Favourite t.v comedy lines

[Racek]

One more from Alan Partridge.

"I know lying is wrong, but if the elephant man came in now in a blouse with some make up on, and said "how do I look?" Would you say, bearing in mind he's depressed and has respiratory problems, would you say "go and take that blusher off you mis-shapened elephant tranny"? No. You'd say "You look nice... John""

 

[RowleyBirkinQ.C(deceased)]

I didn't know he was dead.
Just because a guest isn't singing oh what a beautiful morning, I don't think , oh there's another one snuffed it in the night.
The sign says faulty towers hotel,
Perhaps I should change it to fawlty towers hotel for guests with less that a 50% chance of making it through the night


Sent by Derek Acorah via the spirit world.

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

"I don't care if you are related to the Surrey Trotters, the Berkshire Trotters, or the Harlem bloody Globetrotters!"

 

[Twinkle Toes]

Peter - you've lost the news!

 

[wolfie]

Geoffrey Palmer in Fawlty Towers: "I'm a doctor and I want my sausages"

 

[Twinkle Toes]

Bernard Manning on Brass Eye:


One young kiddie on Cake cried all the water out of his body. Just imagine how his mother felt.

It's a f***ing disgrace.

 

[bomber130]

Arthur Lowe Dads Army "Dont tell em your name Pike"

 

[SK1NT]

Mrs. Richards: When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil: That is Torquay madam.
Mrs. Richards: Well it's not good enough.
Basil: Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
Mrs. Richards: Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.


Grandad: [talking to the Police] Rodney's got a police record!
Del Boy: [quickly] Yes, er... it's "Walking on the Moon"."

 

[Dirk Gently]

Quite possibly the best comedy dialogue ever, not a word wasted :

From Blackadder, series 2, "Bells" : Blackadder goes to the doctor about fancying Bob/Kate

Doc : Now then what seems to be the trouble?
Edmond: Well, it's my man servant.
Doc : I see. Well don't be embarrassed if you got the pocks. Just pop your man servant on the table and we'll take a look at him.
Edmond: No, I mean, it is my real man servant.
Doc: Ah, ah. And what is wrong with him?
Edmond: There is nothing wrong with him. That is the problem. He's perfect and last night I almost kissed him.
Doc: I see. So you started fancying boys then, have you?
Edmond: Not boys. A boy.
Doc: Yes, well let's not split hairs. It is all rather disgusting and naturally you're worried.
Edmond: Of course I'm worried.
Doc: Well, of course you are. It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on Gods clean earth than a weazle. Ashamed of your self?
Edmond: Not really, no.
Doc: Bloody hell! I would be. But still why should I complain? Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?
Edmond: Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?
Doc: No, it's all part of the service. I think you're in luck though. An extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this kind of sordid problem.
Edmond: It wouldn't have anything to do with leeches, would it?
Doc: I had no idea you were a medical man.
Edmond: Never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.
Doc: They're marvellous, aren't they?
Edmond: Well, the bottom one wasn't. I just sat there and squashed it.
Doc: You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?
Edmond: Yes. I know that. Dr. Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn't it?
Doc: That's right, the great Hoffmann.
Edmond: Owner of the largest leech farm of Europe.
Doc: Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man. As far as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend a course of leeches. [in chorus]
Edmond: Yes. I 'll pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed.
Doc: No, no, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the dark ages. Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly.
In a couple of weeks you 'll be beating your servant with a stick, just like the rest of us.
Edmond: You're just a quack, aren't you?
Doc: I'd rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day.

But having said that, dip into any Blackadder script and you'll come out with at least half a dozen superb lines.

 

[CorgiRegisteredFriend]

'In the words of the great Esther Rantzen- Thats Life!' Spoken by Rowan Atkinson as part of a sketch but cant remember what context.

 

[5Ways Gull]

Blackadder goes forth - Rik Mayall as captain Flashard - "Treat your kite like your woman and get inside her twice a day and take her to heaven and back"

 

[pasty]

"The Germans" episode of Fawlty Towers

German Guest: Well you started it
Basil: No we didn't you invaded Poland

 

[Dirk Gently]

Another from Blackadder Goes Forth. gain, just about a perfect routine, ever word counts.

Mary: And no casual girlfriends...?

Edmund: Skirt? Hah! If only... When I joined up, we were still fighting colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt, you shot him and nicked his country. What about you? Have you got a man? Some fine fellow in an English country village? A vicar, maybe? Quiet, gentle, hung like a babboon...

Mary: There was a man I cared for a little. Wonderful chap -- strong, athletic...

Edmund: What happened to him?

Mary: He bought it.

Edmund: I'm so sorry; I didn't realise that was the arrangement. .... Erm, so what's it been? Twelve nights, let's say nine afternoons... How much is--? Oh, and a couple of mornings...



Mary: I mean he died.

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

Bernard Manning on Brass Eye:


One young kiddie on Cake cried all the water out of his body. Just imagine how his mother felt.

It's a f***ing disgrace.

"He's as gay as a window"

"Homosexuals can't swim, they attract enemy radar...."

 

[Barrow Boy]

Prison doc- are you, or have you ever been a practicing homosexual?

Norman Stanley fletcher- what with these feet?

Prison doc- o.k could you urinate into that beaker please.

Norman Stanley fletcher- What? From here?



Sent by Derek Acorah via the spirit world.

And from that same scene,

Godber - What's a practising homosexual Fletch?

Norman Stanley Fletcher - That's one who hasn't got it quite right yet!

 

[Return of the Rev]

come on then ya villa scum!
Amy Turtle 1976

 

[Tony Meolas Loan Spell]

To continue the thread starter "well he pinched ma fags man".

 

[The Antikythera Mechanism]

Baldrick Blackadder 2 : "Not to worry, my Lord. The arrow didn't in fact, enter my body. No. By a thousand to one chance, my willy got in the way."

 

[Gangsta]

And another from Partridge as its St Patricks day this week:

"What does Ireland mean to me: Gap Toothed Simpletons, horses running wild through council estates, people with eyebrows on their cheeks, badly tarmaced drives and men in platform shoes planting bombs"
TV Producers: "But we're from the South, Dublin"
Partridge "Yeah, well thats where you make them"

 

[Pavilionaire]

Gangsta, stop getting Partridge wrong!

It's "planting bombs, lots of rocks and, er, BEAMISH! I think people are saying "Yes, there's more to Ireland than this"...