From The Outside Looking In

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Evening all.

As a budding sports journalist I try to cover as much as I can within the world of football and your club has been lucky enough to have been my focus for my most recent piece.

All feedback, positive and negative, is appreciated but try and make any criticism constructive rather than saying I've written a load of shite!

Thanks!

Link - The Ascension Of The Albion

OK, here's my constructive criticism on one of your paragraphs...

'Chairman Bloom, who has made his money through the business of propertyneed some mention of his family's prior Albion connections here?, succeeded Dick Knight in 2009 shouldn't you explain something about the Planning Permission being granted here, and also the credit crunch, the combination of which lead to Tony Bloom taking over from Dick Knight and immediately set about taking the club to the top level; investing £93m into the development of the AMEX shouldn't you call it its full name once in the article i.e. The American Express Community Stadium before calling it the AMEX stadium, which cost £105m, and ... setting aside funds for... i.e. he hasn't built it yet a further £15m on building a state of the art training ground and youth academy.

Promotion arrived in time to arrive in Falmer as a Championship club, resulting in season ticket sales going through the roofPersonally I'd include a 'roof' pun here seeing as how we haven't had one for the last decade! .'

Seems to me you are trying to cover too much ground, so the article looks cluttered. The big points are Tony Bloom's new stadium, the League One title and the signing of CMS, you could cut most of the rest away.

But keep going, it shows a bit of promise

6/10

 

[RowleyBirkinQ.C(deceased)]

At the point you wrote "flew the nest" which was roghly one sntence in, it was clear your ability as a writer is copied from the majotity of freelance "hacks" desperatley seeking an extra few quid that could be paid by one of the glossy football "lads" mags.

And just so you know, "sarcasm" is the lowest form of wit, pracised by the weakest, in order to disarm the ptential assailant.

Aaahh I see what you were trying to do with that last piece. Showing there may be some weight of intellect behind that cheap slagfest you first embarked on. As the guy stated, he's just starting out, so cut him some slack.

 

[SR93]

TH,PP

Sorted the AMEX full name part and the setting aside of £15m.

Will look into the rest of your points and edit the article accordingly.

Thanks.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

TH,PP

Sorted the AMEX full name part and the setting aside of £15m.

Will look into the rest of your points and edit the article accordingly.

Thanks.

 

[garethjamesuk]

I really liked the piece you wrote, very good and thank you for doing that piece on our great club

 

[SR93]

Should be sorted now.

I really liked the piece you wrote, very good and thank you for doing that piece on our great club

Pleasure's all mine.

 

[PortuGull]

Evening all.

As a budding sports journalist I try to cover as much as I can within the world of football and your club has been lucky enough to have been my focus for my most recent piece.

All feedback, positive and negative, is appreciated but try and make any criticism constructive rather than saying I've written a load of shite!

Thanks!

Link - The Ascension Of The Albion

Enjoyed your Blog, found it a good read, and other than the comments already in this thread would only add the following:
IMHO your 2 sentences below might read a little better if you were to choose a synonim for the 2nd of each highlighted word. Good luck...

"Promotion arrived in time to arrive in Falmer as a Championship club, resulting in season ticket sales going through the roof."

"Having won League One at a canter last season, they will aim to make the same sort of seamless transition to the next level in the same manner that Norwich, Leeds and Millwall did in the previous campaign."

 

[SR93]

PortuGull - sorted. Thanks!

 

[Fur Cough]

Aaahh I see what you were trying to do with that last piece. Showing there may be some weight of intellect behind that cheap slagfest you first embarked on. As the guy stated, he's just starting out, so cut him some slack.

Plenty of intellect over here, there's also a great deal of angst over all these "writers" who have found a story that "need to be told"

Where were they when we were shit?

 

[ferring seagull]

One of your post's in the thread refers to 'your lot' which suggests to me that you yourself may well be a follower of some other lot.

Do you wish to clarify ?

 

[SR93]

One of your post's in the thread refers to 'your lot' which suggests to me that you yourself may well be a follower of some other lot.

Do you wish to clarify ?

I'm a Tranmere Rovers fan.

 

[ferring seagull]

Ah well that's all right then !

 

[SR93]

You say that but when you're getting beat 1-0 at home by Yeovil it's not quite as alright as some might think.

 

[GoldWithFalmer]

Very good

Try posting it on Palace BBS-some of their number could do with educating.

 

[GoldWithFalmer]

I'm a Tranmere Rovers fan.

Ex 606 member by chance?

 

[Dominoid]

Minor correction: You refer to Buckley and Hoskins as "Will's" - Apostrophes are only for denoting possession or the removal of a letter, you don't need them in plurals. This is a bugbear for a lot of people and will put some people off reading otherwise perfectly good copy.

 

[The Peanut Roaster]

Plenty of intellect over here, there's also a great deal of angst over all these "writers" who have found a story that "need to be told"

Where were they when we were shit?

Where were you when we were shit?

 

[Fur Cough]

Where were you when we were shit?

Sitting in the pissing rain watching mostly crap football served up on a very regular basis.

You?

 

[SR93]

Ex 606 member by chance?

Indeed I am.

I stopped using it because of the idiots who went round the boards winding people up and getting those who genuinely wanted to talk football banned.

Minor correction: You refer to Buckley and Hoskins as "Will's" - Apostrophes are only for denoting possession or the removal of a letter, you don't need them in plurals. This is a bugbear for a lot of people and will put some people off reading otherwise perfectly good copy.

Sorted, thanks.

 

[Falkor]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r70UpNT_ZUc