Joke du Jour

[The Andy Naylor Fan Club]

The Queen visits a scottish army hospital and visits ward A. Inside is a Scots Soldier lying on his front with a cage and a blanket over his Bum. The Queen turns to him amd says
"And What are you in for?"
"Ma'am I've Got a terrible bout of Dysentry"
"Gosh"replies the Queen"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day"he says
" And Do You Have any ambition left in life?" She Asks
"Yes Ma'am To Beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve for my Queen and Country"he replies
"That's Mighty Brave Of You "she says and pins a medal of honour on his Bum

So Then SHe Moves Onto the second Patient Of The Three And Asks:-
"And What are you in for?"
"Ma'am Iv'e Got a terrible strain of genital Herpes"
"Gosh"replies the Queen"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day" he says
" And Do You Have any ambition left in life?" She Asks
"Yes Ma'am To Beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve for my Queen and Country"he replies
"That's Mighty Brave Of You "she says and pins a medal of honour on his Chest
She Moves Onto the Last Patient and asks
"What are you in for?"
The soldier replies in a croaky voice
"tonsilitis"
"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and dettol three times a day ma'am "comes the croaky reply"
"Ohhhh Is'nt that awfully painful"She Asks
"Whatever it takes to beat this affliction and get back to serving My Queen And Country"He Says Proudly
"And Do You Have any ambition left in life"she asks
"yes" The Man Replies "To get the Wire brush and dettol before those two dirty Ba***rds!!!"

 

[Taybha]

Is there any concrete evidence that a wire brush and dettol actually cures patients 1 and 2 ? i mean sounds a bit far fetched to me so patient 3 need not actually need the wire brush and dettol at all , on a side note my mum used to put a brown paper bag soaked in vinegar on my head when something was hurting , (didn't really matter where the pain was ) , funny old world i met quite a few girls with paper bags on their heads when i was a nipper so i guess there must of been something in that cure .

 

[SouthCoastOwl]

I've checked the NICE guidelines on the prescribed treatments for the diseases and disorders mentioned and you're wrong on all three counts!

...........and why didn't the third soldier get a medal?

 

[LlcoolJ]

What is the significance of the first patient being Scottish and why aren't we told the nationality of the other two? Smacks of some sort of Scottish Nationalist bias to me.

 

[Eeyore]

Most NHS hospitals would use a separate wire brush so I sense the soldier's concerns are somewhat redundant.

My own view is that the third soldier should also be awarded a medal.

 

[Dick Swiveller]

The Queen visits a scottish army hospital and visits ward A. Inside is a Scots Soldier lying on his front with a cage and a blanket over his Bum. The Queen turns to him amd says
"And What are you in for?"
"Ma'am I've Got a terrible bout of Dysentry"
"Gosh"replies the Queen"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day"he says
" And Do You Have any ambition left in life?" She Asks
"Yes Ma'am To Beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve for my Queen and Country"he replies
"That's Mighty Brave Of You "she says and pins a medal of honour on his Bum

So Then SHe Moves Onto the second Patient Of The Three And Asks:-
"And What are you in for?"
"Ma'am Iv'e Got a terrible strain of genital Herpes"
"Gosh"replies the Queen"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day" he says
" And Do You Have any ambition left in life?" She Asks
"Yes Ma'am To Beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve for my Queen and Country"he replies
"That's Mighty Brave Of You "she says and pins a medal of honour on his Chest
She Moves Onto the Last Patient and asks
"What are you in for?"
The soldier replies in a croaky voice
"tonsilitis"
"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and dettol three times a day ma'am "comes the croaky reply"
"Ohhhh Is'nt that awfully painful"She Asks
"Whatever it takes to beat this affliction and get back to serving My Queen And Country"He Says Proudly
"And Do You Have any ambition left in life"she asks
"yes" The Man Replies "To get the Wire brush and dettol before those two dirty Ba***rds!!!"

A blanket over his Bum, you say? Why is the vagrant omitted from the rest of this story? Does he get a medal? Or is it just lax security in an army hospital? I think there should be an enquiry.

 

[Gazwag]

The Queen visits a scottish army hospital and visits ward A. Inside is a Scots Soldier lying on his front with a cage and a blanket over his Bum. The Queen turns to him amd says
"And What are you in for?"
"Ma'am I've Got a terrible bout of Dysentry"
"Gosh"replies the Queen"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day"he says
" And Do You Have any ambition left in life?" She Asks
"Yes Ma'am To Beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve for my Queen and Country"he replies
"That's Mighty Brave Of You "she says and pins a medal of honour on his Bum

So Then SHe Moves Onto the second Patient Of The Three And Asks:-
"And What are you in for?"
"Ma'am Iv'e Got a terrible strain of genital Herpes"
"Gosh"replies the Queen"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and Dettol three times a day" he says
" And Do You Have any ambition left in life?" She Asks
"Yes Ma'am To Beat this terrible affliction and get back to serve for my Queen and Country"he replies
"That's Mighty Brave Of You "she says and pins a medal of honour on his Chest
She Moves Onto the Last Patient and asks
"What are you in for?"
The soldier replies in a croaky voice
"tonsilitis"
"And Whats the treatment for that?"
"Wire Brush and dettol three times a day ma'am "comes the croaky reply"
"Ohhhh Is'nt that awfully painful"She Asks
"Whatever it takes to beat this affliction and get back to serving My Queen And Country"He Says Proudly
"And Do You Have any ambition left in life"she asks
"yes" The Man Replies "To get the Wire brush and dettol before those two dirty Ba***rds!!!"

Have you split Dettol on your caPs LoCk

 

[SweatyMexican]

Swearing in front of Her Royal Majesty? Absolutely disgraceful.

In my day, you'd have been hung, drawn, and quartered for that.

 

[Dr Q]

It is described as a Scots Army hospital, and the first patient is Scottish. Maybe the other two aren't and they have to use the Jock's dirty cast off. Scottish Racists!!!

 

[Tim Over Whelmed]

According to The Gazette HM Queen has no appointments in Scotland today, are you sure this is factually correct?

 

[hart's shirt]

Unless the Queen were based in Balmoral, it would seem rather a long journey for a 90 year old monarch to have to make, especially given that she is scaling down her public engagements and delegating more to William and Harry with their military careers.

It would have been more prudent for the soldiers on recovery to have visited Buckingham Palace and received their medals there.

 

[clarkey]

I've never been in the military so maybe I've missed something, but is it really common practice to pin a medal on someone's bum, regardless of their condition or the location of their affliction?

 

[Bodian]

There is no real specific treatment for tonsillitis, which is mainly dealt with by paracetamol and fluids. Very unlikely to require hospitalisation unless for surgery. I wonder if Soldier 3 actually had some other ailment requiring the wire brush? - in which case he is deliberately misleading our Majesty, as well as being rude and disrespectful in front of her. In which case it is perfectly proper that she didn't give him a medal - court martial would be far more appropriate!

 

[Titanic]

If this is true reflection of the state of the devolved NHS in Scotland... I am pretty sure we are better off without them!

 

[Pevenseagull]

It's depressing to think of our brave boys having such limited access to decent medical treatment.

Enough of this foreign aid nonsense, let's look after our own.


does anyone have any pictures of dogs in fancy dress to lighten the mood?

 

[Jack Straw]

I've checked the NICE guidelines on the prescribed treatments for the diseases and disorders mentioned and you're wrong on all three counts!

...........and why didn't the third soldier get a medal?

Yes. Why didn't the third soldier get a medal? If anybody knows, please could they post on here?

 

[Postman Pat]

I'm concerned Her Majesty is awarding medals for no good reason. Does being in hospital with genital warts qualify these days? Surely more deserving acts of bravery in our armed forces.

 

[Two Professors]

 

[Two Professors]

I'm concerned Her Majesty is awarding medals for no good reason. Does being in hospital with genital warts qualify these days? Surely more deserving acts of bravery in our armed forces.

Having attended a military hospital suffering from an STD,a medal is very appropriate!

 

[DavidinSouthampton]

It might have been in the next ward, which was dealing with actual combat injuries, where one soldier informed the Queen that he had been shot up the backside.
"Rectum?" asked the Queen.
"No, just missed 'em" came the reply.