Lets have more fun/jokes

[Saladpack Seagull]

I went to see the doctor about my insomnia. He told me not to lose any sleep over it........

 

[Saladpack Seagull]

The traffic cop asked why I had a bucket of water on the passenger seat. I told him it was so I could dip my headlights.......

 

[Puppet Master]

Two fish walk into a bar. The barman says "Why the long faeces?"

 

[SouthCoastOwl]

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, I just can't put it down.

 

[Garage_Doors]

Like all interviews these days i was given an English test as was asked to give a sentence with the word fascinate in.

I told him, I got this donkey jacket and think its great, its got nine buttons but can only fasten eight !

 

[Guy Fawkes]

Three guys are captured by cannibals after their ship wrecked on a remote island. The cannibals say: "Take 10 of your favorite fruit and come back." The first man comes over with apples. The cannibals tell him to shove them up his butt, and if he makes no noise he lives. After the second apple he lets out a yelp, so he's eaten. The second man comes over with 10 blueberries. The cannibals tell him the same thing. On the ninth blueberry, the second man begins laughing uncontrollably. The cannibals eat him too. While he's at the gates of heaven, God asks: "Why did you begin laughing, you could have lived?" The man replies: "I saw the third guy coming with 10 pineapples!"

 

[Change at Barnham]

To all those who received a book from me at Christmas.........
They are due back at the library tomorrow.

 

[DarrenFreemansPerm]

This made me chuckle
[tweet]432818127488155648[/tweet]

 

[champion7]

LEEDS UNITED

 

[AmexRuislip]

So Steven Gerrard's birthday falls on the same day as the FA Cup final.
What a cracking send off it would be if someone could get him a ticket.

​

 

[Alonso Moseley]

"Jesus loves you" is the last thing you want to here in a Mexican prison.

 

[User removed 4]

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

Because it was under Anthony worrall-thompsons jacket !

 

[Soulman]

I see exit signs are on the way out.

 

[jay d]

A man sitting in a pub notices a horse in the corner, with a big jar of money next to it.
the man askes the barman whats that about, the bar man replies " its a game , you put a pound in the jar and if you can make the horse laugh you win the jar full of money".
The man sais ok il have a go.
so he walkes up to the horse , whispers something in his ear and the horse starts laughing.
the bar man in complete shock sais " no ones done that before" and the man walks out with his jar of money.

the next day the man goes back to the pub and asks the bar man for another go.
the bar man replies " well the rules have changed , you now have to make the horse cry.
so the man goes up to the horse , and the horse starts crying.

the bar man runs strait up to the man and said " you gotta tell me how youre doing this.
to which the man replied.

" well yesterday I said to the horse my dick was bigger than his , and today I showed him" .

 

[dazzer6666]

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: 'I reckon he's an accountant. '
James: ‘No way - he's a stockbroker. '
Chris: ‘He's no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldn't come in here. '
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Chris: ' 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.'
Suit: ‘No offence taken. I'm a logical scientist by profession. '
Chris: 'Yeah, so what's that then. '
Suit: 'I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?'
Chris: 'Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens. '
Suit: 'Well, it's logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?'
Chris: 'It's in a pond'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to suppose that you have a large garden then?'
Chris: 'As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?'
Chris: ‘As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself.'
Suit: 'well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you're probably married.'
Chris: 'Yes, I am married. I live with my wife and three children.'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis.'
Chris: 'Yep! Four nights a week. '
Suit: 'Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not 'knock one out' very often?'
Chris: ‘Me? Never!'
Suit: 'Well, there you are, that's logical science at work.'
Chris: 'How's that then?'
Suit: 'From finding out that you had a goldfish. I've told you about the size of the garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life. '
Chris: 'I, see. That's pretty impressive... thanks mate.'
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: 'I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?'
Chris: 'Yep! He's a logical scientist.'
James: 'What's that then?'
Chris: 'I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?'
James: 'Nope'
Chris: 'Well then, you're a wanker.'

 

[User removed 4]

My uncle was a useless ventriloquist..................he used to stick his fingers up my arse and tell me not to say anything !

 

[AmexRuislip]

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant