Joke Time as we wait for next big news

[GoldWithFalmer]

A* senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.


Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.


"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120 mph, then 140 then 160 mph.


Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.


Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.."



The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.



""Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.*

perfection

 

[Southern Toon]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: £1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £2.50
HAND JOB: £50.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger

 

[Giraffe]

Crystal palace football club

 

[driller]

Nintendo have released a new game for the paralympics.

WiiTards.

 

[Lush]

We're lucky in England, we can enjoy average food in depressing surroundings. But when will there be a Harvester for the world? @themiltonjones

*BTW I'm selling a great little car in the NSC Classifieds, if anyone's interested.

 

[BRIGHT ON Q]

Nintendo have released a new game for the paralympics.

WiiTards.

Ouch

 

[Danny-Boy]

A mysterious individual keeps adding soil to my allotment each day...The plot thickens.

I wish he'd visit mine though, it's like the Sahara crossed with the White Cliffs of Dover....

 

[Danny-Boy]

An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are talking about their new baby sons.

The Englishman says " Well as my son was born on April 23rd I naturally decided to christen hime "George".

The Scotsman says "Hots mon, ma son was boorn on Burns Night, so I christened him "Rabbie".

The Irishman says "Bejasus that's nothing, my son was born on Shrove Tuesday so I christened him "Pancake"...

 

[driller]

The wife said "How would you feel if I told you I'm going to do a slow, sexy strip for you?"

"Nothing would make me happier" I said.

Thick women didn't listen though, she still did it.

 

[Titanic]

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: £1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £2.50
HAND JOB: £50.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger

Ah! How nice to see an old friend

 

[seagullsoveroxon]

It all kicked off up our road last night police chasing some youths about and ambulances everywhere! Apparently the youths were playing with fireworks and batteries and two youths had eaten them to hide the evidence from the police! Police have CHARGED one and LET the other OFF !!!!

 

[rocker959]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers........
So I did...... She's 21 and her names Lucy !

Teacher says to little Johnny " where's Pakistan ?"
Johnny replies " out in the playground with Pakisteve.

 

[The Ringleader Returns!]

2 Tampax walking down the street-which 1 waves

Neither, they're both stuck-up c*nts.

We're lucky in England, we can enjoy average food in depressing surroundings. But when will there be a Harvester for the world? @themiltonjones

I'm seeing him live soon, very excited.

 

[driller]

After sex last night my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said,"You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had"

Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.

 

[seagullsoveroxon]

Just heard that yesterday our local icecream seller was found dead in his van covered in hundreds and thousands ! Police say he TOPPED HIMSELF !!

 

[Biscuit]

Dear Walkers Crisps,Your crisps are really tasty. When will you be making a full bag?

 

[HP Seagull]

Two fat blokes sitting in a pub. One says to the other "your round", to which the other replies, "so are you, you fat b**tard"!

 

[BRIGHT ON Q]

Whats got 8 legs and a big black Cu*t












The A-team