joke du jour

[house your seagull]

A guy and his girl are in bed, about to get intimate for the first time. Both have something they are worried about, and want to tell the other before the action begins. She's got terrible breath, he's got rotten stinking feet.

He leans in close, "Darling, I have a confession"

"So have I" she replies.

"Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks"

 

[house your seagull]

"Doctor, my husband keeps unbuttoning his shirt, gyrating his hips and singing Sex Bomb."
"Hmm. That sounds like a classic case of Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Really. Is that common?"
"It's not unusual."

 

[house your seagull]

Two dyslexic skiers are arguing on the top of the slope....

"I'm telling you, the instructor said to zig-zag down the hill!!!!"

"No, he said zag-zig down the hill, not zig zag!"

"Ok, let's ask this guy here with the sledge...excuse me mate, do you zig-zag or zag-zig down the hill?"

"Sorry mate, can't help you, i'm a tobogganist"

"I'll have 20 B&H and a lighter please."

 

[house your seagull]

The agnostic, dyslexic insomniac sat up late one night wondering "Is there a dog?"

 

[KNC]

I think you left you're coat here.

 

[essbee]

I think standards of jokes on NSC has become shockingly poor - this
cannot continue.

Most of those jokes went on the Ark with Noah and the animals
laughed yes - - but only at him! ...

For gawd's sake people - shake yoursleves!

 

[chidgull]

and ..........Ronaldo wanted the wall back 10yards !

 

[Box of Frogs]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:

To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Sharon.
Auntie Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f*** away from Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking.'

 

[Skint Gull]

Christ i've never seen such a page of SHITTY jokes. That last one about the Auntie is the best of a dreadful bunch but it's so rediculiously long for such a crap joke

 

[house your seagull]

A kid came up to me today and said "what's your favourite telly tubby?"

I said "probably the new samsung 42" widesceen you cheeky little twat"

 

[house your seagull]

A Vicar is checking into a hotel. As he gets his key he says to the receptionist: "I hope the pornography is disabled".
She replies: "Er.. no it's just regular porn, you sick bastard."

 

[house your seagull]

I went and saw my doctor the other day. 'Doc i think i have a chest infection.' He gets out the stethoscope but after two minutes stops and says 'you've got to stop masturbating'. 'Oh, why is that doctor?', 'Because i'm trying to examine you.' he said.

 

[house your seagull]

boy comes home from school..

"mummy I've got the biggest cock at nursery, is it because I'm a northener ?"

"no son, it's because your a 28 year old retard, now be a good lad and watch you dont get spaghetti hoops down your leeds united shirt"

 

[house your seagull]

What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?

Gracias.

 

[house your seagull]

"what's ET short for?"

"he's only got tiny legs"

 

[Superphil]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?


He sold his soul to Santa

 

[minnieme]

A kid came up to me today and said "what's your favourite telly tubby?"

I said "probably the new samsung 42" widesceen you cheeky little twat"