[Humour] Joke de Jour

[Winker]

If one of the animals had been a frog he could have wrapped up the game in the first few minutes.

 

[shingle]

FFS chaps

 

[smillie's garden]

Umm…insects are animals.

Not to mention that centipedes are arthropods. Something is bugging me about all of this: it’s almost as if it’s a fake, set-up joke, like those infuriating videos one sees on social media.

 

[el punal]

What I want to know is did the insects have a B team?

 

[tedebear]

Not to mention that centipedes are arthropods. Something is bugging me about all of this: it’s almost as if it’s a fake, set-up joke, like those infuriating videos one sees on social media.

It really would be fake if they had VAR, now that I couldn’t believe…which leg needs to be over the line if you’re a centipede?

 

[Cotton Socks]

What I want to know is did the insects have a B team?

No, they all suddenly came out with hives and couldn't play.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

I find this story about 50 years old - and it wasn't funny then either.

Imagine not being funny when all we had for entertainment was coal.

Watch it, or I'll have to tell you the story, told to me in 1964, about the girl with three dogs, called Bum, Tits and Willy

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Recently, there was a football match between the animals and the insects. At half time the animals were 3-0 up. At the start of the 2nd half the insects brought on their star player, a centipede called Dave. At the end of the match the insects had won 7-3 with Dave the centipede scoring all 7 goals. At the end of the game the captain of the animals team came up to the centipede and said, why didn't you start the game to which Dave the centipede replied.

It took me till half time to get me boots on.
BOOM

I find this hardly credible.

Any organized side would have planned for this eventuality.

Presumably the centipede club did not employ a director of football, or a kit man.

Poor show.

 

[Sirnormangall]

The animals must be really crap to have only scored 3 goals against a team that aren’t big enough to even kick a ball !

I wasn’t surprised at the result. The animals aren’t known for their football prowess, rather their musical ability: House of the rising sun etc

 

[Zeberdi]

I find this hardly credible.

Agreed.

If 50 pairs of centipede feet only scored 7 goals then the centipede performed well below his xG - that’s a 14% conversion rate. If the average conversion rate for only 11 pairs of feet in premier league is on average 8.9% he clearly wasn’t their star player. Of course, it also depends on how many legs the centipede uses when sprinting compared to walking. For example a the cockroach Periplaneta runs on all six legs at low speeds, but at high speeds (1.0–1.5 m s−1) it makes about half its runs on four legs (the middle and hind legs) and half on the hind legs only (Full & Tu, 1991). That would obviously create a skewed xG.

If the OP had simply said the centipede was wearing badly fitting caterpillar boots to explain his poor conversion rate, the story would have been more believable IMHO.

 

[Sarisbury Seagull]

Mmm, I’m not sure, I need a bit more detail to know whether this tale is credible. I mean, the report doesn’t even say which foot Dave scored his goals with, a basic detail in any match report.

 

[Dun Lurkin]

The match would have been awarded to the animals because the insects played an ineligible player. A true insect only has six legs.

 

[shingle]

I find this story about 50 years old - and it wasn't funny then either.

Imagine not being funny when all we had for entertainment was coal.

Well, my 5 year old grandson thought it was hilarious, so did the mother in law

 

[clapham_gull]

Umm…insects are animals.

Not in a competitive football match according to FA Rules of the game number 4.7.7.5.9.2C

 

[Man of Harveys]

Insects ARE animals

 

[Brovion]

At which point did he put his shin pads and deep heat on?

And his socks. It must cost some insect fan a fortune to sponsor his kit.

 

[chickens]

Agreed.

If 50 pairs of centipede feet only scored 7 goals then the centipede performed well below his xG - that’s a 14% conversion rate. If the average conversion rate for only 11 pairs of feet in premier league is on average 8.9% he clearly wasn’t their star player. Of course, it also depends on how many legs the centipede uses when sprinting compared to walking. For example a the cockroach Periplaneta runs on all six legs at low speeds, but at high speeds (1.0–1.5 m s−1) it makes about half its runs on four legs (the middle and hind legs) and half on the hind legs only (Full & Tu, 1991). That would obviously create a skewed xG.

If the OP had simply said the centipede was wearing badly fitting caterpillar boots to explain his poor conversion rate, the story would have been more believable IMHO.

Perhaps he’s right-footed only, but that would turn into a circular argument.

 

[Brovion]

Agreed.

If 50 pairs of centipede feet only scored 7 goals then the centipede performed well below his xG - that’s a 14% conversion rate. If the average conversion rate for only 11 pairs of feet in premier league is on average 8.9% he clearly wasn’t their star player. Of course, it also depends on how many legs the centipede uses when sprinting compared to walking. For example a the cockroach Periplaneta runs on all six legs at low speeds, but at high speeds (1.0–1.5 m s−1) it makes about half its runs on four legs (the middle and hind legs) and half on the hind legs only (Full & Tu, 1991). That would obviously create a skewed xG.

If the OP had simply said the centipede was wearing badly fitting caterpillar boots to explain his poor conversion rate, the story would have been more believable IMHO.

*Stands and applauds*

Obviously what makes these threads are the deconstructions, and that is probably the best 'Joke Du Jour' deconstruction I've ever read!

 

[bhafc99]

While the name centipede means "100 legs”, in reality the species can actually have as few as 15 pairs of legs. There’s no excuse for not being ready for kick-off, something else is going on here. Is his agent angling for a move to Chelsea?

 

[el punal]

Just as well the Albion haven’t signed a centipede, Buzz, our kit man, would be going ballistic.