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Animal Sex Jokes - Page 1
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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."



One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"

The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."

So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".

The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.

"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."



A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford the stud service so he goes to the Vet.

Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"

Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out of the farmer's price range.

Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything else?"

Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll get them pregnant."

Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"

Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next day."

So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.

Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"

Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."

 

[seagull over spain]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up." After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For God's sake, don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

[Jambo Seagull]

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party in his swanky new house. Everyone who's anyone is there top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art. There's a feed of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne, Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire", and over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of
his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a
good book.

"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "the party's just got
started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the 'how's yer father?'

"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the gist], "As long as she does the rest of the band, too." "Not a problem,Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close
and whispers some instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in
walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that
service to me, do you?" The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the hell!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get towork on the BJ. Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, thedoor opens and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young girl by the back of the hair and Slaps her hard across the face!

"Wh-what the hell was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls.





(you're gonna love this)






"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."



*coat*

 

[Hiney]

Brilliant Jambo

 

[teaboy]