Classic Simpsons lines

[Jason Speaks]

(Homer has been up all night guarding his sugar pile)
Marge: Homer your just being paranoid.
Homer: Oh am I marge, am really. Ahah.
(Pulls a stereotypically middle class english character from behind the sugar mound)
Man: Hulloooo.
Homer: And what do you think you're doing?
Man: Just having a spot of tea old boy.
Homer: And where did you get the sugar from?
Man: I stole it from you. when you let your guard down for that brief moment..... and I'd do it again. (Finishes his tea) Good day.
(He goes)
Homer: You see Marge, you see.
Marge: Give up that SUGAR!!!
Homer: NEVER!!!

Just so absurd it's hillarious

 

[Guinness Boy]

From my favourite, the Mark Hammill / Bodyguard episode when Homer's being attacked in the restaurant

"Use the forks!"

 

[Ex Shelton Seagull]

A few from one of my favourite episodes

Mr Burns get's a little confused at the "worker of the week" awards
"Compadres. It is imperative that we crush the rebels before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya."

Scientist "Maybe it's time to tell them the truth, that all the monkeys we sent into space came back super-intelligent."
Chair swivels round to reveal a chimp dressed in a suit, smoking a pipe.
Chimp (in arrogant English accent) "No gentlemen. I don't believe we'll be telling them that."

Reporter "Don't you think there's an enormous risk in sending totally unqualified people into space?"
Homer "I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible planet of the Apes. Wait a minute..Statue of Liberty.....That was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Homer "Woo-hoo! Default! The two sweetest words in the Eglish language!"

Buzz Aldrin "So Barney, we hear you're really kicking ass."
Homer "Er excuse me "Buzz", if that is your real name. I believe there's still the small matter of the swimsuit competition."
Controller "Oh Homer, there's no swimsuit competition."
Homer "You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?"

Homer "You're right Marge. It's like the time I could have seen Mr T at the mall. All day I kept saying i'll go a little later, i'll go a little later. Then when I got there, he'd gone. And when I asked the mall guy if he'd be back (sobbing) he said he didn't know."

Kent Brockman "We've lost the signal but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has been taken over, "conquered" if you will, by a race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point if they will enslave the captive earthmen or merely consume them. One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them. The ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality I can be instrumental in rounding up others to toil in their sugar mines."

Brockman "Er..it appears this reporter was...a little hasty earlier and would, er, like to reaffirm his allegience to this country and its human president. It's not perfect but it's the best we've got. For now."

 

[Jason Speaks]

Also from deep space Homer.

NASA official: Gentleman, you've both worked very hard and in a way you are both winners.....but in another, more accurate way, Barney is the winner.

 

[Blue&WhiteSea]

ralph wiggum: "my knob tastes funny"

Best line ever

 

[Seagullmatt]

Not sure of the exact words but it's the moment from the 'Bad Cops' show when Wiggum calls in a stolen car.

Suspect is driving a....... car
Heading in the direction of .. you know, that place that sells (Blank.)
Suspect is hatless, repeat, hatless.

 

[crasher]

Another great Wiggum moment;

"Nothing to see here folks, move along, nothing to see....Oh Wait! Look at that horrible plane crash!"

 

[Captain Pugwash]

when bart opens an atlas homer looks and it and laughs:ha, look at this country, it's called u r gay

 

[Donny Osmond]

Homer:
Now I'm not usually a praying man, but if your'e out there please rescue me superman.

 

[Titanic]

Another Chief Wiggum favourite... Homer, in the food gourmet episode, the poisoned donut...

"Thank God it landed in that smoking crater"

 

[Ex Shelton Seagull]

A Burns classic

Burns "Stop everything! I didn't write any cheques for bowling!"
Smithers "No Sir, that's boweling. That's very important."
Burns "Oh yes."
Smithers "Remember that monkey didn't do it?"
Burns "Yes, that was unpleasant for all concerned."

 

[Lady Whistledown]

Mayor Quimby (to assembled crowd awaiting Leonard Nimoy)

"And, uh, may the force be with you"

Leonard Nimoy "Do you even know who I am?"

And (in the same episode)

Marge: I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of?

Homer: What, like a giant billboard that says "No Fat Chicks"?

And (when Homer gets too fat to work and gets a home workstation set up)

Automated voice: "The fingers you are using to dial are too fat. To order a special dialing wand, mash the keypad with your palm, now."

 

[Titanic]

And (when Homer gets too fat to work and gets a home workstation set up)

Automated voice: "The fingers you are using to dial are too fat. To order a special dialing wand, mash the keypad with your palm, now."

 

[Ex Shelton Seagull]

Hello and welcome to the Springfield Police Departments Rescue-fone! If you know the name of the crime being committed press one! To choose from a list of crimes press two! If you are being murdered or calling from rotary phone please stay on the line!

Bart frantically presses some random numbers

You have selected Regicide! If you know the name of the King or Queen being murdered, press one!

 

[Lady Whistledown]

when you pull the string on the back of the Malibu Stacy doll....

"Don't ask me, I'm just a girl!" (giggles)

 

[US Seagull]

Smithers computer's screen saver of a naked Mr Burns in the Malibu Stacy episode.

Computer (as Mr Burns): Smithers, you are quite good at turning me on.

Smithers (to Lisa): errmm...you should probably just ignore that.

 

[Vinyl Richie]

don't know if it's been used cos it's a long thread but my best ever line is when Homer is over excited cos he has seen a tramopline for sale in the paper, and he losses all control of his voice.


Homer spots "FREE TRAMPOLINE, 534 Center St."

Homer: Oh my God!
Lisa: What is it?
Homer: Tram-mam-poline, tramp-pamp-poline!! [runs out]
Bart: He said what now?
Marge: Please, don't bring home any more old crutches!

 

[Jason Speaks]

From the Simpson Tide.

Naval commander: Alright Simpson you don't like me and I don't like you.
Homer: I like you.
Naval commander: Alright you like me but I don't like you.
Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me.
Naval commander: What are you a comedian.
Homer: Well I do do a mean columbo.
(Tries the impression)
Homer: Wait a second I need a glass of water.

Captain: Are their any questions?
Homer: Is the poop deck what I think it is?
Captain: (laughs) I like the cut of your jib.
Homer: What's a jib.
Captain: Promote that man.

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

when Homer and Apu have a fight about something:

Apu : Get out of my shop!! (homer leaves).. Come again!

when Mr Burns sings "see my vest" to the tune of "be our guest" from beauty and the beast


and finally (for the time being!) when homer tries to send the hamster into space, and the rocket blows up, leaving nelsons eyebrows stuck to Barts sideburns, bart says in an english accent

Bart : Alright Guvna!

 

[Titanic]

Bart (in classic cockney urchin stylee): "You mean it's not me noggin, it's me peepers!"