Antique Jokes Roadshow

[NMH]

One for the kids;

Knock knock

who's there

Interrupting Cow

Inte..."MOOOOO"

 

[SurreySeagulls]

Likewise, if it has risen considerably in value this tax year and you decide to sell it on you may be liable to Capital Gains Tax.

 

[Simster]

Likewise, if it has risen considerably in value this tax year and you decide to sell it on you may be liable to Capital Gains Tax.

That doesn't apply for primary gags obviously. However if you intend trotting it out just once in a while rather than as a daily occurrence then you may get clobbered, yes.

 

[Moshe Gariani]

You should also get a good accountant to assess your inheritance tax obligations with regards to leaving this joke to your children, you don't want them to get hit with a huge tax bill one day do you?

I think I've already got this covered with a will written so that upon my death, or my wife's if she croaks before me, the first half of the joke passes into a trust fund... it would be a shame if it had to leave the family after all these years

 

[Brovion]

I think I've already got this covered with a will written so that upon my death, or my wife's if she croaks before me, the first half of the joke passes into a trust fund... it would be a shame if it had to leave the family after all these years

I don't think you can be taxed on the joke until you use it though. My dear old Dad left me several much-loved jokes. Why only the other day I trotted out the old classic:

"What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?"
"You can't wash your hands in a buffalo - but you can in a bison." (The joke revolves round the fact that 'Bison' sounds a bit like 'basin', said in an accent somewhere between Cockney and Australian).

I will now have to declare this on my J60 for the next Tax Year, but as it's of little value I may not bother.

 

[Trufflehound]

I got a letter from the Inland Revenue stuck in my foot the other day.

It was Carpet Tax.

 

[Lord Bracknell]

I got a letter from the Inland Revenue stuck in my foot the other day.

It was Carpet Tax.

The same thing happened to the nodding Churchill on the back shelf of my VW Polo.

 

[pasty]

This thread does raise some good points. My own personal fear is that, like for cars, one day I might be a victim of an 'insurance joke' scam. You know the score, someone gets sent two jokes, they collide in their inbox and both get written off as terrible. However the unscrupulous recipient cut 'n' pastes the front end of one joke and adds it to the back end of the other. The unsafe, welded-together joke is then passed off as nearly-new humour. It happened to my brother who got sent the following:

"Doctor doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains"
"I'm not surprised with beer at £10 a pint!"

Being a little unworldly he thought this was a 'proper' joke and told it at a party, much to his wife's embarrassment.

Funnily enough, that exact same thing happened in a crap joke telling sesion in the pub last weekend. Amid a flurry of "How do you confuse an Irishman?" jokes, someone came up with:

Q. How do you confuse an Irishman ?
A. Put him in a round room and tell him to take his pick

The 2 original jokes that have been amalgamated in this example are available for an original fee of 2d each.

 

[Fixtures]

Q. How do you confuse an Irishman ?
A. Put him in a round room and tell him to take his pick

When you say 'round room' are you perhaps referring to a room where a bloke has placed the drinks after getting a round in? If so, surely this would only confuse an Irishman if none of the drinks was Guinness?

 

[thedonkeycentrehalf]

My wifes just gone to the Caribbean.

Jamaica?

No, she went of her own accord!



Boom, boom

Along the same lines and topical this evening:

I'm off to Bournemouth

In Dorset?

Yeah, it's not a bad place for weekend.

 

[dougdeep]

It went down well last time it appeared on here,

 

[Bry Nylon]

I was just looking for something in tha attic and found this old relic:

My mum and dad have been married for 45 years and, I'm sure he wouldn't mind me sharing this with you, but my dad still manages sex 3 times a week at 78.









My mum, to be fair, is livid, as they actually live at number 72.


Is it worth anything?

 

[Norman Potting]

Whilst tidying up in the attic I found this one which I believe a Great Aunt of mine bought in an antique shop many years ago. Not sure how much I should insure it for as I don't believe I have ever seen another one like it.

"Facing each other across the entrance to a local park stood two statues, one of a boy and one of a girl, both in the prime of youth. For many years they had stood immobilised in stone until one morning in Spring a kindly fairy came by and thought "wouldn't it be nice if I could bring these two statues to life so that they could experience human feelings and emotions.

So without further ado and with a wave of her wand she gave them life. They were stunned at first but then their eyes met. Both knew at once what they wanted to do so they got down off their plinths and, hand in hand, skipped gaily into the bushes.

For over an hour sounds of pleasure and delight could be heard emanating from the undergrowth. Then the two emerged, once again hand in hand and with a dreamy look of fulfillment in their eyes. The boy looked at the girl - "that was fabulous" he said, "yes" the girl agreed, "I have always wanted to do that, shall we go and do it again?". "Yes" said the boy, only this time you can hold the pigeon down whilst I crap on it's head!"

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years

Christ

 

[pasty]

Whilst tidying up in the attic I found this one which I believe a Great Aunt of mine bought in an antique shop many years ago. Not sure how much I should insure it for as I don't believe I have ever seen another one like it.

"Facing each other across the entrance to a local park stood two statues, one of a boy and one of a girl, both in the prime of youth. For many years they had stood immobilised in stone until one morning in Spring a kindly fairy came by and thought "wouldn't it be nice if I could bring these two statues to life so that they could experience human feelings and emotions.

So without further ado and with a wave of her wand she gave them life. They were stunned at first but then their eyes met. Both knew at once what they wanted to do so they got down off their plinths and, hand in hand, skipped gaily into the bushes.

For over an hour sounds of pleasure and delight could be heard emanating from the undergrowth. Then the two emerged, once again hand in hand and with a dreamy look of fulfillment in their eyes. The boy looked at the girl - "that was fabulous" he said, "yes" the girl agreed, "I have always wanted to do that, shall we go and do it again?". "Yes" said the boy, only this time you can hold the pigeon down whilst I crap on it's head!"

JOKE THIEF !!! That classic has been in my family for years. Years I tell yer.

 

[Lokki 7]

I found this one washed up on the beach whilst on holiday in Jamaica. I didn’t declare it when I brought it back through customs so am a bit worried there may still be duty owing on it.

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
With jam in.
How do the Wailers like their doughnuts?
Me don’t know. But I hope they like jammin’ too.

 

[Icy Gull]

I found this one washed up on the beach whilst on holiday in Jamaica. I didn’t declare it when I brought it back through customs so am a bit worried there may still be duty owing on it.

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
With jam in.
How do the Wailers like their doughnuts?
Me don’t know. But I hope they like jammin’ too.

I think that may be a reproduction as Sompting Seagull definitely used to own that joke. The fact that you found it on the beach could of course mean that Sompting lost it, we'll never know though as he stopped posting on here years ago.

 

[Seagullible]

i wonder what the equivalent of the skoda/lada jokes would be for todays yoof?

 

[Kenneth Wattle]

Along the same lines and topical this evening:

I'm off to Bournemouth

In Dorset?

Yeah, it's not a bad place for weekend.

My wife went to the South of France.

Nice?

No it was shit.

 

[Norman Potting]

My wife went on holiday to the capital of Indonesia last week.

Jakarta?

You must be joking, she weighs 25stone!