[Help] Advice: Bereavement of an estranged relative

[Ludensian Gull]

Ok. A little bit of background. I haven't spoken to my mum in about 16 years.
Had a number of 'issues' with her than all blew up when my son was born and we stopped talking and never started again. Have always been quite happy with this state of affairs and not looking for a reunion or reconciliation or anything.

Had a phone call from my younger brother this evening to say she died today. He called from her house while he was waiting for the coroner people to arrive.


Feeling a little numb but not upset and don't think I will be.

Anyone else dealt with the watered down version of grief that comes with the death of an estranged relative/friend?

How damaging to other family relationships would it be to not go to the funeral?

Had the same situation with my mum, we hadn't spoken for years .Found out she'd died from my daughter, and to be honest I felt no emotion . Was far happier when she wasn't in my life so decided not to go to the funeral, don't think anyone expected me to . Difficult to advise someone else on such a sensitive matter , but I'm comfortable doing what I did . Wishing you all the best.

 

[DavidinSouthampton]

Funny things, families.

If it were me, I would probably go. If your younger brother was going to be totally dismissive of your possible attendance, he may not have told you in the first place.
If you go and people blank you or are actually hostile, you can leave and know you're better off out of it.
On the other hand, you may find that people are happy to see you, may even recognise you have been "wronged" and welcome you back with open arms.
But whatever you do, good luck with it.

 

[Coldeanseagull]

I don't think it's that big a deal to not go. It may sound harsh to a lot of people, but until you're in that position of a family fallout, you can't take sides. Talk it over with those that remain if you need to, but don't be pressured to 'do what's right'

 

[GT49er]

Ok. A little bit of background. I haven't spoken to my mum in about 16 years.
Had a number of 'issues' with her than all blew up when my son was born and we stopped talking and never started again. Have always been quite happy with this state of affairs and not looking for a reunion or reconciliation or anything.

Had a phone call from my younger brother this evening to say she died today. He called from her house while he was waiting for the coroner people to arrive.


Feeling a little numb but not upset and don't think I will be.

Anyone else dealt with the watered down version of grief that comes with the death of an estranged relative/friend?

How damaging to other family relationships would it be to not go to the funeral?

Ask your younger brother what he would want you to do - ask (or ask him to ask) other family members what they feel would be best. If they don't want you there, don't go, otherwise do.
How damaged are the other family relationships anyway?

 

[marlowe]

I expect to be facing the same situation at some point in the relatively near future.

I've been estranged from my father for nearly 38 years. He's 81 now and I have absolutely no intention of reconciling with him or attending his funeral. Not so much for the things he did to me as I was growing up but for the way he treated my mother, which I will never forgive him for. The things he did to me I can deal with, and if it was only that to consider maybe I would consider going, but when I think of the torment and psychological abuse he inflicted on my mother I just want him to rot in hell.

My mother died over ten years ago and she would have had the generosity of spirit not to resent my attendance at his funeral, but I would see it as a betrayal to her memory. I will inevitably hear when he does eventually die as I am in contact with his brother's son. I do wonder how I will react though because it will be strange because you would think it would be a natural response to be upset by the loss of a parent, but in his case I wont be upset at the actual loss because he's already been absent from my life for 38 years. But I do wonder if his death might trigger unpleasant memories which I might find upsetting.

None of us know what the OP went through with his mother or the real issues involved. Without knowing we can't say what we think he should do. It is also hard not to view his dilemma in the context of the relationship we have/had with our own parents. So because his situation is with his mother I think about the relationship I had with my mother which might lead me to advise a more magnanimous attitude, but of course not all mothers are the same. If on the other hand his dilemma concerned his father I might have no hesitation in advising a total boycott of the funeral but that would only be because I would be considering it in the context of my feelings for my own father, but that would also be wrong because not all fathers are the same.

If a parent has left a particular emotional scar it can be very difficult to overcome. Only the OP knows what those scars are and how he feels most comfortable dealing with them.

 

[drew]

You only had one Mum so do the decent thing and go to the funeral otherwise at some point you will bitterly regret you did not go.

Tend to agree with this. The famed word 'closure' springs to mind.

 

[drew]

Ask your younger brother what he would want you to do - ask (or ask him to ask) other family members what they feel would be best. If they don't want you there, don't go, otherwise do.
How damaged are the other family relationships anyway?

Agree. Sometimes you go to a funeral to be there to support the relations that you do get on with, in this case, your younger brother.

 

[Juan Albion]

This is a no-win situation as far as the rest of the family go. Some will resent you if you show up, others will resent you if you don't. I'd would strongly suggest doing exactly what YOU decide you want to do and not factor others into it.

 

[dazzer6666]

Horrible situation to be in, feel for you.

FWIW, if it was my brother and he wanted the support and actively wanted me to go I’d go for that reason alone, regardless of how things had been with the departed. No need to stay for the wake and any awkward situations that might arise from that (again, unless you want to support your brother).

Good luck whatever you decide to do - and just remember it’s your decision so don’t get too stressed about what other people might think either way.

 

[DJ NOBO]

Go to the funeral

 

[Normal Rob]

I've always seen funerals as serving 2 purposes - saying goodbye/paying respects to the departed, and showing support for those left behind. Clearly the former is a non-starter, but the second - would they benefit from your being there? If not, dont go.

 

[Thunder Bolt]

By asking Nsc, you're unsure of your own feelings, and probably need closure to that part of your life. If I were you, I would go to the ceremony to get that closure, but leave straight after.
I do empathise with you, because I am not close to my mother, who walked out when I was 8, leaving me in my Dad's custody. As he was in the forces, I was brought up by a relative, but not in a loving way. We speak, but there is no real relationship there.

Only you can decide, but don't worry about what the rest of your relatives think.

 

[Weststander]

Thanks for this. I think this is the way to view things and is what I will take onboard, with one caveat... If my brother wants me to do something different I will. He'll be honest, understanding and it won't constitute pressure if he wants me to do something different.

I thought of your predicament overnight, remembering that a near identical situation arose for my cousin.

When she was about 20 and getting married, her mum (my aunt) said some incredibly nasty stuff. You wouldn’t believe.

My cousin then blanked her for the next few decades until my aunt’s death. My cousin didn’t go to the funeral. She had no regrets, she’s a genuinely nice person, still in that marriage and a strong character.

All the best with your own decision. Lovely that you’re also helping your brother.

 

[Brovion]

Could you not go to the ceremony but turn up as it starts and leave straight.

Regardless of circumstances I couldn’t imagine missing a parents funeral.

Had similar situation in family this year where one is the ‘children’ hadn’t seen a parent properly since a divorce 30 years prior. Relationship was non existent but child still did the above.

Yeah, I was going to suggest that. There's no point in pretending that it's all 'happy families' when it isn't. So just go to the service, sit at the back (but make sure at least somebody clocks your presence), and then leave immediately afterwards without talking to anybody. Obviously don't go to the wake. That way if at some stage in the future you (or members of your family) want to build bridges they won't be able to say "And you didn't even go to Mum's funeral!" Who knows? Your mere presence may start that process.

Obviously I don't know you and given your circumstances this might be irrelevant or crap advice, but there you go!


Personally I've never been in quite that situation. My Dad and his brother (my uncle) had a massive falling out and my uncle never went to my Dad's funeral. Then when my uncle died none of us (me, my brother and sister) went to his funeral, but as we'd only seen him about twice in thirty-odd years we didn't really have any type of relationship so there was no real sense of loss. Our absence wasn't missed or remarked upon apparently and we haven't seen any of his family since, although my sister does exchange the occasional Christmas card.

 

[Commander]

If I were a relative and you did turn up for the funeral I’d be bloody furious.

You made your decision 16 years ago. Stick with it now.

That is obviously just my personal opinion. Others may see it differently.

This is the correct answer.

When my father-in-law was terminally ill, so many people didn't come to see him, waited until he died, and then turned up for the funeral. It annoyed me. This is a different situation, but why would you go to the funeral of someone you haven't seen for 16 years? it doesn't make any sense.

 

[darkwolf666]

I had a dilemma (slightly different) when my ex wife died. My kids, with her are only in their early 20s and it was a massive unexpected shock to them

Our parting hadn't been painless and I hadn't spoken to her since the day I left, 10 years earlier. I was torn between attending, to support my kids or stay away so as not to cause upset.

I took my kids to one side and explained my thinking, both were happy for me not to attend, as they had other family support their, and understood my reasons!

I guess at the end of the day, it is down to you and how you feel. Just don't be pressured into going...!

 

[wellquickwoody]

Ninety-nine per cent of mothers do genuinely love their children, even if they make the wrong choices. Only you will know if that may have been applicable here.

Personally I would go. Firstly your brother might appreciate you being there, secondly it would avoid any regrets you might have later if you were not to go. Of course it is entirely possible that others might raise an eyebrow at your attendance, ignore them, it was your mother not theirs.

Good wishes to you whatever you decide.

 

[Dave the OAP]

Although looking for advice, I don’t really think there is anyone who can advise you on this. It is a highly intense personal decision.

The only thing I would say and it is not advice, more an observation, is how would you feel if you didn’t go to the funeral?

It may be that you meet up with people you have never met, have only met a few times or have met many times. Weddings and funerals do in some cases bringing families together ( and of course driving them further apart)

All I say is you are a long time dead and this life is too short to carry regrets.

 

[doogie004]

I wish you well in whatever you decide


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[Wellesley]

All depends on the severity of the reason you stopped talking. Only you can decide I'm afraid. Best of luck.