[Humour] It is Friday, sunny, life is bereft of fun, tell a joke, have a beer.....

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

OK but my version SOUNDS better in Jockspeak...

Let's test this hypothesis:

Walt Disnae

Walt Disnae



You're absolutely correct

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

This was the first joke I was ever told. It remains hilarious today, but probably not for the original reasons. Remember, I was five when I was told it.

A young lady was out walking with her three dogs.

They were called Bum, Tits and Willy.

Unfortunately while in the park she lost the dogs.

She found a policeman, luckily, and said:

Have you seen my Bum, Tits and Willy?

The policeman said: No, but I'd like to!

 

[Bry Nylon]

This was the first joke I was ever told. It remains hilarious today, but probably not for the original reasons. Remember, I was five when I was told it.

A young lady was out walking with her three dogs.

They were called Bum, Tits and Willy.

Unfortunately while in the park she lost the dogs.

She found a policeman, luckily, and said:

Have you seen my Bum, Tits and Willy?

The policeman said: No, but I'd like to!

Have you been sniffing Tippex again?

 

[Bry Nylon]

This was the first joke I was ever told. It remains hilarious today, but probably not for the original reasons. Remember, I was five when I was told it.

A young lady was out walking with her three dogs.

They were called Bum, Tits and Willy.

Unfortunately while in the park she lost the dogs.

She found a policeman, luckily, and said:

Have you seen my Bum, Tits and Willy?

The policeman said: No, but I'd like to!

Little boy: “Dad, why have my shoes got ‘L’ and ‘R’ on them?”

Dad: “So you know which is for your left foot and which is for your right foot.”

Little boy: “Ah, I see. Is that why mum’s knickers say C&A in them?”

 

[birthofanorange]

If you need to borrow money, make sure you borrow it from a pessimist, as they won't expect to get it back.

 

[Coldeanseagull]

An imam, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar. the rabbit says to the barman....

I think I'm a typo

 

[B-right-on]

What happens when a frogs car breaks down?

It gets toad.

 

[Insel affe]

What’s white and lives in the Australian bush ?

Skippy the bushkangafridge

 

[Happy Exile]

Frank Lampard was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

 

[Stat Brother]

A thick blue line walks into a pub and asks for half of shandy.
The landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Then a thick red line walks into the same pub and asks for half of shandy.
The annoyed landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Then a normal sized red line walks into the same pub and asks for half of shandy.
The stressed landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Then a normal sized yellow line walks into the pub and asks for half of shandy.
The exasperated landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Then a normal sized red and white line walks into the pub and asks for half of shandy.
The raging landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Finally a thin red line walks into the pub and asks for 18 pints of Stella, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of absinthe, the specific packet of peanuts covering the ladies boobies, 20 B&H, a Snowball and a packet of bacon wheat crunchies.
The smiling landlord was all to happy to serve.

When the thin red line left to find a seat, Howard the Regular, who had witnessed the evenings events unfold couldn't help but ask:-

"Maurice, you refused to serve the think blue line a shandy.
You refused to serve the think red line a shandy.
You refused to serve the normal sized red line a shandy.
You refused to serve the normal sized yellow line a shandy.
You refused to serve the alternate red and white line a shandy.
And yet when the thin red line comes in and asks for a cocktail of drinks that will result in someone ending up in hospital, you're only to happy to oblige, why?
Although that said I'm pleased the thin red line took the boobie peanuts"

The landlord replied:-

"You see Howard The Regular, I could tell the others to sling their hooks but the thin red line is a cyclepath"

 

[Insel affe]

A thick blue line walks into a pub and asks for half of shandy.
The landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Then a thick red line walks into the same pub and asks for half of shandy.
The annoyed landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Then a normal sized red line walks into the same pub and asks for half of shandy.
The stressed landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Then a normal sized yellow line walks into the pub and asks for half of shandy.
The exasperated landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Then a normal sized red and white line walks into the pub and asks for half of shandy.
The raging landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Finally a thin red line walks into the pub and asks for 18 pints of Stella, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of absinthe, the specific packet of peanuts covering the ladies boobies, 20 B&H, a Snowball and a packet of bacon wheat crunchies.
The smiling landlord was all to happy to serve.

When the thin red line left to find a seat, Howard the Regular, who had witnessed the evenings events unfold couldn't help but ask:-

"Maurice, you refused to serve the think blue line a shandy.
You refused to serve the think red line a shandy.
You refused to serve the normal sized red line a shandy.
You refused to serve the normal sized yellow line a shandy.
You refused to serve the alternate red and white line a shandy.
And yet when the thin red line comes in and asks for a cocktail of drinks that will result in someone ending up in hospital, you're only to happy to oblige, why?
Although that said I'm pleased the thin red line took the boobie peanuts"

The landlord replied:-

"You see Howard The Regular, I could tell the others to sling their hooks but the thin red line is a cyclepath"

Dad joke alert

 

[Stat Brother]

Dad joke alert

***Late night*** Dad joke.
Not entirely sure how this thread has gone on so long without this classic from the archives:-


How do you make a hormone?

 

[Insel affe]

***Late night*** Dad joke.
Not entirely sure how this thread has gone on so long without this classic from the archives:-


How do you make a hormone?

Not sure, let me ask my mum.

 

[spongy]

Dave and Gary were sitting in the living room of Dave's flat watching the football on TV on a Saturday evening.

Dave's wife, having been ejected from the room had gone for a bath. However, when she got out she slipped on the damp floor tiles, did the splits and accidently suctioned herself to the floor with her fanny.

She tried and tried to free herself but couldn't so eventually called to Dave to help....... Even with Dave's help she couldn't be freed so he suggested Gary should help too, Dave's wife was horrified by the idea but reluctantly agreed.

So Dave and Gary grabbed her under an arm each but still couldn't free her.

Out of ideas Gary had the suggestion of using a hammer and chisel to break the tiles to free her.

Dave reluctantly agreed so Gary said he was off to get the tools.

Just as Gary was leaving Dave said "while your gone I'm going to fiddle with her nipples and tickle her clit"

"Why on earth would you do that?" Gary replied in shock

"Well, if I can get her wet enough we can slide her to the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper......"

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

OK but my version SOUNDS better in Jockspeak...

Man walks into a bakery in Glasgow, points at the display cabinet and asks "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?" Baker replies "You're no wrang, it's a doughnut"

 

[Bry Nylon]

Man walks into a bakery in Glasgow, points at the display cabinet and asks "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?" Baker replies "You're no wrang, it's a doughnut"

Beautiful

Wish my Glaswegian dad was still with us. He’d have loved that one.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Have you been sniffing Tippex again?

This was a joke from 1963. Back then we used to sniff fences (creosote) and the vapor from the road-menders' vat of molten tar. None of your health and safety bollox in those days, matey

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

A thick blue line walks into a pub and asks for half of shandy.
The landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Then a thick red line walks into the same pub and asks for half of shandy.
The annoyed landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Then a normal sized red line walks into the same pub and asks for half of shandy.
The stressed landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Then a normal sized yellow line walks into the pub and asks for half of shandy.
The exasperated landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Then a normal sized red and white line walks into the pub and asks for half of shandy.
The raging landlord tells him to Sling his hook as they don't serve lines.

Finally a thin red line walks into the pub and asks for 18 pints of Stella, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of absinthe, the specific packet of peanuts covering the ladies boobies, 20 B&H, a Snowball and a packet of bacon wheat crunchies.
The smiling landlord was all to happy to serve.

When the thin red line left to find a seat, Howard the Regular, who had witnessed the evenings events unfold couldn't help but ask:-

"Maurice, you refused to serve the think blue line a shandy.
You refused to serve the think red line a shandy.
You refused to serve the normal sized red line a shandy.
You refused to serve the normal sized yellow line a shandy.
You refused to serve the alternate red and white line a shandy.
And yet when the thin red line comes in and asks for a cocktail of drinks that will result in someone ending up in hospital, you're only to happy to oblige, why?
Although that said I'm pleased the thin red line took the boobie peanuts"


The landlord replied:-

"You see Howard The Regular, I could tell the others to sling their hooks but the thin red line is a cyclepath"

You just can't leave it alone, can you?

 

[A mex eyecan]

a man walks into a bar but slipped on a pile of dog poo that was on the floor.
In slipping he smashed his head on the bar and broke a tooth.
Too embarrassed to make a complaint he ordered a pint and went and sat down.

A few minutes later a huge builder guy came in.
He also slipped on the pile of poo, hit his head on the bar and broke a tooth.
As he got up the first bloke said ‘hey guess what, I just did that’
The builder walked over to him and smacked him in the face

my old Dad used to tell everyone that one.

 

[Bodian]

This was a joke from 1963. Back then we used to sniff fences (creosote) and the vapor from the road-menders' vat of molten tar. None of your health and safety bollox in those days, matey

Molten tar - wonderful smell. But never too sure why it should be so - is it something in it, some sort of chemical reaction? Not sure.