check, or rewrites my exam paper using an unofficial new college format made up last week in the academic centre, introducing errors, I get very cross and point out the problems. I have learned to be much less rude than I used to be, but, **** me, I am cross because I'm dealing with needlessly shit work, people changing forms for no good reason etc. Not because I'm on the spectrum. The best I can do is park things till I'm 'out of touch with anger' (a small prize for naming the artist whose lyric I stole, here). I'm better at parking, now, but I confess getting a buzz from being angry and rude. Who knew?

However....so, the best thing is to find out what's going on in your head, then see if you can mitigate against it. I have an elaborate and dense yet particular architecture to my life, from how I interact with friends and family, and use my interests in music and humour and current affairs and football and gardening and cycling and on and on to keep myself happy and generally useful. Somehow I have blagged my way through a nice career, and I still have pals I occasionally see who I've known for 50 years (FFS). So life is generally good, now. But I have trashed numerous relationships in the process. It's rather sobering to realise this is probably all my fault

So there are ways and means. Quite a lot of people, especially those who are socially (and sometimes politically) conservative find me a bit weird, even mad, but I can live with that. One thing I wish I could do is avoid mistakes when I need to read people. I cannot read between lines. I see only the lines. The way my mind works is that when people use ambiguous language with no context (i.e., not as part of some longstanding joke or something that has shared reference points) I'm lost. I am also too 'in your face' some times (appearing to like too much the sound of my own voice). In my head I'm thinking that if I don't say it all quickly I'll forget what it was I wanted to say. So you can always spot me in a reception, at a party, or other social gathering (even chatting at half time in West Upper); I'm the only one who isn't having a conversation because everyone else has mentally backed off. I don't really mind, because smalltalk is really boring, but even so

In the last 10 years I have started to learn how to listen to people. I get on effortlessly well with fellow gabblers, especially lateral thinkers and certain types (hard to explain what I mean here), but it's nice to be getting along better now with lots of people who were pretty much strangers to me previously, without any shared psychological space, if that can be invoked as a thing.

Sorry, that was all 'me me me' wasn't it. Best of luck. Do something, though, if you're feeling dysfunctional.

 

[Clive Walker]

I fear Im only at the early stages of this. End of May/June I found myself pacing up and down the living room and with very little desire to get out of bed. If I wasn't pacing I was only happy to sit in my regular spot and had no appetite to do anything beyond this. I continued to work, but stopped exercising which is something I have done everyday for 4 years. My appetite for food disappeared. We then decided that an opportunity to move house was too good to turn down. The anxiety levels I felt each time I woke up was almost to the point were I felt like being sick, this forced me to make a call to the GP who prescribed me Propranolol which worked brilliantly but left me feeling very low after. I haven'y considered doing anything to myself but have a new found understanding of why some well known figures would take their life if they had felt as bad for a greater length of time. I felt worthless at times and looked at my kids and thought that they deserved better. Its still bad today and have just been given my second prescription and self referred to Health in Mind for CBT in order to have a longer term plan.

I have been working from home for 18 months and think that these feelings have always been there but have been accelerated by Covid and a house move which would always have been stressful. Im a thinker and a worrier at heart but the feelings I have had over the last few weeks were the worst I have ever felt, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I never discounted mental health but I have a real awakening to it now.

Im 38 years old.