Favourite one-liners from comedy sitcoms

[Durlston]

To lighten the mood I thought I'd start a thread about comedy sitcoms. There's been so many over the years that it's impossible to mention them all but I love Only Fools And Horses, Rising Damp, Early Doors, The Royle Family, Phoenix Nights and loads more.

I'll start with a classic from Reginald Perrin when he's faked his own suicide. He's in the pub listening in with a disguise on with beard during lunch hour when his former work colleagues start laughing. "My God! I've only been dead a month and they're cracking jokes!"

Nana from the Royle family to Jim Royle "You've got more faces than the town hall clock and everyone of them 's miserable!"

The police from Early Doors: "Crime can't crack itself!"

 

[Hendrax]

Stephen Fry: I think animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give silly answers.

A bit of fry and laurie.

 

[portlock seagull]

"Elvis, SHOOT! "

 

[Durlston]

The chandelier in Only Fools And Horses when it smashed to the floor.

Grandad: "Was it valuable? Del: "Valuable? It was bleedin' priceless when it was up there!"

 

[AmexRuislip]

Woody Allen: "Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Finchy: "You couldn't score in a brothel" Brent: "I could and I have"

 

[Durlston]

Finchy: "You couldn't score in a brothel" Brent: "I could and I have"

The Office. Another brilliant sitcom.

 

[Marmaduke]

"Can she have wafer thin ham Barbara?"

 

[Hendrax]

Play it cool trig

 

[Prince Monolulu]

Neil: Does anyone want the last chick pea?

Mike: I didn't even want the first one.

OR

Mike: Standing on the landing may be a good song title but for me it's a tax loss.

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

You can’t trust the Old Bill, can ya? Look at that time they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom.

Delboy

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

"If it's a girl they're calling her Sigourney after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him Rodney

after Dave."

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

"Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you've ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat."

 

[Mayonaise]

Blackadder 4 WW1:

Baldric, we have been here three years and have made as much progress as an asthmatic ant carrying heavy shopping!

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

"I think we'll be going back to Dairylea Barbara. It's a much safer cheese"

 

[Ron Manager]

Well the punchline is a one-liner anyway

Edmund: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.

Baldrick: But this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?

Edmund: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.

George: What was that, sir?

Edmund: It was bollocks

 

[BN9 BHA]

Blackadder.
The girl is wetter than a Haddock's bathing costume.

 

[deletebeepbeepbeep]

"They're even coming from Gdańsk to see the film!"

Brannen after Ted and Dougal's attempts to stop people watching a blue film at the local cinema.

 

[ManOfSussex]

From 'I'm Alan Patridge':

You know when you make those sort of risqué comments, are you just flirting in that sort of crude way that middle-aged divorcees do, or do you genuinely like me, sex wise?

 

[pasty]

Basil Fawlty: No we didn't, you invaded Poland.