[Help] Advice: Bereavement of an estranged relative

[lost in london]

If you think you can go and not steal the limelight, then do your bit for your brother and your mother's memory and go. If you think you being there will cause aggro / pain for others, then steer clear.

 

[HantsSeagull]

My brother didn't speak to my dad for many years before he died 10 years ago - long story wont bore you with - but my dad not at fault at all. Cause of great pain to my dad.

My brother and his then wife (cause of said problems) came to the funeral. His choice. I thought it was ballsy. We get on and he is now reunited with rest of the family but out of respect to my dad I did not reference my brother in my eulogy at all.

 

[Hampden Park]

sneak in when the thing starts, say goodbye for closure, swan off.

 

[Triggaaar]

If I were a relative and you did turn up for the funeral I’d be bloody furious.

You made your decision 16 years ago. Stick with it now.

You only had one Mum so do the decent thing and go to the funeral otherwise at some point you will bitterly regret you did not go.

There we go then


Perhaps ask you sibling(s) if they would like you to go or not, and do what they want.

 

[DavidinSouthampton]

Yeah, I was going to suggest that. There's no point in pretending that it's all 'happy families' when it isn't. So just go to the service, sit at the back (but make sure at least somebody clocks your presence), and then leave immediately afterwards without talking to anybody. Obviously don't go to the wake. That way if at some stage in the future you (or members of your family) want to build bridges they won't be able to say "And you didn't even go to Mum's funeral!" Who knows? Your mere presence may start that process.

Obviously I don't know you and given your circumstances this might be irrelevant or crap advice, but there you go!


Personally I've never been in quite that situation. My Dad and his brother (my uncle) had a massive falling out and my uncle never went to my Dad's funeral. Then when my uncle died none of us (me, my brother and sister) went to his funeral, but as we'd only seen him about twice in thirty-odd years we didn't really have any type of relationship so there was no real sense of loss. Our absence wasn't missed or remarked upon apparently and we haven't seen any of his family since, although my sister does exchange the occasional Christmas card.

My brother and I were in that sort of situation a few years ago and went to a funeral of an uncle, intending to scoot off straight afterwards. Two people afterwards came up to us and were genuinely warm and friendly, asking us back for the wake. One of them was our cousin, the Uncle's daughter.

Different people have different takes on different situations.

 

[Brovion]

My brother and I were in that sort of situation a few years ago and went to a funeral of an uncle, intending to scoot off straight afterwards. Two people afterwards came up to us and were genuinely warm and friendly, asking us back for the wake. One of them was our cousin, the Uncle's daughter.

Different people have different takes on different situations.

Oh indeed. It's a bit hard for anyone, let alone a group of strangers on a messageboard, to give the 'right' advice as we don't know the people involved or how they'll all react. Maybe there will be a chance for a conciliatory word or more.

 

[albiongirl]

I'm not in your situation but I have not seen my dad for 29yrs and I know if I got the phone call I wouldn't go to the funeral. Just reading the thread makes you realise that my situation is not unique. I think in your heart you know what the right decision is for you wishing you well in making that decision.

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[Durlston]

Best wishes to you, father and son.

I just hope that you don't have any regrets. Personally, I couldn't imagine my life without my mother - I'm a real mummy's boy I guess. Stay close to your brother and respect to you whatever you decide mate.

 

[papajaff]

I didn't have a relationship with my father for the last 20 years of his life. As I got older I realised what a nasty piece of work he was. I won't go in to it.

When he died, I didn't bat an eyelid, took my allotted compassionate leave and did not go to his funeral.

Have never regretted a thing around this. My Mum was everything to me and she shaped me, not my father.

Please F&S, don't have any regrets.

 

[Nitram]

Could be closure for you but only you can answer that. What’s your relationship with the rest of the family, if it’s awkward for them and you I would leave it as you don’t seem worried about your mother. On the other hand if you have a good relationship with the rest of your family they might appreciate the support in you being there for them.

 

[Recidivist]

Sad to say that many (most?) people seem to regard a funeral as a social event to be seen at even if they haven’t seen the deceased person for years or weren’t even close to them in any way.

Partly depends on whether you have strong views on religion I guess too?

My father died recently following my mother’s death six months previously. My sister basically refused to talk to my brother at the funeral though he tells me he doesn’t really understand why.

Only real reason (I think) can be that he caused my parents’ real heartache by marrying someone they totally disapproved of and threw up a promising career to look after her.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of that situation I would say that my parents were at least as much to blame as he was. None of us are perfect and the old cliche is that “to know all is to forgive all”!

We all have different reactions to events and people of all ilks, and all families can look odd from the outside and inside!

Suppose what I’m really saying is that you have to judge for yourself what works for you.

Personally, I wouldn’t give a stuff what anyone thinks or says about my attendance or non-attendance. Do what’s right for you.

Just remember that this will be the last opportunity to have any sort of relationship with your mum. If you have any good memories of her maybe go.

What do you think your mum would have wanted?


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[Hendrax]

I'm gobsmacked this is even a thing. I guess partly due the the fiercely strong relationship I have with my mother. Cant imagine the day.

I think, if you decide not to go, you may well regret it. She is your mother.

 

[Bold Seagull]

Fair comment. And to be honest I'm only considering the possibility of going to be there for my brother rather than from any sense of pretending the rift hadn't happened.

And that really is what funerals are all about really, a coming together of the living, it's not as such for the dead. If you feel it will benefit your brother, then reason enough to go in my book.

 

[Justice]

I'm gobsmacked this is even a thing. I guess partly due the the fiercely strong relationship I have with my mother. Cant imagine the day.

I think, if you decide not to go, you may well regret it. She is your mother.

You simply can’t generalise it like that imo.

 

[Weststander]

I had a dilemma (slightly different) when my ex wife died. My kids, with her are only in their early 20s and it was a massive unexpected shock to them

Our parting hadn't been painless and I hadn't spoken to her since the day I left, 10 years earlier. I was torn between attending, to support my kids or stay away so as not to cause upset.

I took my kids to one side and explained my thinking, both were happy for me not to attend, as they had other family support their, and understood my reasons!

I guess at the end of the day, it is down to you and how you feel. Just don't be pressured into going...!

“Just don't be pressured into going...!”

I couldn’t agree more.

 

[herecomesaregular]

It is also hard not to view his dilemma in the context of the relationship we have/had with our own parents. So because his situation is with his mother I think about the relationship I had with my mother which might lead me to advise a more magnanimous attitude, but of course not all mothers are the same. If on the other hand his dilemma concerned his father I might have no hesitation in advising a total boycott of the funeral but that would only be because I would be considering it in the context of my feelings for my own father, but that would also be wrong because not all fathers are the same.

Really like this. Something for all of us to be mindful of. Thank you.

 

[Hendrax]

You simply can’t generalise it like that imo.

I didn't. That's why I said my feelings stemmed from my own relationship, and that I couldn't imagine the feelings involved.

I thought that was pretty clear.

 

[Tokyohands]

Funerals are strange events. I don't think anyone should feel obliged or be 'made' to attend a funeral, regardless of whether there has been any falling out or not.

 

[Triggaaar]

I didn't have a relationship with my father for the last 20 years of his life. As I got older I realised what a nasty piece of work he was. I won't go in to it.

Quite a number of people are estranged from relatives, when neither of them are nasty pieces of work - just circumstances and personalities can cause people to part. It sounds like it was quite a straightforward decision for you, and you don't regret it because you know it was the right decision, but it's not that straight forward for everyone.

 

[Spanish Seagulls]

Fair comment. And to be honest I'm only considering the possibility of going to be there for my brother rather than from any sense of pretending the rift hadn't happened.

That's a good reason to go.