best alan partridge scene

[Stumpy Tim]

I think the Watership Alan one :

Alan: You’re joining me, Alan Partridge, and Peter Baxendale Thomas of the Norfolk Farmer’s Union. Now, yesterday I, sort of, trod in a rather large farmer’s pat when I made some comments about intensive farming. Where did I go wrong?
Peter: Well I think your comments were ill founded. They were deeply ignorant, they showed a complete lack of understanding of modern agricultural methods, and simply served to highlight the sort of intense stupidity that farmers encounter from armchair pundits who forget to think before they open their mouths. But with a full and frank apology that you’re about to give us this morning I’m sure you can dig yourself out of this rather ugly hole.
[Alan has looked increasingly irritated throughout Peter’s speech. He now forces a smile.]
Alan: Yeah. Erm, sorry. Er, do you have any requests, anybody you want to say hello to, or…?
Peter: Look, I’m just trying to say that when you make ignorant comments like you did the other day, you serve simply to alarm the public and inflame the farmers, which is exactly what you’ve done. Why don’t you just apologise and make it nice and simple –
[Alan interrupts Peter with a loud impression of a cow’s moo.]
Alan: Thought that’d fool you. You could talk the hind-legs off a donkey. But your donkeys are probably born without hind legs because of all the chemicals you put in their… chips.
Peter: Alan, I don’t have donkeys. And even if I did I wouldn’t feed them chips. This is exactly the sort of rubbish you came up with the other day when you talked about putting a spine in a bap.
Alan: I admit that was a mistake. I shouldn’t have said bap.
Peter: Well, good. Well, that’s a start.
Alan: Well, no, I should have said baguette. Because a spinal column would fit in a baguette.
Peter: Listen, you’ve upset half the farmers in this community. You seem to alienate everybody you come across, including, I gather, your wife, which is why you end up living like some bloody tramp in a lay-by.
Alan: It’s a travel tavern.
Peter: I don’t care what you call your sordid little grief-hole. It makes no difference to me. The fact is that an awful lot of my colleagues are –
Alan: [Interrupting] Are farmyard animals, yes.
Peter: You’re talking about my friends, here.
Alan: I’ve probably got more friends than you’ve got cows.
Peter: This is ridiculous.
Alan: How many cows have you got?
Peter: I’ve got a hundred cattle.
Alan: Yeah, I’ve got a hundred and four friends.
Peter: I don’t see what this is going to gain you. Why don’t you just issue a frank and full retraction of what you said, and you’ll get yourself out of a lot of silly bother.
Alan: Yeah, you are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth.
Peter: I don’t think it’s got anything to do with class –
Alan: And the plums have mutated and they’ve got beaks.
Peter: Beaks?
Alan: Yes, beaks.
Peter: Have you got any more of this, or do you want to stop at quacking plums?
Alan: No, no. You make pigs smoke.
Peter: I want to know where you think you earned the right to go swanning off on these ludicrous flights of –
Alan: Ah, swans. You feed beefburgers to swans.
Peter: Do I?
Alan: Yes, you do.
Peter: All right, well, perhaps you can tell me what’s wrong with feeding beefburgers to swans?
Alan: What?
Peter: Well if you fill a swan’s stomach up with beefburgers it’s full of fat and it’ll float better. That’s why we do it.
Alan: Really?
Peter: No, you complete cretin. I’m just contributing to this total farce. What else are you going to accuse me of?
Alan: I’ll tell you what. You farmers, you don’t like outsiders, do you? You like to stick to your own.
Peter: What do you mean by that?
Alan: I’ve seen the big-eared boys on farms.
Peter: Oh, for goodness’ sake.
Alan: If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there’s a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who’s also your brother.
Peter: Look, have I got anything else to say here or shall I go?
Alan: Well, listen, I’ll tell you what the point is. You have big sheds, but nobody’s allowed in, and inside these big sheds are twenty-foot high chickens. Because of all the chemicals you put in them.
[While Alan talks, Peter shakes his head, gathers his stuff together, and goes to leave.]
Alan: And these chickens are scared. They don’t know why they’re so big. They go “oh why am I so massive?” And they’re looking down on all the other little chickens, and they think they’re in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small… do you deny that? [Peter has left] No. His silence, I think, speaks volumes.
[Lynn enters the room. Alan gestures furiously at her to take Peter’s seat. She does.]
Alan: And… and basically, do you agree that everything I’ve said thus far is completely correct?
Lynn: Yes.
[Alan mouthes “lower”, and gestures.]
Lynn: [In a deep voice] Yes.
Alan: And do you also run over badgers in your tractor, for fun?
Lynn: Yes.
Alan: Thank you, Peter Baxendale Thomas. This is T’Pau.

Spot on - the best by a mile

 

[Simster]

The lead up to WC1994, "boof! shit! Thrikaaaaaaa!" etc.

The bit where the cow gets thrown at him.

The french exchange KMKY where it transpires they've all been on the piss and not invited him.

 

[alan partridge]

the football one was a shocking omission of mine. then again you can't have everything

the farewell party at the end of iap1 is amazing to

Michael: So, er, who are you?

Mike: Oh, Mike Sampson.

[Mike and Michael shake hands.]

Mike: Nice to meet you.

Michael: Oh, hey, I’m Michael an’ all!

Mike: Oh!

[Mike and Michael laugh. Alan and Lynn join in, rather less enthusiastically.]

Michael: So, have you got a job?

Mike: Oh, yes, yes. I supply fitted kitchens.

Michael: Oh, aye?

Mike: The funny thing is, that I’ve been in the business for fifteen years, but I can’t actually cook!

[Michael laughs heartily. Lynn and Alan chuckle slightly.]

Mike: You see a cookery book here, it wouldn’t be much use to me!

[Michael laughs again.]

Michael: Mr. Partridge, he said he sells kitchens, right, for fifteen year’, but he cannot cook!

Alan: [Smiling] I know, I heard him, yeah.

Michael: Then, right, he sees the cook book, and he says "that’d be no good to me, that, would it?"

Alan: [His smile fading] I know, I heard him.

Michael: Ah, come on, lighten up, you stuffy get.



another favourite scene of mine is when he visits the petrol staion when he's bored at the travel tavern

Alan: Hello?

[He stands in the middle of the lobby, looking anxiously around.]

Alan: [Calling] I’m just going for a walk. The petrol station. Get some windscreen washer fluid. [Louder] Anyone want to join me? [Quietly] Right. [Shouting] Breath of fresh air!?

[He leaves. Cut to a busy duel carriageway. Alan is strolling down the hard shoulder, singing.]

Alan: Goldfinger, he’s the man, the man with the Midas touch / A spider’s touch

[Cut to a shot of outside the petrol station shop. Alan enters, and we hear his voice from inside.]

Alan: [Singing] Such a cold finger… hands up! Give me all your petrol.

Attendant: What?

Alan: Just a joke. Have you got any windscreen washer fluid?

Attendant: Yeah.

Alan: I’ll have, er, twelve bottles, please.

Attendant: OK.

Alan: Nice array of pasties you’ve got today.

Attendant: Oh, thank you.

Alan: I don’t want one, I’m just making smalltalk.

Attendant: That’s thirty-one twenty, please.

Alan: Fancy a pint later on?

Attendant: No, thanks.

Alan: [Quickly] No, neither do I. Thank you.

 

[Lord Cornwallis]

Judging the veg, at the village fate.

 

[alan partridge]

fire! fire! the fair's on fire!

 

[Trigger]

His constant Deportivo updates

 

[alan partridge]

 

[Exiled in Exeter]

Either the one where Alan goes back to his mentalist ‘biggest fan’ with the Irish producers or the Farming one with the posh guy he accuses of having feeding beef burgers to swans.

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

the world cup 94 scene was funny

 

[Lady Whistledown]

when he talks about U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday" to the Irish TV producers and says something about how it sums up perfectly how we all feel on a typical Sunday morning.

Apologies for not being able to quote word for word!

 

[Sandgate Seagull]

The take the p*ss out of the lesbians and stay creased action slacks / sports casual wear in knowing me knowing you

 

[Pavilionaire]

Agree that Watership Alan with interview with farmers representative was probably the best.

I also like the scene when he reenacts the start of the Bond movie in the last series, and I like the whole Hamilton Waterbreaks video scene with the cow dropped off the bridge.

Also, the scene with Mike when Mike talks about the Bangkok ladyboy "being flipped over on its wheels" was quality, as was the end of KMKY which the bloke shot dead and the bagpipes band on stage.

 

[Albion Pearl Jammer]

So many to choose from, one of the best shows ever.

Here you are lezzers, have a lock of his stupid hair

 

[Bladders]

I'm handy, I'm handy!!!...

 

[Bold Seagull]

I love them all, but for it's sheer simplicity and complete encompassing of Alan's personality, 'Dan....Dan..Dan, Dan Dan' is just genius.

 

[easynow]

One of my faves

 

[Seasider78]

http://youtu.be/9jnXRVeFKps

 

[Seasider78]

http://youtu.be/nNDqzpgzdis

 

[castmana1]

"Lynn, I've pierced my foot on a spiiiiiike..."

 

[Seasider78]

http://youtu.be/XO8x1jmmiJA