[Drinking] Corkscrew

[Easy 10]

Slightly endulgent "cool-story-bro" I know, but...well, here we are

Drove up north and found myself in Newcastle with the missus. Had a mince around the city centre, had a few beers, went to the game. Absolutely BOUNCING after the result, went back into town, few more beers here there and everywhere, intending to go for a nice meal somewhere afterwards. Anyway, we had an absolutely maHOOsive blazing row over something or other (I honestly don't know why - I'm amazing). Anyway, she's got the major hump, no point having a meal out after tnat so we get a cab back to the hotel.

So I've brought this really nice red wine up with me in the car. But I've forgotten, its a bloody corkscrew job, and my corkscrew is in a drawer in Brighton. So I'm wanting to have this red in front of MOTD, but I've got an issue. So I walk down to reception and say "can I borrow a corkscrew ?". Not got one. Sake. But there's this little pub about 5 minutes walk away, so I think "I'll gan doon there". I take my bottle of red wine, rock up at the bar, put it down and say "2 things. Can I have a pint of Amstel, and can you open this for me ?". I get my pint, but the guy comes back and sheepishly says "we have ne'y got a bottle opener mon".

Its a pub.

"You haven't got a corkscrew ?"

Nah

FFS

I drink my pint. Alan Shearer is on in 20 minutes. I WANT my red wine in front of MOTD. Bollocks, I think. I'm going to knock on someones door. So I leave the pub, walk up the road with my bottle of red, looking for a house that has lights on downstairs. I find one, open the gate, and softly knock on the door. I knock again. The curtain moves, and some old fella peers out the window. I hold up my bottle and say "sorry to disturb you mate...but could you just open this ?". He shuffles off, opens the window a CRACK, a tiny crack, and passes a corkscrew through. I stand in his garden, with my bottle between my legs, drawing out the cork. "I'm David, I drove up from Brighton today". "Oh aye...I'm Harry".

I popped my cork, slid the screw back through the window to old Harry, doffed an imaginary cap (felt weird), and ambled back to the hotel. I think I managed about half a glass, half a bag of Skittles, and fell asleep before the third game highlights. Certainly didn't see the table.

Good times.

 

[clapham_gull]

I had a similar experience recently in Amsterdam. I go there every year for a conference (the biggest in Amsterdam) and hotels tend to double their prices that weekend. On top of that I'm sorry to say but I hate the food in Amsterdam.

This had led me to find someone renting out an apartment (not AirBNB) but similar and buying food from the actually quite good supermarkets and preparing it myself.

So I'm in a similar situation, with a bottle of red and preparing to relax and watch question time on the BBC with historically has been readily available on cable in the Netherlands.

B****** no cork screw. The only bit of town open is the red light district area about 10 mins walk away.

So there am I perusing the tacky gift shops trying to a cork screw to no avail. I finally find a shop (selling all sorts of bongs) which has a cork screw for sale.

Unfortunately it was fashioned in a way that was similar to those "dirty monk" toys from the 70s/80s where you press the head and something quite surprising and erect appears from below.

I just couldn't bring myself to buy it, in the same way if I desperately needed a biro I'd struggle to buy one of those nudie pens (you turn upside down) that were a very popular item you'd "smuggle" back from a school trip to France.

I eventually found another shop and bought one of those pound shop cork screws and paid the pricely sum of ten euros for the privilege.

Sent from my BTV-DL09 using Tapatalk

 

[Easy 10]

So there am I perusing the tacky gift shops trying to a cork screw to no avail. I finally find a shop (selling all sorts of bongs) which has a cork screw for sale.

Unfortunately it was fashioned in a way that was similar to those "dirty monk" toys from the 70s/80s where you press the head and something quite surprising and erect appears from below.

That genuinely made me SNORT

 

[spence]

On my key-ring i always have a bottle opener. Maybe invest in one of those little penknives that have those sort of instruments and leave it in the glovebox ?

You are also brave knocking on some randoms door late at night. You could have been attacked by a house full to the brim with Somali refugees

 

[Easy 10]

On my key-ring i always have a bottle opener. Maybe invest in one of those little penknives that have those sort of instruments and leave it in the glovebox ?

You are also brave knocking on some randoms door late at night. You could have been attacked by a house full to the brim with Somali refugees

That honestly didn't occur to me!

I'm a naive southourner, just assuming everyone up there is NICE. I have to say, everyone I encountered up there was absolutely top notch. Great town, great fans.

 

[spence]

That honestly didn't occur to me!

I'm a naive southourner, just assuming everyone up there is NICE. I have to say, everyone I encountered up there was absolutely top notch. Great town, great fans.

The way the story was unfolding i thought it was heading towards you and Harry sharing the plonk.

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

Sounds like 8 Ace to me.
Has a bust up with his missus but can't think why, even though his team won away, storms out and searches an unfamiliar city in the night carrying a bottle of wine that he is desperate to open, failing he bangs on random windows demanding that they hand over a corkscrew, whilst doffing headwear that he wasn't wearing and promoting that although he knows nobody in the city that ' I bloody love you I do, you're all lovely up here' he falls fast asleep, fully clothed.

 

[The Clamp]

Slightly endulgent "cool-story-bro" I know, but...well, here we are

Drove up north and found myself in Newcastle with the missus. Had a mince around the city centre, had a few beers, went to the game. Absolutely BOUNCING after the result, went back into town, few more beers here there and everywhere, intending to go for a nice meal somewhere afterwards. Anyway, we had an absolutely maHOOsive blazing row over something or other (I honestly don't know why - I'm amazing). Anyway, she's got the major hump, no point having a meal out after tnat so we get a cab back to the hotel.

So I've brought this really nice red wine up with me in the car. But I've forgotten, its a bloody corkscrew job, and my corkscrew is in a drawer in Brighton. So I'm wanting to have this red in front of MOTD, but I've got an issue. So I walk down to reception and say "can I borrow a corkscrew ?". Not got one. Sake. But there's this little pub about 5 minutes walk away, so I think "I'll gan doon there". I take my bottle of red wine, rock up at the bar, put it down and say "2 things. Can I have a pint of Amstel, and can you open this for me ?". I get my pint, but the guy comes back and sheepishly says "we have ne'y got a bottle opener mon".

Its a pub.

"You haven't got a corkscrew ?"

Nah

FFS

I drink my pint. Alan Shearer is on in 20 minutes. I WANT my red wine in front of MOTD. Bollocks, I think. I'm going to knock on someones door. So I leave the pub, walk up the road with my bottle of red, looking for a house that has lights on downstairs. I find one, open the gate, and softly knock on the door. I knock again. The curtain moves, and some old fella peers out the window. I hold up my bottle and say "sorry to disturb you mate...but could you just open this ?". He shuffles off, opens the window a CRACK, a tiny crack, and passes a corkscrew through. I stand in his garden, with my bottle between my legs, drawing out the cork. "I'm David, I drove up from Brighton today". "Oh aye...I'm Harry".

I popped my cork, slid the screw back through the window to old Harry, doffed an imaginary cap (felt weird), and ambled back to the hotel. I think I managed about half a glass, half a bag of Skittles, and fell asleep before the third game highlights. Certainly didn't see the table.

Good times.

Cool story , Bro.

 

[Klaas]

Slightly endulgent "cool-story-bro" I know, but...well, here we are

Drove up north and found myself in Newcastle with the missus. Had a mince around the city centre, had a few beers, went to the game. Absolutely BOUNCING after the result, went back into town, few more beers here there and everywhere, intending to go for a nice meal somewhere afterwards. Anyway, we had an absolutely maHOOsive blazing row over something or other (I honestly don't know why - I'm amazing). Anyway, she's got the major hump, no point having a meal out after tnat so we get a cab back to the hotel.

So I've brought this really nice red wine up with me in the car. But I've forgotten, its a bloody corkscrew job, and my corkscrew is in a drawer in Brighton. So I'm wanting to have this red in front of MOTD, but I've got an issue. So I walk down to reception and say "can I borrow a corkscrew ?". Not got one. Sake. But there's this little pub about 5 minutes walk away, so I think "I'll gan doon there". I take my bottle of red wine, rock up at the bar, put it down and say "2 things. Can I have a pint of Amstel, and can you open this for me ?". I get my pint, but the guy comes back and sheepishly says "we have ne'y got a bottle opener mon".

Its a pub.

"You haven't got a corkscrew ?"

Nah

FFS

I drink my pint. Alan Shearer is on in 20 minutes. I WANT my red wine in front of MOTD. Bollocks, I think. I'm going to knock on someones door. So I leave the pub, walk up the road with my bottle of red, looking for a house that has lights on downstairs. I find one, open the gate, and softly knock on the door. I knock again. The curtain moves, and some old fella peers out the window. I hold up my bottle and say "sorry to disturb you mate...but could you just open this ?". He shuffles off, opens the window a CRACK, a tiny crack, and passes a corkscrew through. I stand in his garden, with my bottle between my legs, drawing out the cork. "I'm David, I drove up from Brighton today". "Oh aye...I'm Harry".

I popped my cork, slid the screw back through the window to old Harry, doffed an imaginary cap (felt weird), and ambled back to the hotel. I think I managed about half a glass, half a bag of Skittles, and fell asleep before the third game highlights. Certainly didn't see the table.

Good times.

Vintage Easy 10 that, thanks. Reminded me of Partridge too. "You haven't got a spoon?" also said to a geordie lad.

You've got some weird tastes though (pizza), by the end of the story I was almost gagging for a glass of wine myself, until I read you had it with some skittles!?

 

[Me and my Monkey]

I hope you and Mrs Easy have made up.

 

[dazzer6666]

https://youtu.be/0A5uFFvjGr8

 

[Me and my Monkey]

https://youtu.be/0A5uFFvjGr8

Oh wow, les Francais! Can I justify a bottle of wine for breakfast just so I can try that out?

 

[McTavish]

So I've brought this really nice red wine up with me in the car. But I've forgotten, its a bloody corkscrew job, and my corkscrew is in a drawer in Brighton.

Next time, try this:

 

[hans kraay fan club]

https://youtu.be/0A5uFFvjGr8

Brave lad, opening a bottle of red (with a shoe) wearing a white jumper.

 

[LlcoolJ]

Or you can open a bottle of wine with a key. Just insert key in cork then push down hard until a tiny bit of wine starts flowing past the cork. Drink tiny bit of wine. Repeat until cork passes neck of bottle. Job done.

 

[Chicken Run]

Slightly endulgent "cool-story-bro" I know, but...well, here we are

Drove up north and found myself in Newcastle with the missus. Had a mince around the city centre, had a few beers, went to the game. Absolutely BOUNCING after the result, went back into town, few more beers here there and everywhere, intending to go for a nice meal somewhere afterwards. Anyway, we had an absolutely maHOOsive blazing row over something or other (I honestly don't know why - I'm amazing). Anyway, she's got the major hump, no point having a meal out after tnat so we get a cab back to the hotel.

So I've brought this really nice red wine up with me in the car. But I've forgotten, its a bloody corkscrew job, and my corkscrew is in a drawer in Brighton. So I'm wanting to have this red in front of MOTD, but I've got an issue. So I walk down to reception and say "can I borrow a corkscrew ?". Not got one. Sake. But there's this little pub about 5 minutes walk away, so I think "I'll gan doon there". I take my bottle of red wine, rock up at the bar, put it down and say "2 things. Can I have a pint of Amstel, and can you open this for me ?". I get my pint, but the guy comes back and sheepishly says "we have ne'y got a bottle opener mon".

Its a pub.

"You haven't got a corkscrew ?"

Nah

FFS

I drink my pint. Alan Shearer is on in 20 minutes. I WANT my red wine in front of MOTD. Bollocks, I think. I'm going to knock on someones door. So I leave the pub, walk up the road with my bottle of red, looking for a house that has lights on downstairs. I find one, open the gate, and softly knock on the door. I knock again. The curtain moves, and some old fella peers out the window. I hold up my bottle and say "sorry to disturb you mate...but could you just open this ?". He shuffles off, opens the window a CRACK, a tiny crack, and passes a corkscrew through. I stand in his garden, with my bottle between my legs, drawing out the cork. "I'm David, I drove up from Brighton today". "Oh aye...I'm Harry".

I popped my cork, slid the screw back through the window to old Harry, doffed an imaginary cap (felt weird), and ambled back to the hotel. I think I managed about half a glass, half a bag of Skittles, and fell asleep before the third game highlights. Certainly didn't see the table.

Good times.

Did you find out the next day what the row was about?

 

[Tony Towner's Fridge]

My Sister gave me a superb bottle opener (corkscrew remover) called Zig-Zag. Stainless steel, it is a 1950s trellis type design and is beyond doubt the easiest corkscrew removal device I have ever used. Pity is of course you can't travel on aeroplanes with these things as they are deemed to be WoMD.

Glad you sorted out the bottle issue and I presume have made up with the Mrs?

TNBA

TTF

 

[hans kraay fan club]

Anyway, we had an absolutely maHOOsive blazing row over something or other (I honestly don't know why - I'm amazing).

I'm going for - you committed the SCHOOLBOY error, of getting caught GAWPING at one too many, inappropriately (under)dressed Geordie LASSES.

 

[Notters]

What's most astonishing about this story is that there hasn't been an [MENTION=1416]Ernest[/MENTION] "harry" thread yet.

 

[DavidRyder]

Wouldn't happen in Switzerland.