[Humour] “Computer says no”

[bhafc99]

A few years ago I was in an American supermarket with my wife buying a few bits for dinner, plus a bottle of wine.

Even though I was 38 years old, and therefore absolutely no way near being an underage drinker, I was aware of Americans' love of ID, so had my passport on me as usual.

At the checkout, the girl asks to see my ID for the wine. Show her the passport. She stares at it for a while and then declares it's no good.

"But that's me, it's even not a bad photo!" I try joking.

"Oh yes, I know it's you, but we can't accept it for buying alcohol."

"Um, why not? You just agreed it's my ID, and it shows that I'm 38 years old?!"

"But it doesn't have your height and weight on it."

"My what?"

"Your height and weight. We need to have those."

Cue long discussion with her and the manager. Everybody accepts I'm 38, and that I have valid ID proving who I am, but the fact I can't prove my height and weight is an absolute deal-breaker.

I try gently pointing out that, say a passport did state someone's weight from a few years ago, there's a fair chance that person might have changed weight since then. It's hardly a permanent and irrefutable proof of identity.

But no, they're not having any of it. So age 38, carrying valid ID and being, to be honest, an upper middle class British couple clearly buying dinner, we have to leave without the wine.

 

[The Optimist]

A few years ago I was in an American supermarket with my wife buying a few bits for dinner, plus a bottle of wine.

Even though I was 38 years old, and therefore absolutely no way near being an underage drinker, I was aware of Americans' love of ID, so had my passport on me as usual.

At the checkout, the girl asks to see my ID for the wine. Show her the passport. She stares at it for a while and then declares it's no good.

"But that's me, it's even not a bad photo!" I try joking.

"Oh yes, I know it's you, but we can't accept it for buying alcohol."

"Um, why not? You just agreed it's my ID, and it shows that I'm 38 years old?!"

"But it doesn't have your height and weight on it."

"My what?"

"Your height and weight. We need to have those."

Cue long discussion with her and the manager. Everybody accepts I'm 38, and that I have valid ID proving who I am, but the fact I can't prove my height and weight is an absolute deal-breaker.

I try gently pointing out that, say a passport did state someone's weight from a few years ago, there's a fair chance that person might have changed weight since then. It's hardly a permanent and irrefutable proof of identity.

But no, they're not having any of it. So age 38, carrying valid ID and being, to be honest, an upper middle class British couple clearly buying dinner, we have to leave without the wine.

So most ID in the USA does give your height and weight? Why?

 

[Seasider78]

I was once trying to grab some cheap shoes for an interview so went to one of those shoe express type outlets. Found a box that was reduced but inside was the right foot of the shoe I liked in my size but the left foot of another shoe two sizes larger and a different colour. I explained to the guy serving (who was also the store manager) what I had found in the box , that it looked like they had got mixed up and if they had the other missing shoe of the one I liked. He then very seriously went onto explain that them being a mismatch was why they were reduced. I asked him ‘so you are selling these in the hope someone comes in with two different size feet and does not mind wearing different coloured shoes on each’ to which he replied ‘you would be surprised we do sell some from that section’

 

[Berty23]

As silly as it seems, the Radiographer would have been following protocol here and wouldn't be able to overrule what the doctor had asked for, so they were doing the right thing by going back to check.

I had surgery many years ago on my left knee, and despite having many consultations with the surgeon beforehand, 5 minutes before the operation he asked me which knee it was that needed surgery. Quite unsettling, and even more so when he proceeded to draw a big arrow on my leg to indicate which one it was - you'd hope they would know at this point!

However I later found out that they have to do this with every patient due to the very rare but terrifying occasion when someone has had the wrong limb operated on due to a mistake in the notes.

Yeah it was obviously protocol and they had to do it. That is why I plumped for the “computer says no” title. It was just surreal because one hand was completely undamaged and one was battered and bruised with cuts all over it. It was quite amusing and eventually he and the doctor apologised.

I remember having a massive arrow drawn on my ankle a few years ago to show which one was damaged. It was the one that was four times the size of the other one. Stuff like this really amuses me but as you say it is obviously because things do go wrong.

 

[sully]

I’ve just also remembered my New York Yankees beer purchasing fiasco as well.

I wasn’t as aware as others about needing ID, so just went to get a drink. It was the middle of a heatwave and we’d not been allowed to bring our water bottles in (for a very Barber-esque reason).

Having been initially refused service without ID, I asked what ID would be acceptable. “Whatever you need to buy alcohol back in your country” was the reply from the seller, who was aghast when I told her I didn’t need any in the UK.

She still wouldn’t let me have a drink, though, and her only alternative was Pepsi, which I can’t stand.

 

[dazzer6666]

When I left my last job, I’d (as required) logged a job with IT to have my laptop collected……..I got a time/date sent to me, but they never showed up. All of my access had rightly been revoked by that point. I contacted our team administrator who got them to call me.

‘I need you to log on and confirm the details from the job request in the system’

‘I’ve left, my access has been revoked’

‘Ah, right, Understood, so if you could just forward me the email I can deal with it’

‘The email is in my Outlook account on your systems’

‘Great - please send it through’

‘My access has been revoked, I can’t’

‘Ah, OK, I see. So what are you going to do about getting your laptop returned then ?’

‘It’s your laptop, if you don’t collect it in the next 2 weeks I’m taking it to the tip’.

 

[Hampden Park]

i went into argos to purchase an over 18 xbox game for my son (he was over 18) the young lady at the till asked me for ID in order for me to purchase the said game. i responded 'young lady i am fifty f@cking 8, i appreciate i do not look my age but are you serious?'. she was! i had to produce my driving license in order to prove my age. absolute bollox.

 

[KeegansHairPiece]

She said "No" with a quizzical look on her face, like she had no idea what was wrong with the conversation.

Mainly students aren’t they, you just get in a zone like an autopilot where you may as well be an Android.

I worked behind a bar and would completely switch off. A customer asked for a ‘sloe gin & tonic’ - my regulars started pissing themselves as no doubt they saw my blank face, and as I turned round and poured normal gin really slowly into the glass, much laughter ensued which had to be explained to me thereafter.

 

[pasty]

Also remember being in a cafe in Luxembourg with my ex, my brother and his wife who was vegetarian. The menu included a ham and mushroom omelette or a ham and cheese omelette. Being a veggie my brothers wife asked if she could have a cheese and mushroom omelette. You can guess the rest.....

 

[Southern Scouse]

There must be loads of brilliant examples from the middle aged bods on here. How about this to get us started? Not strictly “computer says no” but very close.

My 11 year old daughter fell off her bike coming home from school and we are currently at hospital to get it looked at. We are FINALLY waiting for the X-ray results. Why do I say finally? Well…she went in for the X-ray and a few moments later the bloke popped his head out and said “it is right hand isn’t it?” To which I said “no left” to which he looked confused and said “your daughter said that but the doctor has told me right hand so I will do that one” I laughed as I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. I said “it is obviously the left hand because that is the one that is battered, cut and bruised” he said “I need to get this approved by the doctor”.

About 15 sodding minutes waiting for him to get the go ahead to X-ray the hand she can’t move rather than the one that is absolutely fine.

Outstanding example of missing common sense is this world.

There must be others from the wise folk on here!

Yes that would have been the Dr who is at the end of an 18 hour shift looking at another 9 day stretch.
That wait must have been awful as well, don’t worry about the thousands of possible cancer patients who have been put to the back of the que because of covid.
Covid, don’t worry, the NHS and dr’s are probably to blame for that as well, but I’m sure your happy with the 3% pay rise and the 1.25% increase in national insurance which will need to be deducted.
Before you start wondering why the dr made a mistake have a look at the clinic, the professionals running it and how much you paid over the counter for it.
Forgive me if I didn’t get the gist of your post, but perhaps you should think before you put your totally SHIT post on paper you moron.
(Yes, I do work for the NHS)

 

[DavidinSouthampton]

As silly as it seems, the Radiographer would have been following protocol here and wouldn't be able to overrule what the doctor had asked for, so they were doing the right thing by going back to check.

I had surgery many years ago on my left knee, and despite having many consultations with the surgeon beforehand, 5 minutes before the operation he asked me which knee it was that needed surgery. Quite unsettling, and even more so when he proceeded to draw a big arrow on my leg to indicate which one it was - you'd hope they would know at this point!

However I later found out that they have to do this with every patient due to the very rare but terrifying occasion when someone has had the wrong limb operated on due to a mistake in the notes.

I had exactly this two years ago for a hip replacement. All gowned up and ready to go anfd talking to the surgeon first thing in the morning, and I ended up with more ink on m right leg than you can imagine

 

[DavidinSouthampton]

i went into argos to purchase an over 18 xbox game for my son (he was over 18) the young lady at the till asked me for ID in order for me to purchase the said game. i responded 'young lady i am fifty f@cking 8, i appreciate i do not look my age but are you serious?'. she was! i had to produce my driving license in order to prove my age. absolute bollox.

I appreciate your son was over 18, but this reminded me that at waitrose the training is that if a parent (or an other adult) is at the checkout and buying a film DVD or a game or something which is over 18 and it is very obviously for their underage offspring, you refuse to sell it to them.

 

[rippleman]

Yes that would have been the Dr who is at the end of an 18 hour shift looking at another 9 day stretch.
That wait must have been awful as well, don’t worry about the thousands of possible cancer patients who have been put to the back of the que because of covid.
Covid, don’t worry, the NHS and dr’s are probably to blame for that as well, but I’m sure your happy with the 3% pay rise and the 1.25% increase in national insurance which will need to be deducted.
Before you start wondering why the dr made a mistake have a look at the clinic, the professionals running it and how much you paid over the counter for it.
Forgive me if I didn’t get the gist of your post, but perhaps you should think before you put your totally SHIT post on paper you moron.
(Yes, I do work for the NHS)

Wow!

Somebody got out of the grumpy side of the bed this morning.

Your clue is in the prefix "HUMOUR"!! You know the thing that gives us a bit of a giggle now and again when the rest of life is pretty shit. Your abuse of the OP is just so over the top. Suggest you avoid the humour threads.

 

[Green Cross Code Man]

But no, they're not having any of it. So age 38, carrying valid ID and being, to be honest, an upper middle class British couple clearly buying dinner, we have to leave without the wine.

I like your story but what does your perception of social status have to do with anything?

 

[essbee1]

In my younger days I used to drink Leffe. I know, big mistake, but I soon learnt my lesson.

Anyway, I walked into a pub in London and asked for a pint of Leffe.
The barstaff said: "Sorry, we only sell that in halves"
I said: "ok, I'll have two halves of Leffe then please".
Barstaff said: "I can put it in a pint glass for you if you want".

 

[happypig]

late 80s, BT computerised the stores.
I went to the stores in Freshfield road and asked for a Viscount phone for a job. Storeman got it off the shelf, put it in front of me and tapped into his new computer. He then took it away, put it back on the shelf and said "we haven't got one".

 

[Green Cross Code Man]

In my younger days I used to drink Leffe. I know, big mistake, but I soon learnt my lesson.

Anyway, I walked into a pub in London and asked for a pint of Leffe.
The barstaff said: "Sorry, we only sell that in halves"
I said: "ok, I'll have two halves of Leffe then please".
Barstaff said: "I can put it in a pint glass for you if you want".

When I was younger and used to go to McDonald's, I used to ask for 15 nuggets. The staff would invariably reply 'we don't do 15 nuggets' and I would then say 'would it be possible to have 9 and 6 nuggets then?' There would always be a short pause for the maths to sink in and then 'yes we can do that'. [emoji2357]

 

[pasty]

In my younger days I used to drink Leffe. I know, big mistake, but I soon learnt my lesson.

Anyway, I walked into a pub in London and asked for a pint of Leffe.
The barstaff said: "Sorry, we only sell that in halves"
I said: "ok, I'll have two halves of Leffe then please".
Barstaff said: "I can put it in a pint glass for you if you want".

East Lower at The Amex, post match, my round...myself and a friend go to the kiosk.....

Me: Can I have five pints of Fosters please?
Server: Sorry no, I can only serve a maximum of 4 per person.
Me: Ok, can I have 3 and him have 2 please?
Server: Sure

 

[Sid in the Sharknado]

Last night at football, I had queued for some time waiting to squeeze in a quick pint and a bite to eat after a hurried rush from work.
When I got to the front, I could see they were running low on some things and looked like they were out of other things, this was the conversation that followed:

Me - "pint and a burger please"
Girl - "Plain burger or cheeseburger?"
Me - "Oh, you still have cheeseburgers?"
Girl - "No"

An exchange I had in a McDonald's in Croydon a few years ago:

Me - can I have a quarter pounder with cheese, with only the cheese please?
Staff - a quarter pounder with cheese without cheese?
Me - erm, no.

 

[ConfusedGloryHunter]

Last night at football, I had queued for some time waiting to squeeze in a quick pint and a bite to eat after a hurried rush from work.
When I got to the front, I could see they were running low on some things and looked like they were out of other things, this was the conversation that followed:

Me - "pint and a burger please"
Girl - "Plain burger or cheeseburger?"
Me - "Oh, you still have cheeseburgers?"
Girl - "No"

Maybe she was a fan of the Monty Python Cheese shop sketch? Please tell me they didn't have plain burgers either. Or beer.