[Humour] “Computer says no”

[beorhthelm]

An exchange I had in a McDonald's in Croydon a few years ago:

Me - can I have a quarter pounder with cheese, with only the cheese please?
Staff - a quarter pounder with cheese without cheese?
Me - erm, no.

to be fair asking for that is weird.

 

[Notters]

We had a bit of one of these in 2019 when my wife was ~7 months pregnant and we were flying to Greece for a holiday (which was booked before she was pregnant).
We had everything meticulously planned and a signed letter from the midwife stating that she was fine to fly.
We also had all her pregnancy notes with us with the relevant dates etc. on.
They wouldn't accept the note, though, because it wasn't on headed paper!
The 'lady' from Jet 2 was pretty rude about it too.
Fortunately, the midwifes at St James' Hospital in Leeds were having a relatively quiet morning (this was at 5am) and bent over backwards to help us, faxing through a signed letter to the airport, and we just made our flight.

 

[Dave the hatosaurus]

late 80s, BT computerised the stores.
I went to the stores in Freshfield road and asked for a Viscount phone for a job. Storeman got it off the shelf, put it in front of me and tapped into his new computer. He then took it away, put it back on the shelf and said "we haven't got one".

Reading your post took me way back to when i worked in the BT stores in Worthing before computers . There was an old boy working in there called Brian whose stock answer when asked for anything other than the very most commonly used items was "NO" followed rapidly by "we haven't had any of those for 6 months" ( or 4 months or 8 months etc ! ) whether we actually had any or not ! . It got so bad in the end that people would peer through the window or pop their heads round the door and if brian was alone on the counter they wouldn't even bother coming in !

 

[studio150]

A few years ago I was in an American supermarket with my wife buying a few bits for dinner, plus a bottle of wine.

Even though I was 38 years old, and therefore absolutely no way near being an underage drinker, I was aware of Americans' love of ID, so had my passport on me as usual.

At the checkout, the girl asks to see my ID for the wine. Show her the passport. She stares at it for a while and then declares it's no good.

"But that's me, it's even not a bad photo!" I try joking.

"Oh yes, I know it's you, but we can't accept it for buying alcohol."

"Um, why not? You just agreed it's my ID, and it shows that I'm 38 years old?!"

"But it doesn't have your height and weight on it."

"My what?"

"Your height and weight. We need to have those."

Cue long discussion with her and the manager. Everybody accepts I'm 38, and that I have valid ID proving who I am, but the fact I can't prove my height and weight is an absolute deal-breaker.

I try gently pointing out that, say a passport did state someone's weight from a few years ago, there's a fair chance that person might have changed weight since then. It's hardly a permanent and irrefutable proof of identity.

But no, they're not having any of it. So age 38, carrying valid ID and being, to be honest, an upper middle class British couple clearly buying dinner, we have to leave without the wine.

Would have been more fun if the passport did include your weight and height given neither would be in the American format so another round of unnecessary conversation

 

[Sid in the Sharknado]

to be fair asking for that is weird.

I'd accept that if I meant it entirely literally (I forget my exact words now). As it is it's a common enough request that it's an option on the tills. I'll never accept that sticking all the crap that McDonald's put in a burger is anything other than weird anyway.

I always find it vaguely amusing that the self service machines give you the option to take literally everything out of a burger (so you can order a quarter pounder with cheese consisting of only a tomato if you really want to), but are unreasonably stingy on the options for what and how much extra you can add on.

 

[Notters]

A few years ago I was in an American supermarket with my wife buying a few bits for dinner, plus a bottle of wine.

Even though I was 38 years old, and therefore absolutely no way near being an underage drinker, I was aware of Americans' love of ID, so had my passport on me as usual.

At the checkout, the girl asks to see my ID for the wine. Show her the passport. She stares at it for a while and then declares it's no good.

"But that's me, it's even not a bad photo!" I try joking.

"Oh yes, I know it's you, but we can't accept it for buying alcohol."

"Um, why not? You just agreed it's my ID, and it shows that I'm 38 years old?!"

"But it doesn't have your height and weight on it."

"My what?"

"Your height and weight. We need to have those."

Cue long discussion with her and the manager. Everybody accepts I'm 38, and that I have valid ID proving who I am, but the fact I can't prove my height and weight is an absolute deal-breaker.

I try gently pointing out that, say a passport did state someone's weight from a few years ago, there's a fair chance that person might have changed weight since then. It's hardly a permanent and irrefutable proof of identity.

But no, they're not having any of it. So age 38, carrying valid ID and being, to be honest, an upper middle class British couple clearly buying dinner, we have to leave without the wine.

This was the law in California until 2010.

 

[FamilyGuy]

In the mid 1990's I made the mistake of going to work for IBM UK - it took me ten months to get out again!

Anyway, on my first day I went to the coffee shop franchise in the reception area and asked for a double shot Latte.
I was told "we're not allowed to sell double shots."
So I asked for a Latte and an Espresso, which they were happy to sell me.
I took off the lids, added the Espresso to the Latte, gave the empty Espresso cup back to the server and walked away.

I did this almost every day for the ten months that I was there.

This is the same IBM where I asked (as a new joiner) "where's my laptop?", the reply was "you have to apply for it online."
"How do I do that?"
"You sign on to the intranet, and contact <blokes name>"
"How do I do that?"
"You'll need an intranet sign on and password."
"How do I get them.?"
"You need to email <blokes name> and he'll send you one."
"How do I email him?"
"On your laptop." ............. I kid you not!

So in the end I drove to Basingstoke to see <blokes name> and he gave me a laptop.