[Humour] Christmas JOKES thread

[Zeberdi]

 

[Brok]

*YOU'RE*

 

[Coldeanseagull]

Getting a sweater for Christmas.
I really wanted a screamer or a moaner

 

[Paulie Gualtieri]

 

[B-right-on]

What did Santa do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker!

 

[hart's shirt]

Despite asking for a dictionary this Christmas, apparently I'm not going to receive one.

I'm not just upset. I'm at a loss for words.

 

[Taybha]

Brighton And Hove Albion sign a Striker !

Boom Boom.

Merry Christmas you filthy animals

 

[Jack Straw]

...

 

[KZNSeagull]

What's the difference Snowmen and SnowWomen?

Snowballs

 

[Brok]

I've just been sacked from the Christmas Show at Alton Towers.
I wonder if I can sue them for funfair dismissal?

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

BBC weather is predicting snow in Moscow on Christmas Day. The Russian state forecaster predicts otherwise. I know which one I'd trust more. Rudolf the Red knows rain dear

 

[banjo]

What hides in a bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

 

[5Ways Gull]

The local nail bar invited us around for Christmas Dinner but they were serving turkey with all the trimmings. Put us off a bit.

 

[Zeberdi]

*YOU'RE*

SORU

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

Two Snowmen stood next to each other.
One says; "can you smell carrots?"

 

[Hugo Rune]

 

[Gabbafella]

I remember laying in bed waiting for Santa to come.....​

Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.​

 

[Mr Bridger]

Just bought the missus her Christmas presents.
I got her a pair of fluffy slippers and a dildo.
If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*** herself!

 

[Hugo Rune]

What is it with this need for sick musicals?

First this:

And now this:

Oh, and I bet Prince Andrew is a ‘kind man with a sense of humour’ too. Disgusting.

 

[Popeye]