Best man speech

[shoreham moonraker]

I did one a couple of years ago and it went along these lines....

"I have asked all my friends for advice on this speech and they all pointed me to various best man websites, so i would like to apologise if you have heard any of this before."

I then read out someone elses speech in full and didnt change the names or any of the facts, it was so ridiculous that it went down a storm, such lines as " we both met in primary school we bonded as we were the only black kids in our class" (we are both white)and i got the whole room to toast Paul and Linda Robson whoever they are.

 

[essbee]

moonraker - that is funny.

 

[Chesney Christ]

First of all, I'm sure you'd all agree that *bride* looks simply stunning today... applause.... as opposed to *groom*, who just looks simple and stunned.

 

[Cheshire Cat]

[yt]S6GPicVYCvs[/yt]

 

[Rowdey]

Under pressure in reciprocating the favour of a <good> best mans speech, here's my offering's..

The first two I really liked - Both are early doors ice breakers too, and went down a treat.

BM to Groom - "I just need to return this <House brick> as I believe you left it in the toilet earlier.."

and

BM - (Initially to the back of room, then casting look towards the front) - "Can everyone hear me?
Stooge (at the front): "Yes, but I don't mind switching with someone who can't…."

(Above obviously at your expense, but made the stooge look pretty snappy to boot..)

Next two near end of speech, and not so confident initially, but heck i was on a roll..!

BM - "The brides father told me a little story earlier, that when she was a baby, her favourite thing in the world was her dummy. Nearly 30 years on, it’s great that she’s found *groom*…"

BM - "Chatting late last night, the *groom* said, " I want to be a model husband, and I want to be a model lover!"
Being married myself; I had to look up "model" in the dictionary.
It said "A small miniature replica of the real thing!"

T'was a tough crowd, but all came sailing through..

Good luck, and do remember everyone does want to laugh at/with you - go for it.

*
I chucked this in there too - the groom was fuming - the bride, her mother & father and guests, thought it hilario..

"...and our friend Jack Daniels, led to an interesting conversation with a lady of the night..

Now we all now that David genuinely just wanted to how much the tariff was, and no more.
But the poor lady mistook his early morning friendliness, and sent him on his way with the words – You’re a good looking boy, go and find yourself a nice girl..’..
Dave’s search continued…
*

 

[Whitterz]

Dont get your cock out during the speech.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

I thought about asking "Can everyone hear me at the front?" and then asking them to summarise for those at the back later.

 

[drew]

I've been asked to look over a few in the past couple of years and I think the biggest mistake is writing the whole thing down and reading from a sheet with far too many poor/obvious gags.

Afraid I tend to disagree. Been a best man 3 times and groom once. Think you should write the whole thing down and practice. Change it as you practice it out loud so that it flows. Also, print it in large font so you don't have to hold any paper up to your face. If you practice enough, you should know most of it off by heart so you can reduce to bullet points. Depends on how much of a confident speaker you are. The less confidence, the more you need to write down. However, be prepared to ad lib, especially if anyone shouts out.
Having said that, as a starter for ten, I am going with either...

"I thought I should keep this speech to a short address. Something I was trying to convince DB the bridesmaids should wear"

or

"A Vicar once told me the secret to deciding the length of a sermon, or speech in this instance, should correlate to the length of a ladies skirt. Short enough to arouse interest. Long enough to cover the essentials".

Would think that it would sound better if it was 'long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to arouse interest'.

Final bit of advice is not to rely on jokes you get from the internet as some bright spark at the reception, maybe more than one, will have heard them all before.

The very very final bit of advice is to try and enjoy it. The first time I was best man I was pissing myself. Arrangements went tits up and I ended up driving so couldn't drink. Also only knew about 4 people at the wedding which didn't help. For the record, they are divorced.

 

[fire&skill]

Scan a load of images of the happy couple from way back when and show them while you read out amusing captions - eg a picture of the bride as a young girl standing next to a Guard outside Buck House in the 1970s could have the hilarious, 'Susan has always loved a man with a big shiny helmet'. It's what my best man did for me and my mother in law still LOLs about it even to this day!

 

[John Bumlick]

[yt]lXpmHuCE9Ls[/yt]

 

[Gully]

Comment about reading from a script is spot on, I went to a wedding where the bride, groom and best man all read verbatim from sheets of paper, it looked and sounded bloody awful...a bit like watching someone read the news off an auto-cue, but far less entertaining. It is far better to practice the speech loads of times, then reduce it to a few key words on a small piece of card, this is what I did when I was best man and it seemed to flow pretty well...plus you can ad lib a bit if you lose your way. The other thing is timing, I was told that the best man speech should only be five minutes long, also that you shouldn't tell any jokes at the expense of anyone other than yourself...also pretty sound advice.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Would think that it would sound better if it was 'long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to arouse interest'.

Final bit of advice is not to rely on jokes you get from the internet as some bright spark at the reception, maybe more than one, will have heard them all before.

The very very final bit of advice is to try and enjoy it. The first time I was best man I was pissing myself. Arrangements went tits up and I ended up driving so couldn't drink. Also only knew about 4 people at the wedding which didn't help. For the record, they are divorced.

Definitely not using any internet jokes, apart from perhaps that quote about sermons, although I did find that in 'Pass the Port' - an after dinner speech book that has been lying around for about thirty years.

I've always thought that content is not as essential as the delivery and being a bit of a comic thespian (strictly amateur) is an advantage. I've come up with plenty of material from scratch.

Mustn't forget to thank the bridesmaids!

 

[Lord Bracknell]

Don't do what I once did at the wedding of two very good friends of mine.

Call the bride by the name of the groom's FORMER wife.

I still shudder.

 

[GNF on Tour]

I thought about asking "Can everyone hear me at the front?" and then asking them to summarise for those at the back later.

Yeah, I wouldn't if I were you.

 

[Dick Knights Mumm]

Don't do what I once did at the wedding of two very good friends of mine.

Call the bride by the name of the groom's FORMER wife.

I still shudder.

Noooooooooooooo.

Nightmare.

 

[Monsieur Le Plonk]

Don't do what I once did at the wedding of two very good friends of mine.

Call the bride by the name of the groom's FORMER wife.

I still shudder.

Did you let it roll and pass it off as a sublime bit of humour......or did you quietly smoulder and die?

 

[lost in london]

"It is a tradition in (the Groom's family) that the Best man's speech doesn't last any longer than it takes for the Groom to make love to his wife on their Wedding Night................so cheers everyone!" Then sit down (get up again after the laughter has died down)

Well before the speeches, secretly give out 6x old door keys to random men of all ages/sizes who are in the audience. Tell them to keep them secret but to listen out for their cue in your speech.
In the speech say something about how the bride has lived an active social life but is now committed to her husband - so if there is anyone in the audience who still has a key to her batchelor pad, please now put them in this bowl (place bowl on table) and we'll say no more about it.
Cue 6x men of various ages who (hopefully amidst plenty of laughter) come to the front of the room and deposit the keys.
Wait for laughter to stop, and then st up (in advance) another guy to nip forward, pick up a key put it in his pocket and give a thumbs up to the bride (cue laughter again).......then continue with speech.

Both of these are tried and tested............

Please god, for all that is good in this world do not do either of those. One of the most skin crawlingly nightmarish few minutes of my life was spent watching a best man at a wedding turning out that hackneyed old load of bollocks with the keys.

 

[FamilyGuy]

Please god, for all that is good in this world do not do either of those. One of the most skin crawlingly nightmarish few minutes of my life was spent watching a best man at a wedding turning out that hackneyed old load of bollocks with the keys.

I must admit that it as a few years ago when I first saw it used - so it may be "old hat" by now - just trying to help.

 

[little al]

I wrote mine in a poem, went down a storm.

 

[Simster]

Don't do what I once did at the wedding of two very good friends of mine.

Call the bride by the name of the groom's FORMER wife.

I still shudder.

For FUCKS sake.