[Help] mental health - advice if possible please

[Durlston]

Hope your (sic) feeling better now mate?

 

[mejonaNO12 aka riskit]

Complete sympathy here. I had avoided going to the barbers since lockdown because the idea of someone being that close to me one-on-one was filling me with dread for triggering my anxiety. Once that starts I go RED HOT inside and visually, panic about that and then that gets worse and round and round we go.

I'd had a really positive weekend, done 3 things I couldn't have done a year ago and getting better day by day. Still nervous but if I have certain things in place I can keep calm. All my friends know so I don't feel I need to hide things.

Then yesterday I went to the barbers, actually pretty chilled out about it all. The moment I walked in the guy said "it's been 2 months since I've seen you. You had the anxiety didn't you. I assumed you might not come back'. I wish I'd never told him.

Not a good start but I just about pushed that aside and kept the heart rate regular.

Then about 10 mins in he put on this spotlight on me and it just triggered me. I had a window on my left, spotlight on my right and I felt like I was being overloaded with light.
"Can I have a glass of water please?' I asked, starting to shake.
'Oh. OK. Why?'

The panic is now starting
"because I'm getting warm"

Rather than just leaving it, he kept going
"That's weird. it's not hot in here. I have the air con on. I'm cold. Are you hot then? is it your anxiety? Oh I can see you're getting really warm. I think it's the anxiety. Are you on medication? Sometimes that makes people hot"

I wanted to just tell him to shut up, stand up and walk out but I sat there, knowing I was scarlet and let him finish. Took 4 hours to calm down heat-wise, colour and with my heart rate.

Like the previous poster, I am having way less panic attacks/triggers, but I just can't control a big one like that when it starts. There's no way back. That alone brings anxiety about other normal situations as I always have in my mind "What if that happens again". I don't do therapy anymore but that's made me think I need to or at least do something for coping.

Sorry. Completely ranted there but I was SO disappointed in myself yesterday. It's the first time in over a year where the very worst thoughts even dared jump into my head, only for all of 3 seconds and never serious but they used to be daily. Genuinely gutted after having done so well recently. My wife was great and listening to the above said "the guy clearly doesn't get it. Find someone else" which I understand but I've desperately tried to stop 'avoiding' things to try and get myself back to some sense of normality.

Silly thing is I then went off to play football last night (signing up 18 months ago was the best thing I ever did), had a great time and basically brushed aside the day but you can't help but beat yourself up when something you never had an issue with is now this big thing.

 

[Badger Boy]

Thank you for sharing @mejonaNO12 aka riskit - I wouldn't be disappointed in yourself though. It sounds like you were put into a difficult position by the barber, not intentionally from the sounds of it but it sounds a tough situation. You got through it, it didn't stop you and you didn't leave with half a haircut so that's also a win! I agree with your wife, he sounds like someone who isn't helpful so I would find somewhere else. I wouldn't say that would be avoidance of any kind, but even if it is then I think it makes sense to avoid putting yourself in uncomfortable positions which you don't need to be in.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Complete sympathy here. I had avoided going to the barbers since lockdown because the idea of someone being that close to me one-on-one was filling me with dread for triggering my anxiety. Once that starts I go RED HOT, panic about that and then that gets worse and round and round we go.

I'd had a really positive weekend, done 3 things I couldn't have done a year ago and getting better day by day. Still nervous but if I have certain things in place I can keep calm.

Then yesterday I went to the barbers, actually pretty chilled out about it all. The moment I walked in the guy said "it's been 2 months since I've seen you. You had the anxiety didn't you'. I wish I'd never told him.

Not a good start but I just about pushed that aside and kept the heart rate regular.

Then about 10 mins in he put on this spotlight on me and it just triggered me. I had a window on my left, spotlight on my right and I felt like I was being overloaded with light.
"Can I have a glass of water please?' I asked, starting to shake.
'Oh. OK. Why?'

The panic is now starting
"because i'm getting warm"

Rather than just leaving it, he kept going
"That's weird. it's not hot in here. I have the air con on. I'm cold. Are you hot then? is it your anxiety? Oh I can see you're getting really warm. I think it's the anxiety. Are you on medication? Sometimes that makes people hot"

I wanted to just tell him to shut up, stand up and walk out but I sat there, knowing I was scarlet and let him finish. Took 4 hours to calm down heat-wise, colour and with my heart rate.

Like the previous poster, I am having way less panic attacks/triggers, but I just can't control a big one like that when it starts. There's no way back. That alone brings anxiety about other normal situations as I always have in my mind "What if that happens again". I don't do therapy anymore but that's made me think I need to or at least do something for coping.

Sorry. Completely rant but I was SO disappointed in myself yesterday. Genuinely gutted after having done so well recently. My wife was great and listening to the above said "the guy clearly doesn't get it. Find someone else" which I understand but I've desperately tried to stop 'avoiding' things to try and get myself back to some sense of normality.

That's very interesting. Your physiological reaction is reflective, in part, of a 'storm' in the sympathetic nervous system (that normally triggers the fight, flight, fight reaction). Heart rate goes up, sweating, red face - and because that in itself is unsettling it can trigger more of the same.

Have you spoken to your GP and discussed using beta blockers?

Propranolol: medicine for heart problems, anxiety and migraine

NHS medicines information on propranolol – what it's used for, side effects, dosage and who can take it.

www.nhs.uk

 

[timbha]

Complete sympathy here. I had avoided going to the barbers since lockdown because the idea of someone being that close to me one-on-one was filling me with dread for triggering my anxiety. Once that starts I go RED HOT inside and visually, panic about that and then that gets worse and round and round we go.

I'd had a really positive weekend, done 3 things I couldn't have done a year ago and getting better day by day. Still nervous but if I have certain things in place I can keep calm. All my friends know so I don't feel I need to hide things.

Then yesterday I went to the barbers, actually pretty chilled out about it all. The moment I walked in the guy said "it's been 2 months since I've seen you. You had the anxiety didn't you. I assumed you might not come back'. I wish I'd never told him.

Not a good start but I just about pushed that aside and kept the heart rate regular.

Then about 10 mins in he put on this spotlight on me and it just triggered me. I had a window on my left, spotlight on my right and I felt like I was being overloaded with light.
"Can I have a glass of water please?' I asked, starting to shake.
'Oh. OK. Why?'

The panic is now starting
"because I'm getting warm"

Rather than just leaving it, he kept going
"That's weird. it's not hot in here. I have the air con on. I'm cold. Are you hot then? is it your anxiety? Oh I can see you're getting really warm. I think it's the anxiety. Are you on medication? Sometimes that makes people hot"

I wanted to just tell him to shut up, stand up and walk out but I sat there, knowing I was scarlet and let him finish. Took 4 hours to calm down heat-wise, colour and with my heart rate.

Like the previous poster, I am having way less panic attacks/triggers, but I just can't control a big one like that when it starts. There's no way back. That alone brings anxiety about other normal situations as I always have in my mind "What if that happens again". I don't do therapy anymore but that's made me think I need to or at least do something for coping.

Sorry. Completely ranted there but I was SO disappointed in myself yesterday. It's the first time in over a year where the very worst thoughts even dared jump into my head, only for all of 3 seconds and never serious but they used to be daily. Genuinely gutted after having done so well recently. My wife was great and listening to the above said "the guy clearly doesn't get it. Find someone else" which I understand but I've desperately tried to stop 'avoiding' things to try and get myself back to some sense of normality.

Silly thing is I then went off to play football last night (signing up 18 months ago was the best thing I ever did), had a great time and basically brushed aside the day but you can't help but beat yourself up when something you never had an issue with is now this big thing.

Well done for playing it again on here and don’t be too hard on your barber. Barbers aren’t trained to read people’s state of mind and I’m sure he was doing his best to help. We all know what barbers are like!

It seems that you are dealing with any issues in a positive way but like your barber, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve come a long way already and are doing well. A slight set back won’t do any harm at all, in fact it will apply the brakes a little and allow you time to reflect and be proud of what you are achieving. Your wife is also trying her best.

Football - what a great healer!

Thanks for sharing and well done.

 

[jcdenton08]

Suicide is never an option even when it’s the “right” thing to do. There’s always a better way. I absolutely won’t do it

 

[pearl]

Suicide is never an option even when it’s the “right” thing to do. There’s always a better way. I absolutely won’t do it

Are you OK JC?
Just wondered why you posted that.

 

[jcdenton08]

Are you OK JC?
Just wondered why you posted that.

A friend of mine recently took their life. I just can’t quite believe it. Yes, thank you I’m absolutely fine in myself, just a bit shaken - I think I worded it badly!

 

[raymondo]

A friend of mine recently took their life. I just can’t quite believe it. Yes, thank you I’m absolutely fine in myself, just a bit shaken - I think I worded it badly!

Sorry about your friend

 

[pb21]

A friend of mine recently took their life. I just can’t quite believe it. Yes, thank you I’m absolutely fine in myself, just a bit shaken - I think I worded it badly!

A n ex-colleague of mine, who I worked with for close to 10-years committed suicide last year. They had suffered with issues for a long time, although I never appreciated it was that serious. I was quite shaken when I found out, so can imagine you will be too, particularly as it was you friend, rather than colleague.

 

[pearl]

A friend of mine recently took their life. I just can’t quite believe it. Yes, thank you I’m absolutely fine in myself, just a bit shaken - I think I worded it badly!

I'm so sorry that your friend didn't see another way. You must be badly shocked, take care of yourself.

 

[Lenny Rider]

A friend of mine recently took their life. I just can’t quite believe it. Yes, thank you I’m absolutely fine in myself, just a bit shaken - I think I worded it badly!

JC sorry to hear this my friend.

In my experience of this over nearly 40 years it’s a process that almost defies any kind of adjective, a friend whose sibling did it described it like the most powerful stun grenade going off round the Christmas Dinner table, it didn’t kill anyone else but changed their all their lives negatively forever.

Hope you’re okay mate, and if you need to talk PM me, always here

 

[Zeberdi]

A friend of mine recently took their life. I just can’t quite believe it. Yes, thank you I’m absolutely fine in myself, just a bit shaken - I think I worded it badly!

sorry to hear this JC - when suicide touches us through friends, colleagues or family, it can have a very destabilising effect on us and be a trigger for a lot of complex emotions.

Feel good soon mate …

 

[jcdenton08]

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support funeral was this morning and it was tough, but it’s good knowing I have someone to talk to here. Really appreciate the kindness

 

[Insel affe]

I am going through a bit of a wobble.

The wife and daughter are going away for Easter for a holiday with her sister and father for a belated retirement treat for her dad, in a holiday of a lifetime. (I get sea sick so am not going on a catamaran for two weeks)

So I won't bother them, with this, as I do not want them to worry about me while they are away.

I am as I say trying to get my head around this and I am having a range of emotions.
I was feeling pretty low anyway.

Yesterday I found out my biological mother has been dead for for over three years….
She was given up and then adopted at a very young age, married my father and she left him and me at six months old. I went through the care system briefly after my gran got unwell and could no longer look after me anymore more, then when my dad re married I went to live with him and my new step mum, I have two lovely half brothers, and we have never ever argued, I love them dearly.
She started several other relationships and had three other children and moved around the country eventually settling in the furthest reaches of Scotland.
She never tried to find me, I found her when I was in my early twenties and arranged a meeting, it did not go well, I did not want to hear excuses or blame.
We never meet again, and I only met one half sister at that one meeting, but we kept in contact via letter once a year.

I am on facebook, but under a pseudonym and have no family members as friends, just friends.
My half brother from my mum popped up as friends you might know, I had a quick look to see what he is up to, friends led me to one of my half sisters, scroll down, missing mum on mothers day, scroll down, down until eventually I found a post about her death in 2021.
Just a bit shocked, not sure how to take it..
I am sorry we could not have had half decent relationship, as we both seem to have trod a similar solo path in life.
I am not sure if I should be angry that I was not told she was dying of cancer, or died, is that not the decent thing to do surly ?
The sister who posted the message is supposedly devoutly Christian…
Perhaps they resented me, or blamed me.
Did she ask to see me, did they lie.
Why not contact me?

Hmmm, this might take a while to process...

Yesterday I was all over the place, trying to digest it.

A golden light though was watching my daughter score for the Albion academy team last night a long range cracker.
I hugged her tight after the game, she will never know how much that little thing meant yesterday.

 

[Weststander]

Sorry to hear that. Your emotions are completely understandable.

By coincidence James O’Brien or Shelagh Fogarty took a couple of calls this week from folk with a similar story to yours. Their long hoped for reunions with parents who’d disappeared didn’t go well to stay the least. The ‘parents’ in each case were still nonchalant, innately selfish, unemphatic. And that was that, for good. Incredibly upsetting and a shock for their offspring.

I’ll find the link if you want, as words of wisdom were said over the radio, how they got past it emotionally, there might’ve been input from a mental health expert.

 

[pearl]

I am going through a bit of a wobble.

The wife and daughter are going away for Easter for a holiday with her sister and father for a belated retirement treat for her dad, in a holiday of a lifetime. (I get sea sick so am not going on a catamaran for two weeks)

So I won't bother them, with this, as I do not want them to worry about me while I am away.

I am as I say trying to get my head around this and I am having a range of emotions.
I was feeling pretty low anyway.

Yesterday I found out my biological mother has been dead for for over three years….
She was given up and then adopted at a very young age, married my father and she left him and me at six months old. I went through the care system briefly after my gran got unwell and could no longer look after me anymore more, then when my dad re married I went to live with him and my new step mum, I have two lovely half brothers, and we have never ever argued, I love them dearly.
She started several other relationships and had three other children and moved around the country eventually settling in the furthest reaches of Scotland.
She never tried to find me, I found her when I was in my early twenties and arranged a meeting, it did not go well, I did not want to hear excuses or blame.
We never meet again, and I only met one half sister at that one meeting, but we kept in contact via letter once a year.

I am on facebook, but under a pseudonym and have no family members as friends, just friends.
My half, from my mum popped up as friends you might know, I had a quick look to see what he is up to, friends lead me to one of my half sisters, scroll down, missing mum on mothers day, scroll down, down until eventually I found a post about her death in 2021.
Just a bit shocked, not sure how to take it..
I am sorry we could not have had half decent relationship, as we both seem to have trod a similar solo path in life.
I am not sure if I should be angry that I was not told she was dying of cancer, or died, is that not the decent thing to do surly ?
The sister who posted the message is supposedly devoutly Christian…
Perhaps they resented me, or blamed me.
Did she ask to see me, did they lie.
Why not contact me?

Hmmm, this might take a while to process...

Yesterday I was all over the place, trying to digest it.

A golden light though was watching my daughter score for the Albion academy team last night a long range cracker.
I hugged her tight after the game, she will never know how much that little thing meant yesterday.

I am so sorry to read your post. That is a horrible way to learn of your mother's death and at a time when you were feeling low anyway.
It is strange you were not told in one of the yearly letters.
Stories like this are what is so wrong about social media.
You need to allow yourself time to grieve and take good care of yourself.
You have every right to feel totally shit so allow yourself too.
Wishing you all the best to get through this.

 

[timbha]

I am going through a bit of a wobble.

The wife and daughter are going away for Easter for a holiday with her sister and father for a belated retirement treat for her dad, in a holiday of a lifetime. (I get sea sick so am not going on a catamaran for two weeks)

So I won't bother them, with this, as I do not want them to worry about me while I am away.

I am as I say trying to get my head around this and I am having a range of emotions.
I was feeling pretty low anyway.

Yesterday I found out my biological mother has been dead for for over three years….
She was given up and then adopted at a very young age, married my father and she left him and me at six months old. I went through the care system briefly after my gran got unwell and could no longer look after me anymore more, then when my dad re married I went to live with him and my new step mum, I have two lovely half brothers, and we have never ever argued, I love them dearly.
She started several other relationships and had three other children and moved around the country eventually settling in the furthest reaches of Scotland.
She never tried to find me, I found her when I was in my early twenties and arranged a meeting, it did not go well, I did not want to hear excuses or blame.
We never meet again, and I only met one half sister at that one meeting, but we kept in contact via letter once a year.

I am on facebook, but under a pseudonym and have no family members as friends, just friends.
My half, from my mum popped up as friends you might know, I had a quick look to see what he is up to, friends lead me to one of my half sisters, scroll down, missing mum on mothers day, scroll down, down until eventually I found a post about her death in 2021.
Just a bit shocked, not sure how to take it..
I am sorry we could not have had half decent relationship, as we both seem to have trod a similar solo path in life.
I am not sure if I should be angry that I was not told she was dying of cancer, or died, is that not the decent thing to do surly ?
The sister who posted the message is supposedly devoutly Christian…
Perhaps they resented me, or blamed me.
Did she ask to see me, did they lie.
Why not contact me?

Hmmm, this might take a while to process...

Yesterday I was all over the place, trying to digest it.

A golden light though was watching my daughter score for the Albion academy team last night a long range cracker.
I hugged her tight after the game, she will never know how much that little thing meant yesterday.

Focus on your last two paragraphs. The present, what’s great in your life. How proud you are of your daughter and how you love each other. And your wife.

You can’t undo what has happened so don’t dwell or regret. Bottom line is you have done nothing wrong.

Have a chat about it with a friend, or if you can’t, push it to one side and have a chat with your wife a few days after she returns.

Good luck mate