[Humour] Dad jokes or puns

[jessiejames]

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick?

Still no feckin idea!

Offer in the Butchers shop. 8 Vennison legs for £40. Is that to deer?

 

[Peacehaven Wild Kids]

How easy is it to impersonate Victor Meldrew?
a) don't
b) leave it

 

[Ezzun]

I got thrown out of the local tessellation society.

I didn't really fit in.

 

[Mr Bridger]

I’ve just won an innuendo competition and won…. It was a complete suprise!

My friend entered me.

 

[Stato]

I went to this. Ben Elton was on the bill as well.

Yep "F*** Off Jesus. No Sandals!"

 

[Trufflehound]

I thought it was an embarrassed Nun or a sunburnt Penguin

I always thought it was a penguin in a liquidiser...


What goes black white, black white, black white, red? A nun on a spit

 

[Nicky Rust Fan Club]

How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it down a hill

 

[METALMICKY]

I always thought it was a penguin in a liquidiser...


What goes black white, black white, black white, red? A nun on a spit

What's pink and goes plink plink fizz? A baby dropped in an acid bath!

 

[Fignon's Ponytail]

Did you know you cant take the shells off racing snails?

It makes them too sluggish.

 

[Trufflehound]

What's pink and goes plink plink fizz? A baby dropped in an acid bath!

What's pink and can't turn round in corridors? A baby with a javelin through its head...

 

[WATFORD zero]

How does a non-binary samurai kill people ?

They / Them

 

[thedonkeycentrehalf]

What did the slug say to the snail?

"Big issue?"

 

[FatSuperman]

I was going to get re-married to my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money.

 

[W3D]

I will always remember the last words my Grandad said to me
‘Will you stop bloody wobbling the ladder’

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandad, not screaming in terror like his passengers

 

[Mr Bridger]

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer.

 

[FamilyGuy]

The new treatment for premature ejaculation was a long time coming.

 

[Peacehaven Wild Kids]

What’s got four legs and goes ffffffzzzzzzzvvvvvvvzzzzfffzzzzzzzzzzzzzzvvvfzzzzzzzzzvvvvzzz?




Rod Hull’s TV

 

[peterward]

I'm writing some lyrics about my sewing machine.

I've always wanted to be a Singer songwriter.

 

[Guy Fawkes]

Why did the elephant paint his balls red? - so he could hide in a cherry tree.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle? - a giraffe eating cherries

 

[Mr Bridger]

I phoned my vet to have my cat put down and he said I need to make 9 appointments.