Clean stuff for some after dinner Christmas stand up

[seagullwedgee]

I've been asked to do 20 minutes after dinner stand up early in the New Year, but it needs to be reasonably clean.

Can the good folk of NSC share some material that I might be able to use? I'm not talking christmas cracker type gags, it can be suggestive but cannot use any F, C or other such swear words.

My favourite of the day was found on another board - someone gave me one of those german sausages for christmas, it was the wurst bloody present I've ever had.

That sort of stuff, tuck in.........

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

My daughter wanted Divorcee Barbie for Xmas. I went to Hamleys and was shocked to find that Divorcee Barbie was almost twice the price of all the other Barbies on display. When I asked at Customer Services why this was, I was informed that it comes with Ken's House and Ken's Car.

 

[seagullwedgee]

I asked my nine year old niece what she got for christmas and she said "I got Barbie and Action Man".

I said "Barbie and Action Man? I thought Barbie came with Ken".

She said "No, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with Action Man".

 

[Nathan]

What had three legs and used to live on a farm... Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.

 

[Marshal Josip Tito]

Got one of them Amazon Ken Doll's for Christmas. He looks more like Tarzan

(Ken doll sounds like Kindle - GEDDIT?)

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

My new year's resolution for 2011 is to stop leaving everything so late.

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

Someone threw a rock at me today and hit my spine. So I threw one at them and got my own back. Don't know how I managed that.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

My new year's resolution for 2011 is to stop leaving everything so late.

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

Never do a runner from a Kenyan Restaurant.

 

[happypig]

I got given an empty box for Christmas. Apparently it's Action Man Deserter.

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

Who ever invented the "Knock- Knock jokes" should get a No-bell prize

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

I applied for a job as a philosopher today. They asked me "Why can you start?"

 

[Marshal Josip Tito]

Never do a runner from a Kenyan Restaurant.

Because he's probably got AIDS









What?

 

[seagullwedgee]

My young lad is studying Philospohy at Uni. I asked him how his exam went and he said "It was a piece of cake..."

"Which was a bit of a surprise because I was expecting a piece of paepr with some questions on it".

 

[Bry Nylon]

Grandma: What do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas, dear?
Granddaughter: I don't won't anything for Christmas this year, Grandma. I want to give my Christmas money to charity.
Grandmother: What a lovely idea. Who do you want to give your Christmas money to?
Granddaugher: All those poor little girls and boys with no clothes on Granddad's's computer.

 

[terryberry1]

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

 

[pipkin112]

I'm giving my wife something for christmas that will spice up my sex life.....


A divorce.




I really hope she doesn't read this.

 

[terryberry1]

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

In 20-30 years, the hardest things our kids will have to do will be finding a user name that hasn't already been taken.

 

[terryberry1]

I've got nothing against the Chinese. Don't get me Wong