Favourite one-liners from comedy sitcoms

[Durlston]

That was the series when Rodney pretended to live in a mansion to impress Cassandra.

"Oh it's just somewhere I get my head down."

Cas doesn't drive off after meeting her on a night out and Rodney goes to the front door very, very, very slowly. "Please drive off."

The owners see him near the door "Oh my God". Then it starts peeing it down. She drives off.

"COS-BLOODY-MIC!"

 

[joeinbrighton]

Manuel: Please, which one is man with beard?

Manuel: Si, one moment. You are a hid...eous orang utan.

 

[thedonkeycentrehalf]

Basil Fawlty: [seeing Manual with three trays] Manuel.
Manuel: ¿Si?
Basil Fawlty: [speaking slowly] There is too much butter on those trays.
Manuel: ¿Que?
Basil Fawlty: There is too much butter... on... those... trays.
Manuel: No. No, no, senor. Not... not "on... those... trays"... No, sir.
Manuel: [counting the trays instructively] "Uno, dos, tres".

 

[Frutos]

"I was pissing by the door, when I heard two shats"

[yt]FJ3M8cj70vs[/yt]

 

[beorhthelm]

i am smoking a fag


(as i just found myself paraphrasing it. thats timeless).

 

[joeinbrighton]

Trigger: Alright Del Boy?
Del: (Desperately pacing the floor) No, I'm not alright Trigger! I don't know what I'm gonna do! I just don't know what I'm gonna do!
Trigger: Hang on Del Boy, leave it to me! (Banging on cubicle door) Come on hurry up, we've got an emergency out here!

 

[Lower West Stander]

I'd rather be a bus w*nker than drive around in that piece of yellow sh*t


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[stugbhafc1]

From jolly boys outing
Del "When Raquel comes in she lights up the room"
Rodney "Most of your birds come in and light up a fag"

 

[KingstonSeagull]

Kiss my face!

 

[The Clamp]

"Yeah, she was a big woman. I'm tempted to say big hearted but that would be bullshit"

 

[KingstonSeagull]

i am smoking a fag


(as i just found myself paraphrasing it. thats timeless).

Is it not Avin a Faaag?

 

[KingstonSeagull]

Is it not Avin a Faaag?

Nope just thought about it and you're right.

 

[The Clamp]

A sketch show not a sitcom but it made me roar at the time. Fast Show, Ted and Ralph.
Posh one (Ralph?) enters pub to find Ted and his mates are playing the game where you have to put the name of vegetable before each word. Ralph insists he has something to tell Ted but they all insist he says it by playing the game. Ralph looks apprehensive, gulps:
"Parsnip Ted, carrot your, swede mother, turnip is, potato dead"

Not sure I got the right veg but I thought it was brilliant.

 

[Surf's Up]

"Au contraire Blackadder" - as Melchitt reveals an enormous set of gold false breasts.

 

[KVLT]

"I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

 

[joeinbrighton]

Boycie: I remember a few years back when I had that important client coming over from Belgium and I was trying to get tickets to Wimbledon to impress him. You said "leave it to me Boycie, I gotta contact at Wimbledon".

Del: I got you two tickets.

Boycie: That's right! They drew nil-nil with Ipswich!

 

[pasty]

A sketch show not a sitcom but it made me roar at the time. Fast Show, Ted and Ralph.
Posh one (Ralph?) enters pub to find Ted and his mates are playing the game where you have to put the name of vegetable before each word. Ralph insists he has something to tell Ted but they all insist he says it by playing the game. Ralph looks apprehensive, gulps:
"Parsnip Ted, carrot your, swede mother, turnip is, potato dead"

Not sure I got the right veg but I thought it was brilliant.

Not only did you not get the veg right, but the relationship as well. It was Ted's wife, not mother. Not a bad effort though

 

[Dick Swiveller]

not me pal...John Challis is a personal friend of mine

Why did I read that with Dave Nice's voice? A young friend of mine.

 

[pasty]

Another OFAH classic, when Damien is born. Del comes rushing out the delivery room....

Del: She's done it. She's only gone and done it
Rodney: What is it?
Del: It's a baby

 

[The Clamp]

Not only did you not get the veg right, but the relationship as well. It was Ted's wife, not mother. Not a bad effort though

Ha! Sounds about right. I suppose it is a 22 year old memory, considering the amount of booze ive consumed between now and then, I'll take that!!