[Humour] Joke Du Jour: Burns Night Special

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked, "It smells absolutely incredible!" Being a kind-hearted Scotsman he thought "What the hell, I'll treat her!" So they walked past it again.

 

[Baldseagull]

Not credible, tight fisted Scots would not have gone to the expense of wasting shoe leather on walking more than they absolutely had to.

 

[Frutos]

Not a joke, but we're going to a Burns Night thing at one of our village pubs tonight.

Proper traditonal menu - Scotch Broth starter, Haggis, Neeps and Tatties main and for dessert a true Scottish culinary icon - deep fried Mars Bar.

 

[Thunder Bolt]

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital. At the end of his visit, he's shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:-

"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o'the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye worthy o' a grace as lang's my arm...."

The doctor, being somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:-

"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:-

"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle
I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi murdering prattle!"

"Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."

"No, no, no," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."

 

[Bry Nylon]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant. "Did you smell that food?" she asked, "It smells absolutely incredible!" Being a kind-hearted Scotsman he thought "What the hell, I'll treat her!" So they walked past it again.

Racist content - infraction issued.

 

[Frutos]

 

[ConfusedGloryHunter]

A Scottish couple won a fortune in the national lottery and were asked if they wanted to appear in the local papers.

"Sure" said the husband happily.

Then his wife looked worried and asked "But what about all of the begging letters dear?"

"Don't worry yourself, my love", came the reply, "We can keep sending them out."



This joke was told to me by a Glaswegian who did the accents far better than me too.

 

[Fungus]

Not a joke, but we're going to a Burns Night thing at one of our village pubs tonight.

Proper traditonal menu - Scotch Broth starter, Haggis, Neeps and Tatties main and for dessert a true Scottish culinary icon - deep fried Mars Bar.

Also not a joke, but today is my 55th anniversary of first seeing the Albion. I have a couple of bottles of Kingsbarns whisky to toast Burns, my sister’s birthday, my Bisset ancestors from Fife, plus Kit Napier, Alex Dawson and the rest of the team.

 

[Coldeanseagull]

I'm sure I'm not the only one who used a sweaty accent when reading the jokes

 

[Albion my Albion]

Q: Why does a chef from North Africa cook Chinese food?

A: He wants to Wok like an Egyptian.

 

[jackanada]

A Scottish couple won a fortune in the national lottery and were asked if they wanted to appear in the local papers.

"Sure" said the husband happily.

Then his wife looked worried and asked "But what about all of the begging letters dear?"

"Don't worry yourself, my love", came the reply, "We can keep sending them out."



This joke was told to me by a Glaswegian who did the accents far better than me too.

If told by a Glaswegian then surely the joke was specifically about an Edinburgh couple.

 

[Brovion]

If told by a Glaswegian then surely the joke was specifically about an Edinburgh couple.

True! The West of Scotland always considers itself more generous and hospitable than the East. We go to the Ardnamurchan peninsula a lot for holidays, and they like to say "In the west of Scotland we say 'Come in and have your tea.' In the east they say, 'Come in - you'll have had your tea'".

 

[Questions]

I think the English should have a
‘Milligan Night.’