[Misc] DadsNet: helping your kids deal with little shits

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Why should someone be stopped from playing minecraft because of another little shit bullying him?

Never played Minecraft but unless it's completely Mineless you must be able to set yourself up with a username shirley? Even The Simpsons can do that.

Regards,

Whing The Merciless

 

[Triggaaar]

However, both kids seemed to spend their whole time chasing my son and repeatedly killing him.

I'd have taken over the controller and killed them repeatedly until they stopped.

School starts again tomorrow and I'm concerned that what I saw on screen is going to extend to the playground, if it wasn't happening already.

Does or has anyone else been through similar? How to you prep your kids to deal with the little shits they come across?

I guess do your best to make him feel able to talk to you about it, and then talk to the school if there is a problem.

 

[Justice]

I remember when I was a kid just started secondary school I had an issue with a couple of bullies my dear old nan god bless her sat me down and told me to hit the biggest one as hard as I could, as it happens it was in sports and I smashed my tennis racket into his face he started blubbering like a baby never received any hassle after that. Bullies make me sick stand up to them and they usually crumble into embarrassing pieces. A good lesson learnt to this day you have to teach your kids to stand up for themselves it’s the only way.

 

[pishhead]

I remember when I was a kid just started secondary school I had an issue with a couple of bullies my dear old nan god bless her sat me down and told me to hit the biggest one as hard as I could, as it happens it was in sports and I smashed my tennis racket into his face he started blubbering like a baby never received any hassle after that. Bullies make me sick stand up to them and they usually crumble into embarrassing pieces. A good lesson learnt to this day you have to teach your kids to stand up for themselves it’s the only way.

It probably was when we were kids. It's a totally different world now. If you were to do as advised now the likelihood would be expulsion from school and a lawsuit from the other kids parents.

 

[happypig]

My son was bullied a bit by one particular kid at junior school but the school sorted it. At secondary there was a kid who picked on everyone and one day he threatened my lad with a pair of scissors and said he would "kill him". It was witnessed by another boy. I told the school and their response was "Yeah, he's a bit troubled, he's done stuff like that before so we're keeping an eye on him". They seemed more concerned with keeping the **** there than taking meaningful action.
I told him that wasn't sufficient and that I wanted him moved to a different class or excluded. I also made it clear that if they didn't act I would involve the police. This seemed to galvanise them into action and shortly afterwards he moved elsewhere.
My advice would be to let the school know but keep on top of it and if they don't act appropriately, take action.

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

There is a world of difference IMHO between game-bullying and real [playground] bullying.
50 years ago I may have thrashed someone at chess / ludo / battleships / draughts / etc. mercilessly beating them to a painful defeat but that was no reflection of my face-to-face personality.

What about sport - I've been tonked around the park when bowling and I've flat-track bullied many a teenage upstart quick with the willow - still have a drink / chat / laugh afterwards ....

Unless you are sure it's happening in the real, I wouldn't take too much notice of a game-bully.

 

[Thunder Bolt]

My son was bullied a bit by one particular kid at junior school but the school sorted it. At secondary there was a kid who picked on everyone and one day he threatened my lad with a pair of scissors and said he would "kill him". It was witnessed by another boy. I told the school and their response was "Yeah, he's a bit troubled, he's done stuff like that before so we're keeping an eye on him". They seemed more concerned with keeping the **** there than taking meaningful action.
I told him that wasn't sufficient and that I wanted him moved to a different class or excluded. I also made it clear that if they didn't act I would involve the police. This seemed to galvanise them into action and shortly afterwards he moved elsewhere.
My advice would be to let the school know but keep on top of it and if they don't act appropriately, take action.

I had a similar situation with my daughter, where another girl yanked her back so hard the zip at the top of her coat left bruise marks on her throat. This was at primary school. My ex and I contacted the headmistress, where we were told we were so lucky to have a nice house, and this poor girl lived in a council house and needed lots of care. We told her in no uncertain terms that we had also lived in a council house for six years but saved up hard to get our nice house. Where people live in nothing to do with good behaviour.

Fast forward to secondary school, and another girl went past on a cycle, and pulled my daughter's hair as she went. I contacted the headmaster, who said as it happened out of school, he had no jurisdiction, but it was assault and I could tell the police. So we did. The other girl's father was a sergeant so was furious, but tough. It never happened again. My daughter's 'problem' was that she was extremely bright.

 

[drew]

There is a world of difference IMHO between game-bullying and real [playground] bullying.
50 years ago I may have thrashed someone at chess / ludo / battleships / draughts / etc. mercilessly beating them to a painful defeat but that was no reflection of my face-to-face personality.

What about sport - I've been tonked around the park when bowling and I've flat-track bullied many a teenage upstart quick with the willow - still have a drink / chat / laugh afterwards ....

Unless you are sure it's happening in the real, I wouldn't take too much notice of a game-bully.

This is the 21st Century! There are plenty of examples of kids that have killed themselves following online bullying by their peers. What might just be ganging up on a game might turn into bullying on social media etc.

 

[Weststander]

My 8-y-o son is, as kids go, pretty decent I think.

He's no angel, certainly, but he's kind-hearted and polite. He's also not "one of the lads" - he's not really into football (and it's not something I'm going to force) and whereas it seems there is a struggle to get kids to read anything at all, he's a voracious reader and consumes books at an incredible rate.

I'm concerned he's getting picked on a bit at school, primarily because he's eager to try and belong, and some of the sharper kids see him as an easy target.

Watching him playing Minecraft online this morning, he was in a world with two other kids from his school. One lives a couple of doors along and, when they're playing together, they seem to largely get on. There is another kid who does seem to be a little shit however, and he was also present. As he's not "Minecraft friends" (or whatever the term is) with my son, we couldn't hear him over the game chat thing, just the lad from up the road. However, both kids seemed to spend their whole time chasing my son and repeatedly killing him. To all intents and purposes it looked like (digital) bullying. In the end I persuaded him to turn the Xbox off and do something else.

School starts again tomorrow and I'm concerned that what I saw on screen is going to extend to the playground, if it wasn't happening already.

Does or has anyone else been through similar? How to you prep your kids to deal with the little shits they come across?

Hi.

Have been there with our two, especially our daughter. You have spotted bullying and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It starts incredibly young. Disregard the "it will toughen him up" and "it will teach him resilience" bullsh*t. As a loving parent you almost feel more pain than them.

With school, communicate it, even as a pre-emptive, with them as soon as possible in private chats. If they end up being ineffective, go back again, and again.

On non-school related internet gaming, unfortunately you may have to take a bigger interest in terms of time. Difficult when we have busy lives. Limiting the hours spent and making it computer where you can what's going on at any one moment in time, might help you.

In general, make sure your son can always openly chat with you on stuff, and doesn't bottle it up. By 8 they may well know when they are getting picked on, but internalise it.

It's great that you noticed what you did and are a caring parent looking at solutions.

Good luck.

 

[Kazenga <3]

There is a world of difference IMHO between game-bullying and real [playground] bullying.
50 years ago I may have thrashed someone at chess / ludo / battleships / draughts / etc. mercilessly beating them to a painful defeat but that was no reflection of my face-to-face personality.

What about sport - I've been tonked around the park when bowling and I've flat-track bullied many a teenage upstart quick with the willow - still have a drink / chat / laugh afterwards ....

Unless you are sure it's happening in the real, I wouldn't take too much notice of a game-bully.

Disagree really, the games and sport you refer to are finite and self-contained. Video games for a lot of kids these days (boys particularly) are a huge part of their social lives, and because many games are now designed essentially as virtual communities it means that they are often reflective of the social groupings at school. This is a big problem for kids now as there is no reprieve from that school bubble and so the bullying can be incessant.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Darren, I think there have been great advances since you were at school (and even greater since my time). When my son (who you have met) was ten (22 years ago) I was crapping it that he'd get bullied, and when he was older and meeting his mates in town I always said 'watch out for the nasty boys' as a sort of joke. He had little bother, as it happens. But the anxiety never goes away. In his early 20s he was mugged (in Pavillian Gardens, paradoxically - he rarely visits Brighton) but he and his mate fought back and the nobbers ran off. But I digress.

As others have said, speak to the school. They are absolutely hot on this sort of stuff now (unlike back in the day when a good cover-up was usually deemed best). Our little 'un (age 7) has had a couple of 'sad face' evenings, bemused by the inappropriate behaviour of a couple of rough girls. The school was told and immediate action was taken. The mothers are brash, loud and inappropriate (swearing in front of the little nippers) but good hearted (it is simply ignorance) and are working with the school. Naturally the inappropriate girls are attention seeking; they don't get invited to the parties and play dates; they can be tearful as much as inappropriate. Our nipper is phlegmatic; we have explained that other kids don't all have what she has ('routine' probably being as important as love, decent food, and our time) and that she should be patient and kind as best she can. And let us know if anything ever bothers her.

This year she moves to a new class. It has been populated by the kids themselves, all of whom were given a chance to pick three friends with whom they want to be in class with, at the end of last term. Needless to say, the two problematic girls are now in a different class. The kids they tried (clumsily, sometime bullyingly) and failed to make friends with have moved on. As always the problems stem from the homelife (parenting too lax, too firm, or just too plain stupid).

Ironically I actually feel sorriest for the bullies. Practially all the dangerous lunatics I encountered when I was a nipper, it turned out, were having the crap beaten out of them, or were being neglected, at home. Poor little ********. Another poster on here grew up in Rottingdene wiith a lad I left behind in 1963 when we moved to Portslade. Bully, bullied at home Anyway, I have digressed again.

Finally I am not sure there are any lessons to be had from the old skool school days. Violence is no longer an option. Ensure your kids can always feel comfortable to tell you their stuff, and speak to the school if issues arise. Lots of talking. Good luck.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Hi.

Have been there with our two, especially our daughter. You have spotted bullying and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It starts incredibly young. Disregard the "it will toughen him up" and "it will teach him resilience" bullsh*t. As a loving parent you almost feel more pain than them.

With school, communicate it, even as a pre-emptive, with them as soon as possible in private chats. If they end up being ineffective, go back again, and again.

On non-school related internet gaming, unfortunately you may have to take a bigger interest in terms of time. Difficult when we have busy lives. Limiting the hours spent and making it computer where you can what's going on at any one moment in time, might help you.

In general, make sure your son can always openly chat with you on stuff, and doesn't bottle it up. By 8 they may well know when they are getting picked on, but internalise it.

It's great that you noticed what you did and are a caring parent looking at solutions.

Good luck.

As usual, and without having read your post before I posted my response, we are on the same page I see.

 

[Papa Lazarou]

Probably the biggest issue we had was with my son at an older age, ten.

Towards the end of year five we gave him an old phone and allowed him to start going to and from school with his friend. The phone was supposed to be for emergency calls only but he installed whatsapp - in fact many of them did - and there were groups set up. One particular kid insisted on being admin on the group and then kicked off everyone he didn't like. Another girl started sending my boy nasty messages and winding up the others. We told the teachers immediately and screen grabbed the evidence. The school dealt with it and it was a lot calmer thereafter. Since then he's had no problems though it probably helps that he goes to every home game with a popular kid who is in the year above him

We're in a world we think we know - digital, always on - but that we don't know from a child's perspective. Essentially parents and children are learning this world together at the same time. I think this is a pretty decent thread to share any tips like this on as there are a lot of us parents on NSC but my specific tip here is tell the school your worries. If it is a decent school they WIlL do something constructive about it. A slightly more awkward conversation awaits you and your Mrs if they don't however.

We had this with our daughter, with one girl getting very bitchy and trying to provoke others. We spoke to the parents and also other friends gave our daughter screen grabs of the messages. The parents were distraught and sorted it out.

to [MENTION=6886]Bozza[/MENTION] s original question - we were lucky that the schools our kids have been to have been really on top of bullying, particularly the high school, and we've made them aware of any bullying behaviour and they have sorted it very quickly.

So, I'd say it's a mix of talking to the parents (if you know who they are) or approaching the school and having a quiet conversation to ensure they're aware.

 

[BigGully]

I have some experience on dealing with primary age groups of differing abilities and peer standings and I would urge you to have an informal chat with your sons teacher, they will be clear and independent judges who might immediately allay your fears or if not then increase their monitoring and give you feedback untainted by a natural extinct to protect, there is little the teachers don't see or sense.

Sometimes just as in this online exchange, a parent might see a 'snapshot' of an exchange that can in the parents mind be imagined as an ongoing and systematic problem when many times it really isn't.

So speak to your child's teacher and try to trust her response.

 

[Eric Youngs Contact Lense]

This is a tough scenario for those on the receiving end. My older son was on the receiving end. He appeared at primary school to be in the thick of things, and according to teachers, reports etc was doing well. However, the "bullying" he was on the receiving end of was exclusion, outside of school . One specific individual who others were scared (a girl as it happened) ruled the roost and selected the group of friends who were "in" and worked hard to exclude others, or kept others dangling, earning their place in her inner circle by being mean to others. To the point that " some of us are not allowed to go to the park unless XXXX says we can". The thing that made it difficult, being a village, the kids concerned were children of people who we were friends with. At that time you are hoping that parents share the same ideal and approach as you do, but that isn't always the case. An example, we had word from the school that a group of kids, my son included, had been mean to one particular lad on a particular occasion. We immediately spoke to our son, got his version and then I went to see the parents of the other child to get their perspective and ultimately apologise to him. My son was apparently only on the fringes of the incident but was nevertheless involved; I asked my son to approach him the very next day, say sorry and shake his hand - which he did. I spoke with other parents involved, our friends, including the ring-leader and they all refused to get involved. "Kids will be kids" , "you cant believe everything you hear" etc etc. Apparently had spoken to their kids, got their reasons/versions, were convinced that it had been blown out of proportion and did no more. I was horrified. After this event, my son was excluded more and more from parties/sleepovers etc. and only really when he went to secondary school could he then break out to new friends. Its not easy when they are too young to be out somewhere and therefore on-line becomes the most important social hot-spot, topic of conversation etc.
If there is bullying at school then they, the school are often skilled at dealing with it. If it is outside of school, then if the parents can be approached its worth doing, and don't despair if you don't get the response you are looking for. Act early, find other networks and opportunities for your kid to make connections so that they become less reliant on one or two individuals. Invite others round, try different clubs , and reassure your kid that what they see is a reflection on the other child not them. Having the confidence to make different friends is a huge strength and any energy you can put into that is time well spent. Our younger son had better support from us as a result.

 

[seagull_special]

My first port of call would be quiet word with his class teacher, voicing your concerns.

Secondly monitor your sons moods as a change can be a sign that something is not quite right.

Keep chatting with him about school life and make sure, whatever his concerns are, however small, he knows you will always listen and not judge and over react.

He sounds like a great kid and I am sure with a strong family around him, he will deal with issues life throws at him.

 

[essbee1]

Bullies have no friends, only the ones that are forced to follow.
You could always get your son into some sort of boxing or karate club.
My nephews did this, it helped them, in regards to discipline and was always taught as a form of defense.
To my knowledge, they didn't suffer any real sort of bullying, due to the fact the other kids knew what they did.
I'm not suggesting your son beats the living crap out of the bullies, but it doesn't do any harm to give these shits, the knowledge of what your son is into.

This. Martial arts are a great way of learning something useful and also engendering a sense of 'no fear [safely]' in someone.
As AmexRuislip says, we're not talking about kicking the hell out of someone - but it gives options (the last resort of course
is to do that). I did MA for a long time and I think it's great that some schools offer this as a sport option.

 

[ozzygull]

My daughter has just finished school and is about to go to college. She went to an all girls school and girls like to inflict mental torture as well as physical pain. I was worried, but luckily she seems to have come through it unscathed. The advice I used to give her was that bullies are cowards, if she felt worried about anything then she could tell me and I would just listen, unless she wanted me to do something about it. I also told her that I would be really cross and disappointed if she was a bully as I dd not want a coward for a daughter.

One of the things that helped her a lot was having another group of friends outside of school. She is a member of a cycling club and raced since she was six and has many friends that she has known through it. They had the same interests as her, and she was not reliant on one group of friends at school

So if you give your child an opportunity to have an interest outside of school where they are with like minded people and can make other friends, that really helps with confidence in school. I don't think it matters what it is as long as they enjoy it.

 

[Stat Brother]

5Live Drive is covering this very subject from 6:30 to 7pm tonight.

 

[Weststander]

As usual, and without having read your post before I posted my response, we are on the same page I see.

Have never met you [MENTION=15734]harry[/MENTION], but on all such threads you're always kind, sensitive and wise. NSC's lucky to have you!!