[Humour] Groundhog News Day

[el punal]

Have you noticed that the news is basically the same, with few changes, day after day? So much so that I’ve just about given up reading it. The headline format goes something like this :

Lockdown measures are to be eased, or not, or a little, or be sensible and stay alert.

Government minister/official breaks lockdown - insert ridiculous excuse for doing so.

Dominic Cummings . . . repeat . . . repeat

Trump f**** up again, and again, and again.

Photo of Brighton beach packed with visitors breaking lockdown - the photo was probably taken during a heatwave in 1996. Southend is the new Brighton at the moment.

Woodland or similar catching fire because some f***wit lights up a disposable barbecue.

Another f***wit (maybe the same) is sentenced to three months inside for spitting at police.

A kind, considerate person is walking, running, cycling, knitting, baking to raise money for NHS charities.

The Premier League are thrilled to announce that the season will recommence behind closed doors in June, July, August, September, October - delete as appropriate.

Sorry everyone, that’s the news for today, and yesterday, and tomorrow.

P.S. Do feel free to add your own favourite news snippet that we may have all missed.

 

[bhafc99]

Minor member of royal family 'unexpectedly' drops in on charity Zoom call.

People queue for 18 miles for drive-thru MacDonalds.

Rich businessman/celebrity still furloughs his staff even though he's worth £80m, boo, hiss etc.

Restaurant releases recipe for how to make its world-famous pancakes at home.

 

[vegster]

Boris Johnson fails to give an answer to a question.

 

[AmexRuislip]

Meanwhile in India

 

[Mo Gosfield]

In the early days of lockdown, these sort of things started springing up.......

1) Some unknown family performing a musical tribute to lockdown/NHS to be swiftly followed by orgasmic reactions from tv presenters.
2) Some unknown individual performing a herculean athletic feat around their house or garden e.g running up and down their stairs 5 million times or doing 385,000 laps of their garden. ( and I am not including the magnificent Tom Moore in all of this )

3) These then started to to be replaced by certain celebrities, who clearly decided that the nation was missing them and that they needed to jump on the ' I need to do something mildly amusing outside of my normal sphere ' bandwagon.... e.g a keep fit routine/singing/reciting/smiling/what I am doing during lockdown whilst looking tres casual etc

4) These ran their course and now we have the mass event. Whole swathes of bored people joining together to perform ' Careless Hands ' by Des O'Connor or ' Handel's Messiah '
Great gatherings of unified joy that leave us all at home in emotional bits or if you are like me....' f--k this....when is Minder on? '

5) The ' Laura Kuenssberg fashion slot ' What next from the Westminster Wardrobe. ( And where the hell is John Pienaar? Don't leave Willie Thorne unopposed in the largest forehead in the world contest )

 

[Jack Straw]

Have you noticed that the news is basically the same, with few changes, day after day? So much so that I’ve just about given up reading it. The headline format goes something like this :

Lockdown measures are to be eased, or not, or a little, or be sensible and stay alert.

Government minister/official breaks lockdown - insert ridiculous excuse for doing so.

Dominic Cummings . . . repeat . . . repeat

Trump f**** up again, and again, and again.

Photo of Brighton beach packed with visitors breaking lockdown - the photo was probably taken during a heatwave in 1996. Southend is the new Brighton at the moment.

Woodland or similar catching fire because some f***wit lights up a disposable barbecue.

Another f***wit (maybe the same) is sentenced to three months inside for spitting at police.

A kind, considerate person is walking, running, cycling, knitting, baking to raise money for NHS charities.

The Premier League are thrilled to announce that the season will recommence behind closed doors in June, July, August, September, October - delete as appropriate.

Sorry everyone, that’s the news for today, and yesterday, and tomorrow.

P.S. Do feel free to add your own favourite news snippet that we may have all missed.

 

[CliveWalkerWingWizard]

Or Micheal gove has been watching pornography?

 

[WATFORD zero]

Every time the adverts come on it's 'Who Killed the F*ing Zutons', I'm not buying it on principle.

 

[LamieRobertson]

Stay safe

 

[Taybha]

You should live in Ceredigion , the main headline yesterday was , A distraught Mr Jones begs council for a Wheelie bin . the noise his current aluminium bin makes when he drags it out on Wednesdays scares his 13 year old cat Wilson .


Sky could only dream of getting a story like that , i can imagine Kate Burley desperately trying to saw the wheels off her bin as i typo .

 

[el punal]

Have you noticed that the news is basically the same, with few changes, day after day? So much so that I’ve just about given up reading it. The headline format goes something like this :

Lockdown measures are to be eased, or not, or a little, or be sensible and stay alert.

Government minister/official breaks lockdown - insert ridiculous excuse for doing so.

Dominic Cummings . . . repeat . . . repeat

Trump f**** up again, and again, and again.

Photo of Brighton beach packed with visitors breaking lockdown - the photo was probably taken during a heatwave in 1996. Southend is the new Brighton at the moment.

Woodland or similar catching fire because some f***wit lights up a disposable barbecue.

Another f***wit (maybe the same) is sentenced to three months inside for spitting at police.

A kind, considerate person is walking, running, cycling, knitting, baking to raise money for NHS charities.

The Premier League are thrilled to announce that the season will recommence behind closed doors in June, July, August, September, October - delete as appropriate.

Sorry everyone, that’s the news for today, and yesterday, and tomorrow.

P.S. Do feel free to add your own favourite news snippet that we may have all missed.

Plagiarist!!!

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Have you noticed that the news is basically the same, with few changes, day after day? So much so that I’ve just about given up reading it. The headline format goes something like this :

Lockdown measures are to be eased, or not, or a little, or be sensible and stay alert.

Government minister/official breaks lockdown - insert ridiculous excuse for doing so.

Dominic Cummings . . . repeat . . . repeat

Trump f**** up again, and again, and again.

Photo of Brighton beach packed with visitors breaking lockdown - the photo was probably taken during a heatwave in 1996. Southend is the new Brighton at the moment.

Woodland or similar catching fire because some f***wit lights up a disposable barbecue.

Another f***wit (maybe the same) is sentenced to three months inside for spitting at police.

A kind, considerate person is walking, running, cycling, knitting, baking to raise money for NHS charities.

The Premier League are thrilled to announce that the season will recommence behind closed doors in June, July, August, September, October - delete as appropriate.

Sorry everyone, that’s the news for today, and yesterday, and tomorrow.

That's what Prime Minister Cummings and his pathetic sock puppet will have fully factored in. The 24/7 rolling news just keeps rolling