[Humour] Bad (/good?) Christmas jokes

[MJsGhost]

As it's a slow Monday and Christmas is coming, soooooo...

What's your go-to joke that would put the average Christmas cracker to shame (yes, it's a low bar).

I'll start:

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?





An abdominal snowman.

HONK!



Do your best / worst!

 

[zfleas]

How do you stop a reindeer from smelling?







Hold its nose

 

[Happy Exile]

A joke that only works out loud:

How did Darth Vader know what Luke had got him for Christmas?







He felt his presents

 

[Flagship]

Why did the hedgehog cross the road ?








To see his flatmate.

 

[Diablo]

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas..........................................."It`s Christmas,,Eve"

 

[AmexRuislip]

Just bought a Travel Lodge advent calendar. Still got all the chocolates in it but you can’t open the windows.

 

[Sussexscots]

Man chats up a lass dressed as an Angel in a pub on Christmas Eve. He asks if he can take her home but she tells him she's going to a fancy dress party later.

He asks if he can go with her.

She says yes but tells him it's strict fancy dress and he has to come as something to do with Christmas.

OK, he says, give me half an hour and I'll meet you back here.

Thirty minutes later he gets back to the pub - still wearing the same clothes.

I told you it was Christmas fancy dress, says the girl at which point, the man pulls a pair of ladies knickers out of his pocket and says....


These are Carol's.

 

[el punal]

Not really a joke, but a true story. Some years back I worked as a postman. It was close to Christmas and I was just starting my round and my delivery pouch (bag to you!) was overflowing. An old dear came up to me and said :

“My goodness postie, what a full sack you have just like Santa !”

I replied “Yes, I know, but in a couple of hours it will be empty and I will be happy and relieved .”

Oh, alright. It was funny at the time.

 

[hart's shirt]

I was offered some very cheap German fruit bread at the Christmas market.

A great deal, but it was probably stollen.

 

[Baldseagull]

I got a Jehovahs Witness Advent Calendar, behind every door there is a f*** OFF!

 

[Algernon]

This year I'm that skint, I just opened the door on my advent calendar and there was a bailiff stood there.

 

[Ken Livingstone Seagull]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?


Dishes Santa Claus, open up

 

[Ken Livingstone Seagull]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Lemon
Lemon who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Lemon
Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Lemon, or try the Dishes joke again?

 

[el punal]

This one is rude, so beware!

Why is Father Christmas such a lousy lover?

Because he only comes once a year, down a chimney and it ends up in your stocking.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

I bought a Russian advent calendar this year. Every time I open a window an oligarch falls out

 

[Bodian]

This one is rude, so beware!

Why is Father Christmas such a lousy lover?

Because he only comes once a year, down a chimney and it ends up in your stocking.

He's better than a Snowman though. He's lousy because he has Snowballs.

 

[banjo]

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas? Cross-mouse cards!

 

[peterward]

 

[The Antikythera Mechanism]

Merry Christmas?

It snowed last night...



8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man…women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple were white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.



By noon it all melted Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes

 

[METALMICKY]

Why did the chicken cross the road? ..........................to visit the village idiot!

Knock Knock. Who's there?...............................a chicken!