Joke Du Jour

[Simster]

I'll get mine out the way now if that's alright.

A bloke walks into a DELI and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Prawn and lettuce on granary: £1.50
Meat feast on Italian £2.50
add 50p to all prices for specialist breads.

Checking his wallet he finds one single tenner, he walks up to the counter and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "do you serve WANKS?"

"No", she says, "you'll need to go to that shit pub over the road that changes it's menu every Wednesday. Now f*** off."

The man replies "Well up yours then, you've got a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle."





Do I win £5?

 

[Trufflehound]

A race horse goes into a pub. The barmaid says to him: "Why the long face?"
The horse says: "Cos you keep saying that to me instead of giving me the handjob that everyone else gets. Now give me a pint of Harveys and a bag of oats please." So the barmaid does.
Just then a tatty piece of string with a knot in it walks in. The barmaid says: "Oi, I've told you before, we don't serve string in here. Are you a piece of string?"
The string says: "No, I'm a frayed knot." so the barmaid pours him a pint.
Then a greyhound walks in, goes up to the bar, and says to the barmaid: "Pint of Guinness and one of MoH's Parma Ham sandwiches please luv."
The racehorse looks at the dog then says to the string: f*** me, a talking dog."
Then an Enlgishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk in. The barmaid says to them: "Is this some kind of a joke?"
The Englishman says: "Just wash your hands after you've finished jacking off that greyhound please. We're hungry."
Then a piece of pink tarmac walks in and everybody screams: "Oh no! Here comes that f***ing cyclepath again."




Or something like that.

 

[Lokki 7]

A fellow walks into a pub and stands at the bar. A PARMA ham sandwich says, "You're looking good today mate, like your jacket".
Stunned, he beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "How much are the PARMA ham sandwiches?"
"Oh don't worry", she purrs, "They're COMPLIMENTARY"
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich."

 

[Brovion]

Have you heard the female equivalent? A beautiful woman walks into a chemist. "Hi!" she breathed huskily and sexily to the man behind the counter. "I was wondering, do you personally fit contraceptive coils?" The man looked at her and made an instant decision. "Er, yes, yes we do" he stuttered. The woman smacked him round the face and shouted "Well wash your hands you dirty bastard and give me a packet of cough drops!"

 

[Simster]

Sorry but I've TREATED myself to a read of this thread and concluded that it's GOLD.

 

[Man of Harveys]

NSC GOLD all the way - I officially lost The Plot at:

The Englishman says: "Just wash your hands after you've finished jacking off that greyhound please. We're hungry."

 

[Lush]

Last Orders on the thread before closing time?

 

[B.M.F]

It was pies before

Fork off. Oooopppsss forgot you can't do that at Withdean

 

[brighton rock]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says,
Something taste funny?