[Misc] Advice: When a friend's wife dies

[Nottseagull]

And not ''on your loss'' without making it more personal.

Thanks LS - that is great advice - and I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

 

[jackanada]

Drop round a stew/lasagne/potroast/something you're good at.
Make a firm offer to take them with you on a day (s) out. As in we're going to do X on Y we'd love you to come with us.

 

[Nottseagull]

[MENTION=30839]8049[/MENTION]

In this moment of tragedy, it’s inappropriate to question his idea, or start bitching.

Sorry no, what you're actually saying is that it's inappropriate to question your advice; the OP and myself seem to be in agreement about the proposal. In any case, it's not the OP who's been bereaved, therefore no need for eggshell posts.

 

[Weststander]

Sorry no, what you're actually saying is that it's inappropriate to question your advice; the OP and myself seem to be in agreement about the proposal. In any case, it's not the OP who's been bereaved, therefore no need for the egg shell post.

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Derailing a sensitive thread, weird behaviour from you.

 

[andybaha]

My wife died in 2012. Initially I had lots of support and people around me to help me and my three teenagers. However once the funeral was over the vast majority of people get on with their life again. I would say the best way you can be a good mate is to be one of those people that doesn't go missing after the funeral. My best mate phoned me frequently and used to pop round for a cup of tea or take me to the pub for a beer for a long time after my wife passed away. The guy I worked for also took time each day to ask me how I was and made allowances when I was having a tough day. Don't be blokey and be afraid to talk about feelings.

Incidentally, I'm getting married again in June.

 

[Petunia]

This is a great charity that helped a friend and his youngsters. Your friend may not be ready for it yet, but keep it in mind for him.

https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/

Other than that, just be there for him. Man hugs are good too. Let him have a good sob on your shoulder if he needs one.

 

[Petunia]

I agree. Look out for your son too, as he will see his friend mourning the loss of his Mum, and it may unsettle him.

This is excellent advice. Children deal with death in different ways. Your son could well be well be the one his friend unloads to which could be hard on your son. Please make sure your son comes to you if he is worried about his friend. He may try to hide his grief from his dad and he may have a change in his behaviour as he comes to terms with his pain.

 

[Thunder Bolt]

My wife died in 2012. Initially I had lots of support and people around me to help me and my three teenagers. However once the funeral was over the vast majority of people get on with their life again. I would say the best way you can be a good mate is to be one of those people that doesn't go missing after the funeral. My best mate phoned me frequently and used to pop round for a cup of tea or take me to the pub for a beer for a long time after my wife passed away. The guy I worked for also took time each day to ask me how I was and made allowances when I was having a tough day. Don't be blokey and be afraid to talk about feelings.

Incidentally, I'm getting married again in June.

Very good advice. Many people think once the funeral is out of the, they've done their bit.

Congratulations.

 

[half time scores]

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

 

[8049]

You think it's appropriate to send a present to a bereaved family? If you were in their situation, what would you think if an acquaintance unexpectedly presented you with such a gift?

I've been to see him a couple of times now and the advice from this thread has really helped. The key was not to be frightened of what to say (or bring) - I was there for a couple of hours along with lots of his family and friends. We talked and there were tears and sadness but also normal chat and even jokes. When he wants to talk I listen and when he's getting tired I bugger off.

NottsSeagull - I did wonder if it was appropriate but I think almost anything is welcome because the actual gift it almost irrelevant, it's being there and the other person knowing that you're there for them and thinking about them.

It's going to be a long journey but the whole community is rallying around and we'll do our best to help him and his kids through it.

Thanks again for the advice.

 

[8049]

View attachment 107695

Dude, I don't know LS so I can't really say anything more specific.

 

[Weststander]

Dude, I don't know LS so I can't really say anything more specific.

Sorry from NSC about that.

Wishing you all the best, you’re obviously a kind person.

 

[8049]

Sorry from NSC about that.

Wishing you all the best, you’re obviously a kind person.

Cheers Weststander, been around NSC long enough to know there'll always be someone who'll criticise. And to be fair, I probably should have checked what I'd written before I posted

 

[Tim Over Whelmed]

I can only reiterate what I've said before on this subject, we're blokes and we're big, tough and can handle anything ... or so we think. Please talk to people around you who can help the family with bereavement counselling, some on here may say this is too early, it's not. Your Son, his friend and the poor husband will all be experiencing grief in different ways, of course, talking ALWAYS helps. Wishing you, your family and your friends family all the very best.

 

[maltaseagull]

Be there in person.
So many people offer words of support and wait to be asked for fear of intruding.

 

[Klaas]

NottsSeagull - I did wonder if it was appropriate but I think almost anything is welcome because the actual gift it almost irrelevant, it's being there and the other person knowing that you're there for them and thinking about them.

Exactly this. Before my brother died saying things like Sorry to hear about etc. to other people who had lost someone seemed trite and pointless, but getting messages of support however small were very much appreciated. I certainly didn't/don't want to avoid talking about my brother either.
Sounds like you're being a fine friend.

 

[piersa]

Don’t be afraid to make your self available, it’s natural to want to hang back but more often a person who suffers a loss like this actually wants to talk.

this. stay in touch with him regularly. Offer to do trivial things,such as when you are going to the shop, ask if he wants anything etc.

 

[Eric Youngs Contact Lense]

As others have said, don't worry too much about getting it wrong, you can only have good intentions so be proactive. I lost my Mum when I was quite young and bizarrely the 1st few weeks were "OK" - others to worry about, lots of visits, things to organise.. but 6 weeks on, it hit me and that was when I needed people to still be interested - when I was ready to talk and do my leaning - but everyone else's life had to move on and I guess people had assumed I was OK too, because I had been. So, do what you feel you can now, but have an eye on the future when reality has kicked in.

 

[Braggfan]

Obviously there's nothing you or anyone can say that will make things better, but keeping in touch regularly, asking how they're feeling/doing and listening to them will help. Sometimes just offering to hangout, even if he doesn't want to talk might help.

 

[Triggaaar]

Me too.

A small thing but if you and others write cards or messages for him:

DON'T write ''thinking of you at this difficult time'' - awful platitude, I detest it - NOT ''at this difficult time''. NO.

And not ''on your loss'' without making it more personal.

Write her name.

Write what you remember about her, or if you didn't know her well, still use her name in the card or message and talk about how special you know she was to him and the children and how she will be missed...

Good advice, I like it.