Bell Cheeses at work

[hans kraay fan club]

I imagine she'd move on to Scampi Fries.

NAILED on.

 

[Badger]

That's a great shame.

I knew it was time for me to move on from office life when I was plonked opposite a drunk. A proper one. Reasonably lucid until about 12, by 2:30, if he ever came back to his desk, he was properly gone. Either asleep or vomiting in his waste paper bin. Sad really and thankfully he did not last long, but it was very unpleasant.

Weirdly enough, I was just having a conversation with some guys at work, and they were telling me about a software tester who used to work here and went out every lunchtime for about 6 pints. Apparently he was quite productive in the mornings and often found asleep in the afternoons.

 

[Grombleton]

The bloke I work with is a right prick.

I'm self employed.

 

[Man of Harveys]

Weirdly enough, I was just having a conversation with some guys at work, and they were telling me about a software tester who used to work here and went out every lunchtime for about 6 pints. Apparently he was quite productive in the mornings and often found asleep in the afternoons.

We had a very weird bloke in my old London office who was regularly steaming first thing in the morning. He once turned up about 20 minutes late for a massive speech being given by my then company's CEO to group of about 200 oil traders at 10am, already very well oiled. He tried loudly and clumsily to chat up the absolute dragon who gave out the name badges at the back of the room, then he sat down in the audience for about 10 minutes before loudly shouting out in the middle of the speech "I'M BORED. THIS IS BORING. LET'S GO TO THE PUB." He then wrote "would you like to go to the pub?" on a business card and placed that in front of some lady from one of the Spanish oil companies who was sitting next to him. Quite a performance.

 

[brightonrock]

I have a similarly grim rotund woman who's moved to my bank of desks that literally cannot cope with silence for one second of her day. Just chats utter nonsense about nothing in particular, to nobody in particular, from the moment she arrives until the moment she leaves. But it's the tone of her voice I can't cope with the most...a high pitched drone like an obese, boring mosquito. Everyone around is fuming but doing their best to ignore her in a very typically British manner. I give her a week before an industrial "accident" with a stapler.

 

[KZNSeagull]

Weirdly enough, I was just having a conversation with some guys at work, and they were telling me about a software tester who used to work here and went out every lunchtime for about 6 pints. Apparently he was quite productive in the mornings and often found asleep in the afternoons.

This guy was in IT as well, but more a spirits man. The first time I met him he was SOOOO drunk when he said hello, I could not work out what he was saying and assumed that he must come from rural Scotland. It was not until the next morning that I found out he came from Guildford.

 

[BN9 BHA]

These stories are exactly why I'm so glad I don't work in an office. Not the actual phones or morons by the printer but the fact that I would be thinking about such things.

Exactly this.
I don't have one clue what some people are talking about here.

 

[Igzilla]

I worked with a woman who ate incessantly too. All the bloody time, crisps, yoghurts (scraping them out to eke the last molecule), museli bars and most annoyingly drinking from one of those drinks containers, where it looks like a baby's first cup with a sucky spout. She was also stick thin and used to disappear off to the bogs a lot (presumably to puke up all the crap she'd troughed). Some people may think that's mitigating circumstances, but she compounded it all by being a complete fantasist (aka LIAR). Anything you'd done or achieved, she'd not only matched but exceeded. Fortunately, she got sacked for gross misconduct after being caught nicking from the staff shop.

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

I used to work in an office in Brentwood which was staffed by three women..and me. Imagine all of the female tics of constant natter, loud weird diet eating and associated food smells but throw in jealous hatred of each other cocaine abuse and nymphomania and you might be starting to imagine the hell of that job.

Oh, and all the menstrual madness and nasty viscous slander of anyone and everyone AND Essex accents into the bargain.

 

[John Bumlick]

cocaine abuse and nymphomania and you might be starting to imagine the hell of that job.

Congratulations to bevendean hillbilly. Very brave to come out on NSC.

 

[Simster]

When working in Southampton many years ago, I used to sit opposite a fat middle aged bespectacled frumpy old bag who used to bring loads of food in with her. And orange juice. I really wish she didn't - she'd get through GALLONS of the stuff daily, and it used to make her burp constantly. She literally burped all day, it was disgusting.

15 years ago I shared a department with an Asian gentleman who had massive hygiene issues. He once went to play squash with someone on the trading floor. When this chap realised he had forgotten his sports shirt, he played in his horrible frilly "white" (grimy) work shirt instead, then didn't bother showering after the 40 minute squash game, and finally returned to work wearing that very same shirt.

The bloke next to at work right now is also f**king smelly, and the worst kind of armchair Liverpool "fan". Apparently though, his nephew supports Liverpool and Chelsea, so he bought him a half and half Liverpool-Chelsea scarf which his nephew LOVES. That sort of all round cockery is what I have to put up with on a daily basis, as well as his revolting body odour which wafts in my direction every morning when he so much as lifts his arm of his desk.

 

[Dan Aitch]

nasty viscous slander

Sounds like a sticky situation.

 

[Grombleton]

I could not work out what he was saying and assumed that he must come from rural Scotland. It was not until the next morning that I found out he came from Guildford.

Perhaps it was Ford Prefect and you didn't have your Babelfish?

 

[foul old ron]

So glad I don't work in an office.

 

[willyfantastic]

there seems to be a running theme at the moment but im too scared to say what it is......

 

[Colossal Squid]

I'm not making this up.

A random bloke has sat opposite me today in a hot desk area. His ring tone for his mobile phone is the one which is constantly going in 24 (Der der, der derrrrrrrr) and just a minute ago he answered the phone 'Hello CTU' (add an N and re-arrange the letters mate)

Do you work in 2003?

 

[pauli cee]

The bloke I work with is a right prick.

I'm self employed.

haha, made me laugh, I have the same problem......

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

Congratulations to bevendean hillbilly. Very brave to come out on NSC.

I needed all that bugle to get me through the day. There was also a Sales Manager (nicknamed the Buffet slayer or just "buffet" because of his morbid obesity who used to waddle in with his nylon shirts soaked in sweat and Drakkar Noir and start to massage the women's shoulders whilst making inappropriate suggestions, a chain smoking alcoholic Commercial Director who used to base his assessment of you as a man on whether or not you could neck six pints of Guiness at lunch and still present the finances and a Business Manager who, it turned ot, was shagging the three dopey tarts I worked with without the knowledge of each other because he was also married. That was fun when it all came out.

My line manager got sacked for gross misconduct because he stood up in a team meeting and called the HR director a "mental ****" ( he was right though...she was) and a sales team who were either liars or retarded.

This place still managed £12m clear profit every year.

 

[Iggle Piggle]

Do you work in 2003?

When you look at some of our solutions we offer customers 2003 is about right

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

When you look at some of our solutions we offer customers 2003 is about right

We had a competition at work to come up with a new slogan. My suggestion

"Yesterday's products...tomorrows prices"

Didn't win.